Moving On
by dazey186
Summary: College Freshman Bella faces loss and tragedy, her sorority sister and friends want to help her move on and get her to trust again when a new Fraternity brother comes into the picture can he help her move on.A/H ON Hold sorry but I will continue soon.
1. How do I move on?

**AN: Hi guys this is my first FanFic so I would love the feed back. I will be trying to post as often as possible thanks. **

**Summary:**_Bella a college freshman has faced tragedy during a time that most 19 year old girls should be enjoying life. She is trying to put her life back together for the sake of her friends and family. When all she really wants to do is go home and cling to her memories. She goes through the motions each day but is afraid to let anyone get to close for fear of being hurt. Can a new guy help her to open up again? AH and some characters OOC_

**Disclaimer: **I own noting that you recognize as twilight related those wonderful characters belong to only but I thank her for characters giving me an outlet for this story.

Chapter 1: Am I ready to move on?

"Get up and get ready you're going to the mixer tonight!" I lifted my arm away from my eyes and turned my head to the door to see Alice standing with her hands on her hips clearly stating she wanted no arguments from me. It was the middle of March and I was laying in my dorm after a long day of classes. I was exhausted, I had been trying to catch up on a lot of work that I had missed for a week in February, attend meetings with my advisor, and still be a good sister to my sorority. I really had been trying but my heart just wasn't in it and I knew that despite my best efforts everyone could see I wasn't really there.

"Agh, Alice I really don't want to go tonight I'll just bring everyone down." She looked at me with sympathy. Alice and I had met first semester when we moved into the dorms. I somehow had the freshman bad luck and got stuck with the roommate from hell, Lauren. Thankfully she wasn't around much her hometown was only thirty minutes from campus so college to her was still like high school and she was always out with her friends. So it was inevitable I would make friends with my hall mates. Alice Brandon was perpetually happy and optimistic, fairly girly but didn't mind getting dirty when need be. Those times consisted of riding horses or some of our crazy sisterhood events. Then there was Angela and Jessica, They live across the hall and to see them you would not think they would get along at all. Angela Webber was a shy girl with some self esteem issues. I could relate there, don't get me wrong I'm a confident person but not when it comes to relationships. Then there was Jessica a fairly pretty girl with a good heart even though she could be a bit self centered at times.

I knew even before I started Meyer University I wanted to join a sorority and which sorority I wanted to join. I'm not the most coordinated person in the world ballet and jazz lessons as a child where quite interesting, but I was a bit of a tomboy and found I was a fairly decent athlete. One of my teammates was accepted to Meyer University and we had kept in touch in the two years she was here. She told me how much she loved her sisters and how the sorority was nothing like she thought it would be and I just had to join when I got here. My mind was made up if Cassie loved it I knew I would too. Even after I found out she had transferred the semester before I started I still thought I should rush. Alice was the only one of the four of our little dorm group that wanted the "greek" experience. We both rushed and were given bids from Sigma Phi Sigma.

"Please Bells." She pouted. "I know it's been hard but you haven't been to a mixer since you've been back. The only reason I'm pushing so hard tonight is because it's with the pi kapps." I could see the smile tugging at her lips. Yes, she was right if there was any house I would be comfortable going to right now it would be our boys. The Pi Kappa fraternity was like our brother fraternity. We were closest to them. I sighed I should go, we are a social sorority after all and I have done nothing but go to sisterhood and social service events since before Christmas break. We only mix one night a week so it has been easy for me to get out of going.

"Alright Ali…. I'll go what is the theme tonight anyway?" I knew this would make her happy and she immediately started bouncing in place. She had tuned down the squealing because she knew I was in no mood.

"It's just a simple theme tonight, you know with the pi kapps we don't need to do too much." She paused then seemed to realize she still hadn't told me the theme. "Oh it's dress as your favorite celebrity."

I glanced at my clock and groaned we only had an hour before we had to be at the café for the DD to pick us up. A mixer was held once a week between two organizations. They are meant to promote interorganization relations so there is usually a theme so that when you are mixing with a group you don't know that well it breaks the ice. In actuality our campus was small enough that every group knew every group so mixers were something more like weekly private themed parties. My favorites so far had been Beach bash, where everyone dressed up like we belonged on that old movie beach blanket bingo, Gangsta, that night there were more baggy pants, boxers, and beaters seen that ever need be, we all looked like gang banger wanna be, and finally the tide mixer. Everyone wore black and the Theta house basement was turned into a giant dance floor with only black lights and tubs of tide. I didn't know it until that night but tide glows under a black light so we could write all over each others clothes and it would show but no one's clothes were ruined. Somehow I think that Alice may have come up with that because I just can't see her allowing her clothes to be written on any other way. Each week a sister would volunteer to be DD so no sister would be drinking and driving to whatever frat house we were mixing at and campus pickups were always first.

I was looking through my closet trying to figure out what I had that could work for a celebrity outfit. I saw Alice out of the corner of my eye and knew I needed to find something soon or she would insist on putting together a full blown costume.

"You know Ali, why don't you go get ready I think I know what I'm going to wear." Her eyes lit up and I could tell I had made her night by confirming I was willing to rejoin the land of the living, no matter how reluctant I was to do so. She glided out of my room with a smile on her face and a bounce in her step. I again turned my attention back to my closet and sighed. I really wasn't in the mood for this. I found a cute white and blue striped tank top that looked kind of nautical with a pair of light low ride cargo pants that had a draw string. It showed a lot of my mid drift but it was more comfortable than I would have thought. I finished getting dressed and curled my blond hair and swept my bangs to the side. As I was looking in the mirror I thought about how I really never should have died my hair. It was shoulder length and naturally dark chocolate brown just like my eyes. Last semester I decided to put blond highlights into my hair and attempted to do it myself, messed up and ended up with just blond hair. Everyone loved it so I kept it that way but after everything that has happened I realized it just isn't me.

Just as I picked up my keys and ID, Alice stepped into my room. "Okay, I'm….." she stopped mid sentence and I turned to look at her confused. "I thought you said you would go tonight how come you're not dressed?" Huh okay now I'm really confused I looked down at myself wondering what she was talking about.

"Oh, Alice I am dressed I am just not in the mood to do the who all out costume thing tonight." I told her trying to appease her.

"Well who are you supposed to be then?" AHH, I should have known she was going to make this difficult.

"I'm Britney Spears okay? You remember when one of her first videos when she was dancing on a pier or something like that in all white?" I really have no idea what the song was or anything else but the blond hair and outfit worked in my head. I stood watching her hoping that she would just let it drop. I saw her pout start to change to satisfaction and realized I'd won this small battle.

"OH! Yeah the sometimes video okay I guess that will do."

As she turned to walk out the door I glanced over her outfit. Her short dark hair was done up in cute little pin curls and she was wearing a light flowy white dress. "Um Alice what celebrity are you supposed to be?" She stopped dead in her tracks and turned to me wide eyed.

"Bella" She scolded. "okay I know she isn't really a celebrity more like a famous character but I thought you of all people would know." She paused while I looked her over again with the famous character thought in mind but still nothing was coming into my head. She huffed and continued. "I'm Daisy Buchannan, you know _The Great Gatsby ."_ Oh, I guess I can see how she would think that I would get that right away being a lit major and all.

"Well you look great and you definitely grasp the era." I smiled.

She smiled in return with no further debate, grabbed my hand and pulled me down the stairs. I was thankful that we didn't have a long discussion over my outfit or her outfit for that matter but it was just wrong. Alice would never have let things slide so easily last semester and I know that. I was different now and it was making my friends change too. I wasn't being fair to them and I knew I had to move on the question now was how do I do that exactly?


	2. Introductions

Chapter 2: Introductions

Alice and I sat outside the café with a few of our other sisters waiting for the first DD pick up. Alice was chatting with Holly about some assignment they were given for their communications class and I was taking the time to gather my thoughts.

Meyer University is in a small town about an hour outside Seattle. Sometimes I think if it wasn't for the university there wouldn't be a town here at all. I didn't want to go to a big college with a big campus where you became just another number to your professors. I grew up in a small town where with my parents, Charlie and Renee. In Forks everyone knew everyone and while it could get tiresome I liked the fact it was also quiet. I wanted to go somewhere new for college but somewhere that was comfortable and Meyer was perfect I got to meet people I hadn't known all my life but it was still close enough to home that I could go back and visit when I missed my family and old friends.

I didn't keep many close friend from home, there were people I spoke to when I saw them then there was my closest friend I had known since elementary school. Lynn and Danielle they were like family to me. Ryan who somehow managed to put up with the three of us and not lose his mind when we had our rare bouts of overly girly behavior. Then there were two of the most important men in my life.

I put my hands over my face and tried to fight back the tears that were always there lately. It was amazing how differently they effected my life and yet the end result was the same. Jacob, my best friend. He lived on the reservation and his father and my father had been close friends. Jacob was tall good looking with his dark hair and dark skin and a smile that made you want to smile.

From first grade Jacob and I had been inseparable although most of the time that was because he was fallowing me around picking on me. As we got older we found a different kind of friendship. Things were never romantic between Jacob and I although many people assumed it was. It was not uncommon for him to hold my hand when we walked along First Beach, of for him to kiss me goodbye when we would leave each other. That's just how we were and it was perfect.

When I left Forks to come to Meyer University Jacob enrolled at a community college close to town so that he could be near his father Billy. He would drive the hour and a half some weekends to visit me. We'd spend time on campus and in the university union playing pool. Well more like he would play pool and I would attempt to play. He was even here the night I was initiated into the sorority and all my sisters loved him. Jacob was my rock.

Then there was James. James was my high school boyfriend. He was quite good looking with dirty blond hair and blue eyes. I met James at the end of my junior year he was a few years older than me and had just moved back to town to live with his grandparents. I remember when we first started dating one of the girls in my class asked me how I was so lucky to find a guy as good looking and as sweet as James. I smiled and blushed because at the time I had no idea why he wanted to be with me.

For months things were wonderful between us my parents loved James. He would pick me up from school or volleyball practice every day. He would take me to dinner every weekend and after only a month he told me he was in love with me. James was my first serious boyfriend and was the first person to say he loved me after that night he became the first person to make love to me. I was truly happy. That was until he became possessive and controlling, and then one day he hit me.

We had only been together for five months but I was naïve and I was afraid to leave him. So another two months passed before I could convince myself that no matter how much I thought I loved him I had to leave him.

I've been away from James and the abuse for over a year and I had thought I was healing mentally. I'm a pretty strong person and can deal with unpleasant things fairly easily but for the past 3 months I've begun to wonder if I'm being tested to see exactly how much I can handle.

I sighed and looked down at the bracelet I always wore. Jacob had given me a small silver link bracelet with a carved wooden wolf charm attached to it for a graduation gift. It was the last gift he had ever given me. Since then I have attached another trinket to the bracelet, a small ring that James had given me when we started dating. I never take off this bracelet because it's a reminder they are both somewhere watching over me.

"Bells, we're here." I glanced up and saw Alice looking at me with concern "Are you alright? You have been spaced out the whole way."

I smiled a weak smile in return and told her I was fine. Holly and Mary were looking at me carefully and I internally cringed. _This has to stop Bella!_ I thought. I resigned myself that I was going to have fun tonight and find a way to get through this.

"Come on girls let's go" I smiled brightly and jumped out of the car. _I was going to enjoy myself tonight_, or at least that's what I keep telling myself.

We wandered into the Pi kapp house through the living room and down to the basement. The layout of the house was one of the best for parties. Directly at the bottom of the stairs was the bar room. On one wall was the sliding glass door that led out to the downstairs patio there was a deck above off the living room so when weekend parties got too crowded you had a choice of places to avoid the masses. Against the back wall were the old worn leather couches facing the beer pong table. _Somehow I'll get roped into playing tonight I just know it. _On the opposite basement wall was the bar the guys had built.

Alice and I made our way over to the bar were we saw my big sister Rosalie Hale. She looked beautiful as always. Her long blond hair was curled up to make it look much shorter than normal and she was wearing a white dress. There was no mistaking her celebrity, Marylin Monroe.

"Hi little, I'm so glad you came out tonight." She smiled and hugged me.

"Hi Big" I hugged her back then pulled myself up to sit on the bar she pulled herself up to join me. Turning around and asking Mitch one of the brothers who was pouring a beer from the keg to pour us each one too.

"Ladies." He said handing the three of us our beers.

Alice was standing in front of us scanning the crowd. I knew exactly who she was looking for and had to stifle a laugh. Rose must have notice to because she nudged her and pointed to the beer pong table where a few of our sisters were playing some of the brothers.

Alice smiled when she saw the tall blond haired well muscled laid back object of her affection, Jasper Witlock. Jasper is a great guy, truly genuine. He and I met in freshman orientation he is a history major with a minor in literature so we had a lot of the same classes. I introduced Alice and him during our first week at the freshman picnic and she has been pining ever since. The two of them get along great which surprised me since they are so opposite, Alice being more of a city girl who likes to shop and plan events and Jasper being more of a country boy southern gentleman with his motorcycle (cringe) and worn jeans. I keep trying to tell Alice that as a male he is most likely oblivious to her attraction and she should just ask him out but she insists that when the time is right he will realize.

I rolled my eyes thinking of her true love can't be rushed theory and decided to let him know we're here. "Hey Jazz!" I yelled over the music. He looked up at the sound of his name and smiled when he saw me wave.

"Hey Bells! You and Ali gonna take on winner or is your big sister gonna show Emmett up again?"

It wasn't until he mentioned Emmett that I saw the dark curly hair and burly figure of my big brother, well fraternity big brother, sitting on the couch watching the game before him with a beer in hand. He barked out a loud laugh smiled at me then looked to Rose with narrowed eyes turned his palm up and pulled his fingers back in, waving her over as if to say "bring it". Rose, Alice and I laughed.

"Not just yet Jazz but no worries we'll show you boys how it's done before the nights over." Rose yelled back to our favorite guys.

"Oh… I'll be back girls" Alice squealed then danced away.

Rose and I looked at each other silently asking what in the world that was all about.

"So I'm really glad you came out tonight little, I've missed you. " Rose put her arm around me and squeezed.

"I'm glad I came too it's good to forget for a while." I looked around trying to see where Alice got off to and notice Emmett again. "Um Rose, who exactly is Em supposed to be dressed as? He looks like an over dressed burgler."

Rose laughed "Oh he must have put the guitar somewhere he says he's Johnny Cash."

I looked at her wide eyed. "He was carrying a guitar around here? He does realize what his drunk ass brothers could do to it right?"

"It wasn't a real guitar. Actually it looked more like a ukulele." She told me before we both broke out into uncontrollable laughter.

Emmett was one of the most intelligent guys I know he is pre law yet sometimes I wonder if he lost his common sense somewhere along the way. Em and I bonded fairly quick when we met. He grew up in a town about twenty minutes from Forks and I had never realized it at the time I had seen him play football many times against my high school. He is such a big teddy bear and is truly the big brother I never had which is why I asked him to be my fraternity big brother. I have a closer bond with him than any of the other Pi Kapps and he has been there for me through everything these past few months.

Rose and I were still laughing at Emmett when Alice came back over to the bar with an extremely good looking guy in tow. This was a mixer so only Pi Kapps and Sigmas were allowed but I had never seen this guy before. He was tall and lean built like a runner or maybe a basketball player, with amazingly bright green eyes and unruly bronze hair. _Must be a pledge_ I thought.

"Rose this is Edward he's in my communications class and is pledging this semester."

Edward held out his hand for Rose to shake "Hi Edward I'm Rose, This is my little Bella. Be nice to her." And with that she hopped off the bar and walked away with Alice.


	3. The Mixer

**Disclaimer: **I own nothing that you recognize from Twilight

Chapter 3: The mixer

I sat there in shock. They just left me! Now what do I say, this is an obvious attempt to set us up but I so do not need a relationship right now, not to mention I have never seen this guy before in my life.

I looked at Edward who was standing in front of me with a crooked smile looking slightly smug. He hopped up on the bar next to me and bumped my shoulder "Well that wasn't awkward." He laughed.

I looked over at him and couldn't help but laugh as well. "Yeah sorry about them my sisters can be a little pushy."

"Not a problem, after seeing Alice in class I've learned to just go with it." He smiled again and I couldn't help but get lost in his eyes. I shook my head to focus and went to jump down off the bar.

"Well Edward it was nice to meet you but I should probably find the girls." Before I could take a step he grabbed my shoulder.

"Now wait a minute Rose said to be nice, it wouldn't be nice of me if I let you let you wander off alone." I couldn't help but roll my eyes at this comment. One, I had been in this house enough times there was no way to get lost, and two, I knew every person here.

He must have caught my eye roll because he chuckled and hopped off the bar "Come on I'm up next for beer pong. Be my partner." It wasn't a request. I huffed and followed him to the table.

"Hey little sis!" Emmett flung his arm around my shoulder and I instantly relaxed. "I see you've met Cullen, he better be being nice to you."

It took me a second to realize he was talking about Edward "Yes Em, actually we were just about to challenge the next bunch of loser to beer pong." The next thing I knew I was being lifted into a bear hug.

"Yes! I knew you would play tonight."

"EM PUT ME DOWN!" I yelled out while slapping him on the back but Emmett just kept laughing.

"Emmett McCarty! Put my little down before you break her." Rose scolded but had lost some of her intended effect as she was holding back a laugh.

"Alright alright, sorry little." He set me down then turned to Rose "What do you say Rosie should we show our little and Cullen here how to play?"

Great, I groaned, Emmett and Rose were too good at this game. They usually play against each other because they're so competitive and most people can't stand against them. I turned to Edward. "You had better be good! I don't like to lose and I don't feel like getting trashed tonight. I know my big brother any team that loses against him is also required to shoot and liquor he chooses after the game."

This did not seem to bother Edward one bit he simply grabbed my hand and pulled me over to the table. "I guess we'll just have to win then won't we?" He seemed confident enough. This should be interesting. Edward was arranging our cups and pouring the beer so I figured I should at least find something to talk about.

"So Edward, why didn't you pledge last semester?" He looked at me with slight confusion in his eyes. "I just mean I know we take pledge classes every semester but freshman usually go through rush first semester, not open bids."

"Oh I just started this semester, I started working right out of high school and wasn't sure college was something I wanted to do. It's difficult starting midyear but it only puts me a little behind."

Huh, I wasn't expecting that. He seems so comfortable here like it took him no time at all to assimilate to the college life. It's not uncommon to have midyear freshman but Edward doesn't act like a pledge he acts more like a long time active brother. I can already tell he is going to good for the fraternity. The confidence he carries himself with will truly be good for the house.

"Ladies first." He handed me the ball and moved aside. I took my shot and hit the middle cup. Well at least we're off to a good start. "So what's your major" he asked and I couldn't help but think how mundane that question is, although I guess it can tell you a lot about a person.

"Literature." I smiled I love the classics and reading in general. There is just something about getting lost in another world. "I also have a minor in Journalism."

"So you want to be a writer?" He asked while taking his shot and sinking the back corner cup. I glanced at the table before answering, we weren't winning but we were only one cup behind. We had six cups left. Edward must have been drinking my share.

"Yes I would love to write but producing a novel isn't the easiest thing in the world so I thought that having a journalism background would be smart." Emmett had just sunk a cup so I quickly grabbed it. I may not want to be trashed tonight but I can drink my share. "I figured if I can work in journalism I can write even when I'm not trying to be an author." I laughed at how random I sounded most people don't understand my passion for writing.

"It sounds like you have a good plan, I wish I had things that planned out." He spoke with interest as I took my next shot and missed. Which caused Emmett to grin and Rose to roll her eyes.

"What is your major then?" I smiled at the slightly embarrassed look on his face.

"Um… I'm undeclared right now. I thought that since we have to fill core requirements before we can really get into a lot of our focus studies I would get those out of the way first."

"That's actually a good idea, I can't wait to get my science and math core classes out of the way." I hate that the university requires all students to take one or two basic classes in every general focus. History and political science aren't that bad but math and science ugh! Thankfully logic is considered a math course and I plan on taking that next semester no more number and letter equations.

"Not a fan of those huh?" Edward asked with an amused smile.

"Not at all and they kill my GPA." I realized I sounded whiney as I said that.

"Hey Little stop flirting long enough to drink that beer." I looked over to see Rose pointing at the cup she just sunk the ball in and very maturely stuck my tongue out at her.

The game continued until we were up two cups to one Edward took the last show and sunk it easily. I sighed in relief because I really did not like the look of the bottle of rumple that Emmett was holding. He was standing at his side of the table as Rose patted him on the back with an indulgent smile on her face. I walked over and gave my big brother a hug and told him he could have a rematch next party. This put a smile back on his face. Jasper was standing behind him shaking his head and laughing. Alice came over with a few other sisters and said she wanted to dance grabbing Rose's hand and prancing down the hall toward the other basement room.

Just next to the bar is a doorway that leads to the back of the basement where the brothers have painted their letters in bright paint that glows under the black lights. They also set up a sound system to pump music through the house but it's much louder in the dance room.

Edward glanced toward me "Do you want to go dance?" Wow he was taking this 'be nice to her' thing seriously.

I shrugged "Sure."

We walked back to join my sisters. A lot of the guys were back there too. I saw Mitch, and John dancing with Holly, Mary, Kimi, and Erin. Em, Jazz, Alice and Rose were dancing in a group as well, I walked over to them and Rose wrapped her arms around my shoulder dancing behind me. The music changed to cupid shuffle an all the girls started to do the dance. Most of the guys tried to back out until I grabbed Edward's hand "You wanted to dance so get your ass out here."

He rolled his eyes and laughed joining us on the dance floor. Why he was being all weird about doing this dance I just don't know he actually moved really well. Alice taking a cue from me grabbed Emmett and Jasper. I do have to admit watching Emmett with his size quite amusing. After the song we all enjoyed a good laugh at Emmett "walk it by youself" moves. As the next song started Edward wound his arms around my waist from behind and pulled me close grinding to the music. I am normally uncomfortable dancing like this but Edward wasn't acting like the guys at the clubs, the ones who practically try to have sex on the dance floor. With Edward it was all about the music and movement. _Ok that doesn't sound sappy at all. Your grinding with a guy and that's what you think about, geez Bella get a grip._

We danced for a while longer and it wasn't until I noticed that the dance floor was practically empty that it must be fairly late. Edward noticed.

"Come on Brandon should be back, he's our DD tonight let's get you home." He took my hand and let me back upstairs. There were still a few sisters there but I didn't see Rose or Alice anywhere.

"Hey Bella." Jasper said walking over to us. "Ali said to let you know she headed out they left about half an hour ago."

"Oh okay. No big deal. I'm gonna head home too. At least I don't have classes until noon tomorrow. I'm looking forward to sleeping in."

"Well Brandon just got back so he can get you home." Jasper hugged me and said goodnight, then turned to Edward.

"Cullen why don't you take this DD too I think it's gonna be one of his last runs. We're doing clean up here tomorrow at nine anyone who doesn't have class has to be here." Edward nodded and led me to the door with his hand placed gently on my lower back.

We didn't talk on the way back to campus. I rested my head on the seat and again felt the exhaustion I had been feeling for months. When we arrived at my dorm Edward asked if I wanted him to walk me in.

I smiled back at him "No I'll be fine you can't come in anyway. All girls dorm no men allowed after midnight except on weekends." I don't know what possessed me to choose an all girls dorm the curfew was pointless girls snuck guys in all the time. Although it did have its advantages, it is the oldest dorm on campus and the rooms are the biggest.

"Alright, goodnight Bella, sleep well." He gave me another sweet smile as I walked away. _Sleep well, _I thought,_ I always sleep well it's the time I see them most clearly. _


	4. Memories

Chapter 4: Memories

When I got to my room Lauren was asleep, thankfully. She didn't approve of the fact I was in a sorority. Lauren thought like a lot of others that the greek system was good for nothing more than getting drunk and hooking up with guys. How she could think that after living with me for almost a year I will never understand. I sighed and grabbed my t shirt and pajama pants from the dresser to change.

Yes, we party and have a good time like we did tonight. That is part of being in a social sorority, but there is so much more to it that what she thinks. We do charity events, and community service, and mandatory study hours, which reminds me I still have three hours to finish before the meeting on Sunday. I groaned in annoyance at this as I pulled my hair up in to a ponytail. It isn't as if I mind doing study hours it's just that all I have been doing since Christmas break is studying but as a requirement for the sorority so many of those hours have to be done in the library during designated times. I have been avoiding them because I haven't honestly felt like being around many people lately.

But, I have to admit my annoyance with Lauran's views about my sisters isn't because she can't see the good things we do. Hell, her and her little dance team friends are worse than any sorority on campus. After her and her boyfriend Tyler broke up last semester I saw her hanging on a different guy every day for two weeks. No my annoyance with her was because I knew that if it wasn't for the support of my sisters, the pi kapps, Jess and Ang, I would not have come back to school and Lauren would never understand that. It took everything I had to leave all of the places that were special to _us_.

Finally changed into my clothes for the night I grabbed my shower caddy and made my way down the hall to the bathroom. I should have known better than to allow my thought to take that route.

_ "Jacob shut up and serve the ball." Jake laughed and rolled his eyes at me before continuing the game. It was one of the rare non rainy days in Forks and a group of us decided to hang out at the beach. We were playing volleyball and Danielle must not have heart me call for the ball which resulted in us running into each other. Jacob forever being the smart ass found this extremely funny and couldn't resist asking how we actually made the school team. Of course I only fueled his amusement when I threw the ball directly at his head. _

_ "Ugh, stupid overly coordinated idiot" I mumbled when he caught the ball just seconds before it smacked him in the face. This was my relationship with Jake. We would make fun of each other, laugh at the others faults but lord help anyone else who picked on one of us._

_"Aw, come on B you know I love you. You also know it was funny!" I rolled my eyes at him and focused back on the game. Just in time too, as the ball soared over the net I was able to get under it and set Quil up for the spike. Unfortunately Danielle was ready for it and set Embry up. Jake was by my side in the next second. We jumped at the same time to block the hit and as we came down I landed on Jake's foot. We fell into a heap in the sand. One look at each other and we broke out into uncontrollable laughter. _

_ "Geeze B it's a good thing you're not heavy you could have seriously hurt me when we landed." Jake said as he grabbed my sides and started to tickle me. _

_ I smacked his chest and glared at him as best I could through my laughter. "Stop tickling me or I may find a way to cause you physical pain."_

_ "Sure sure." He kissed my forehead before standing and helping me up._

I finished brushing my teeth and grabbed my face wash. As I looked into the mirror I realized I had tears in my eyes. As usual when I remember Jacob I can't tell if my tears are happy from the memories or sad from the grief that doesn't seem to ever want to go away. After washing my face I put my toothbrush, tooth paste, and face wash back in my caddy hanging my washcloth on the side and made my way back to my room.

I curled up in bed and turned to look at the picture on my nightstand. Friends forever was written around the frame. Danielle and Lynn were sitting on the ground laughing at Quil who was next to them. Embry was had a handful of marshmallows poised to throw at Jake while he was using me as a human shield.

_"Hey Embry, if you pay more attention to roasting those marshmallows maybe half the bag wouldn't be melting at the bottom of the fire right now." Quil taunted his friend. _

_ "Ah he can't help it if Danni over there is too distracting for him." Embry's face as Jake outed him on his crush was absolutely priceless. _

_ Danielle grabbed a graham cracker and flung it at Jacob only to miss and smack me in the head._

_ "Hey what did I do" I pouted at Danielle_

_ "Sorry B I have bad aim" Danielle laughed. _

_ "No worries Jake looks hungry, like he could use a few marshmallows stuffed in that big mouth of his." Embry grabbed a handful from the bag. _

_ Jake grabbed me and pulled me in front of him hoping that since I had already caught in the crossfire Embry would take pity. I struggled in Jacob's grasp as Embry stalked closer. Finally just before Embry was about to throw the marshmallows he caught my eye clearly telling me to duck. I did just in time for Jacob to be smacked in the face with about five marshmallows. One hit him directly between the eyes cutting. His smile fell and he glared at me and Embry "Traitor" he looked at me and that was all it took for me to lose the battle I had been having with myself to contain my laughter. _

I ran my hand over the picture feeling another tear fall down my cheek. "Goodnight Jake, love you" I rolled over to fall in to sleep and dreams where I knew my memories would only continue like a movie playing on the screen.

_Lynn, Danielle and I were walking out of the diner laughing and enjoying our summer freedom. It was the first week after school let out for the summer and we were having our usual girls lunch. I turned to say something to Lynn only to bump into someone walking into the diner. _

_ "Sorry" he said as he reached out to steady me so I didn't fall. _

_ "Oh no I wasn't paying attention, it was my fault." I looked at the guy I had bumped into. He was very handsome and I couldn't help but return his smile._

_ Danielle and Lynn were laughing at us as we stood without saying anything for a few minutes. Finally he broke the silence. "I'm James Fields." _

_ "Hi James, I'm Bella Swan. Are you new in town?" I asked while shaking his hand._

_ "Yeah just graduated from high school last year and wanted a change so my mom thought I could come live with my grandparents for a while. They live just outside of town." _

_ I hadn't realized that Mr. and Mrs. Fields had children. They seemed like a nice couple although I didn't often see Mr. Fields in town but I would sometimes see his wife at the grocery store. _

_ "Well Forks is small but it's not a bad place to live, if you can get used to the rain." I cringed at my lame attempt at humor. _

_ "The rain I can handle," James started "the family on the other hand…" he trailed off quieter and I wasn't sure if he meant to say that part out loud. _

_ "Ah, your grandparents not used to you being all grown up?" Lynn asked apparently hearing what he said as well. James smiled a little in response before adding_

_ "It's more that we don't really know each other, they were never really around when I was a kid. So it's a new experience for all of us." I couldn't help but think how hard that must be I only ever knew one of my grandparents but gran Marie and I were close when I was a kid. _

_ "Well James, we're just heading to the mall but I'm sure we'll see you around, in fact we're here every day for lunch you should join us tomorrow." My jaw dropped at Danielle's words. She could be so embarrassing at times. James seemed to be watching my reaction because his smile faded._

_ "No I wouldn't want to intrude." He glanced at Danielle before turning back to me. "But I wouldn't mind seeing you again." I blushed as he watched my reaction again. _

_ "Um sure sure," I pulled out my cell from my pocket. "What's your number?" He recited his cell number to me and I called his phone. "There now you can reach me if you ever need and escape from the grandparents." _

_ He smiled and said thanks before walking into the diner. _

_ "Bella… BELLA!" _I rolled over and realized Lauren was calling, well actually screeching my name.

"Ugh what Lauren?" Why in the hell is she waking me up? I made my schedule so that I could sleep in on Thursdays.

"You didn't change your alarm last night it's been going off for ten minutes." She huffed and stomped away. God could she act more like a child? I rubbed my hands over my face wondering if I could fall back to sleep and reenter my dream. My dream with the good James, the guy I fell in love with, before he changed. Last night was nice it was a good memory not the ones that haunted me for months after we broke up.

I threw my hands back down at my sides. I know it is no use trying to fall back to sleep once I'm awake I'm awake that's just how I am. I rolled out of bed glancing at my picture of Jacob before stripping out of my pajamas and putting on my robe.

After my shower I didn't feel like going to the café for breakfast and I still had two hours before class. I grabbed a breakfast bar and some juice from the mini fridge and flipped on my computer. I have been avoiding my facebook account lately. I really didn't want to talk to anyone from home because all anyone asks is how I'm holding up and that is a question I just can't answer, but today I really wanted to talk to my girls. Danielle and Lynn truly understood and didn't push.

My talk with my girls helped. We didn't talk a lot about Jacob or James, we mainly talked about classes. Even though we avoided the topic of the events that happened over the winter I knew they could tell I was still hurting and that was the reason they promised to find time in the next few weeks to drive up and visit. Both Dani and Lynn decided to go to UW in Seattle and getting together was difficult. We drifted apart a little when we started college but when you are friends since kindergarten distance can never fully break that bond.

Once I logged out I organized everything I would need for today's classes and headed off toward the quad. I was sure Rose and Alice would be there before their classes started and I thought it would be best to get the interrogation over with. I knew they would want to know what I thought of Edward and what happened after they oh so conveniently left me last night. The only problem with the questions I knew I was about to face was I had no answers.

Edward seemed like a really sweet guy. I was comfortable around him and had fun. He was easy to talk to but even though we talked a lot last night I still felt like I barely knew him.

The only thing I knew for sure was that getting close to someone was just not an option. I just don't think I can let anyone else in and risk losing them too.


	5. Questions, Classes, and Help

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing related to Twilight.

**AN:** I won't often do authors notes but I just wanted to take time to thank you for putting my story on your alerts and to AMCovenant-March for reviewing. I'm glad to know you like the story. Please contniue to read and review and know that I welcome any feedback.

Chapter 5: Questions, Classes, and Help

I chuckled to myself when I walked down the steps toward the quad. A group of my sisters were standing together outside the library near a large metal sculpture. It wasn't uncommon for us to congregate in that spot. The sculpture was a form of abstract art, quite large, and was often used as a bench. What made me laugh was how truly easily anyone could spot a member of my sorority.

Every sorority had jackets with their letters displayed proudly across the back. Most of the sororities chose the tamer of their colors for their jackets but not us. Our colors were Red and White and we proudly displayed our letters in a bright white against a blazing red jacket. Oh yes it was hard to miss any of my sisters when we were wearing our bright red jackets.

Today was no different than any other cool day, and we all had our jackets on. Sometimes I wondered why any of us put much thought into what we wear because our jackets became a constant part of our wardrobe as soon as the weather turned cool. As I got closer I could see Rose, Alice, Kate, Maggie, Kimi, Erin, and Jen all smiles and laughter. This is why I love my sisters, we truly were like a family, equal amounts of love, laughter, drama and chaos.

"Bella!" Alice squealed as soon as she caught sight of me. The girls turned and waved me over. Alice's excited smile fell as soon as she took in my outfit. I knew I would have to stop her before she had a chance to lecture me.

"Hey Ali, hi girls, and Alice don't go there not today it was a long night and you know I have classes from now until dinner on Thursdays. There was no way I was getting all prissy with heels and cute clothes today." There was nothing wrong with my clothes. I had on a pair of dark skinny jeans and light brown thin v neck sweater that was form fitting and a pair of ballet flats. I was comfortable and there was no way I wanted to be in heels and tight clothes that felt too small when I had to spend the next six hours in classes and walking across campus.

The other girls had to hide their laughter as I finished my statement. Alice was our resident fashionista. She typically thought that a cute pair of heels and a nice handbag was essential to every outfit. The rest of us on the other hand felt that walking around campus in hooker heels and tight clothes was unnecessary and should be left to the girls who liked to promote the stereotypical views of a sorority girl. I myself also thought that Alice needed to remember not all of us were barely 5 foot and practically lived in heels like she did.

"Well I guess it's better than your Monday attire. I still hate that you walk around half the day in sweats." She pouted

"It's not half the day Alice! You know I go to the gym Monday mornings with Angela before class and I just don't have the time to change. Besides that, I only have one class that morning and I go back to the dorm and get ready to pass your inspection for the rest of the day." I told her with a roll of the eyes. Honestly if I had my way I would stay in those sweats all day. A lot of people on campus look like they usually roll out of bed and go straight to class in what they slept in.

"So Bells, who was the hottie you were dancing with last night?" Kate asked ending our wardrobe conversation.

I sighed and so it begins. "Oh I assume you mean Edward?"

"Assume? Was there another gorgeous guy following you around all night that we don't know about?" Kimi teased while the others giggled.

"His name is Edward Cullen, he is a pledge and Alice introduced him so you may learn more if you ask her." I knew that my attempt to avoid the questions was absolutely pointless but I had to try. "By the way," I glared at Alice and Rose. "That wasn't an awkward introduction or anything! 'Be nice to her.' Really Rose?"

Rose looked over at me with an all too innocent expression "What? It worked he was obviously nice to you, you seem to enjoy his company."

"Yeah so when is your first date?"Alice chimed in.

Good lord sometimes I think my sisters need serious mental help. "There is no first date, or any date for that matter. Edward was very nice and I did have fun but I'm not interested in anything like that right now, and he probably has a girlfriend anyway. He doesn't seem like the type to be single for long."

All the girls except for Alice looked at me as if I had lost my mind. Alice was bouncing in place "You like him." She stated with a knowing smile.

"I didn't say I didn't like him Ali. I just don't want that right now…. If at all." I added the last part mostly to myself. "Edward seems like a really nice guy I'm sure we could be friends I just have other things to focus on right now."

I could see how they were all looking at me. Some with understanding, some with concern, and some with pity, but they all knew what I meant. I also knew what they were thinking. My sisters and friends had been trying to get me back to the girl I was last semester.

"Well girls we should get to our classes, does everyone still want to meet at the university union for dinner in the restaurant?" There was a great little restaurant in the union that had the best food on campus. They served Asian style food and most of the sisters ate there on Tuesdays and Thursdays. It was a normal routine.

My first three classes of the day were great as usual. Every Tuesday and Thursday I have the most classes but three of them are for my major and minor, so I always look forward to these days.

Classical Literature, with Professor Reeds passed quickly as she continued her discussion from Tuesday on _Pride and Prejudice. _We had been discussing the different world views during Miss Austen's time and our time. Professor Reeds assigned a paper answering the question "How would the story differ if the novel were written from a modern perspective?" I could not wait to sit down and truly consider this question. This is one of my favorite novels and I truly find it interesting to look at it from a new perspective.

Creative Writing, with Professor Jones was fun as usual. She always encouraged us to branch out and think outside of the box. Today we handed in our latest brainstorming ideas and discussed proper ways to outline our stories. Then there was my Media Writing class where we had been discussing ethical issues reporters are faced with. So far the day has been pretty typical for me and I enjoy starting my day off with courses for my major because it reminds me of what I'm working towards.

Now however it's the part of my day were I get some of those core classes out of the way. Biology 101, a class I should never have signed up for. I have never been great in science classes but when it came time to set my schedule I thought biology would be safe. I wasn't in the advanced biology classes in high school but I did fairly well, oh how wrong I was. I loathed this class. After an hour of lecture to prepare us for next week's lab I was thrilled to walk into my last class of the day.

Even though this was a two hour long class I did not mind in the least. Rose and I both decided to take this class because it was widely known that the professor was lax in his requirements and although Rose was a year ahead of me she still had some core classes to finish. Political Film proved to be a great choice. Each week we would watch a film then hand in a three page report on its political implications. I hadn't realized when I signed up for this class that we would be watching movies I had actually heard of.

I walked in and placed my report on _JFK _starring Kevin Costner on the professor's desk before taking my seat next to Rose.

"Hey little, how's your day been?"

"Good Rose, I've got a huge paper for my classical lit class but that's not too big a deal. Bio sucked as usual." She laughed knowing how much I hated that class.

She was just about to speak when the Professor entered the room. "Okay class we're going to change the pace a little this week and I know most of the guys will enjoy the film. So sit back and watch. Remember no talking try to pay as much attention as you can." With that he started the film and the title came across the screen and I understood why he thought the guys would like the movie this week, _Apocalypse Now._

A note fell on my desk and I knew it was from Rose.

_Bella, I just wanted to say sorry for pushing you with the whole Edward thing. I know you still need time but I just want to see you happy._

I know Big, it's Ok.

_Is it Bella? Think about what you said to us today. _

What are you talking about?

_You_ _said you had other things to focus on. What exactly are you focusing on little?_

Classes and the sorority, and you know I've been thinking about working on the newspaper staff next year.

_That's not what you meant and you know it! You're only focus is the past and it needs to stop. I can't say what James would have wanted since you won't talk about him, but I knew Jacob, and I highly doubt he would want you to shut yourself off like this. He loved you Bella and he would want you to have fun and enjoy your life like he always did._

I didn't write back. What could I say to her? I know she's right that is exactly what Jake would want. James would have too, although he would have preferred telling me how to enjoy life. How do I explain to her why I just can't do what she is telling me to do? How do I explain that I don't think it's fair that I get to enjoy life? How do I explain that I'm too afraid to let myself move on.

As class ended Rose and I grabbed our bags and walked out of the building in silence. Once outside she started. "Bella I…"

I cut her off before she could say any more. "Big, I love you and I know you mean well but I really don't want to talk about this right now. Let's just go get dinner and enjoy the rest of the night."

She nodded her head in agreement and we made our way to the union. Finding our sister was easy they had a large table in the center of the restaurant and everyone's red jackets were hanging off the backs of their chairs. We sat at two chairs at the end of the table with Kate and Jen. Alice joined us not long after she was smiling like a Cheshire cat and I could only assume it was because of the tall blond haired man who came in a few minutes after her.

"Hey Ali, did you have a nice walk down to the union?" I teased.

"Why yes Bella darling I did. Jasper was nice enough to escort me across campus. He said a gentleman would not allow a lady to walk by herself with it getting dark." As she shared this information I swear I could hear the butterflies in her stomach.

"So I take it you're still waiting for this gentleman to properly begin courting you?" I asked

"We're meant to be together it just isn't the right time yet Bella, it will happen I can feel it." Rose, Kate and I had to laugh at this. We were the ones she complained to for a week after she met Jasper. She came to us for reassurance, asking if we thought he liked her, or if he was already seeing someone. Then suddenly one day she said she got this feeling that he truly was the one and she just had to be patient and wait for him to feel it too.

"So girls we have a little over a month before Easter slash spring break. When we get back greek week will start. I know we don't know the partners yet or the themes but I thought I should book one of the classrooms now so that as soon as we get back we can practice a routine for greek sing." Kimi announced to the table. She is an amazing dancer and as such was voted to take charge in the choreography for this year's greek sing competition.

I was really looking forward to greek sing even though I am not the world's best dancer nor do I enjoy being on stage. At the end of every year Sororities and fraternities are paired up for a week worth of competition. Events range from kickball to swimming. Greek sing is the final event there is a theme and every organization dances on stage for an audiences and judges. Winner gets bragging rights for the year but anyone who attends the events are asked to donate for charity. This year's charity is The Make a Wish Foundation.

Nikki our president was the first to respond. "That sounds like a good idea Kim, even without a theme it will be good to get some ideas going. The more practice time the better, I really want to win again this year."

I leaned over to ask Rose. "Did we win greek sing or all of greek week last year?"

"Oh all of greek week. We were partners with the Alpha Chi brothers and they are one of the most competitive fraternities on campus."

Kate heard what she was saying and added "Well we're one of the most competitive sororities. I wonder if the Omega Tau brothers will challenge us in tug-o-war again" Rose and I laughed. I had already heard this story apparently last year the Omega Tau brothers, who are almost on the football team wanted to see if any of the girls would take them on. My sisters took the challenge and won, much to the amusement to a lot of bystanders, and the college football coach. He told them that it just shows that determination means more than muscle.

"Well ladies, dinner was wonderful as always but I'm going to take off, see you all tomorrow." I stood up to leave and Alice got up to join me.

"I still can't get used to the fact they have the best Asian food around in our little university union." She said while linking her arm with mine. Then her grip tightened and it actually hurt a little.

"Ow, Ali what is wrong with you loosen up a bit."

"Oh sorry Bella, it's just your skanky roommate. Look what table she is sauntering over to." When I spotted Lauren and another one of her minions I quickly realized why Alice reacted the way she did.

Lauren and her friend were as usual wearing clothes that were so small it looked like they had gone shopping at _Limited Too _and were on their way to where Jasper and Emmett were sitting. The guys knew my issues with Lauren and her reputation so I wasn't really worried but I did feel pity for the guys.

"Well should we head her off or should we let them squirm?" I asked Alice with a little laugh.

"I think we should save them, she looks like she's on a real mission tonight." I shrugged at Alice's response and we made our way over to say hi to the guys. We got to their table just second before Lauren and her minion closed in on their prey.

"Hey guys." I plopped down on the bench next to Emmett, while Alice climbed on the bench behind theirs and leaned over the top.

"Hey little sis, Alice." Emmett responded and threw his arm over my shoulder.

"Evening ladies" Jasper smiled at us.

I heard Lauren huff and saw her cross her arms over her chest, pouting like a baby as she made her way toward the ladies room as if it were her intended destination all along. Alice must have seen this as well because she started giggling at the same time I tried to hold back my laugh.

"Okay so what is so funny you two?" Jasper asked confusion clear on his face.

"Just that you boys need to pay more attention to your surroundings, or you may get a nasty bite from a viper when we're not here to save you." I said

"Huh" was Emmett's intelligent reply. Alice smacked him on the head and said

"Emmett what she means is Lauren and one of her gross friends were making their way over here until we got here first."

"OH! EW! Bella, Alice, thank you." He said. "I think you just saved us a fate worse than death."

"What's a fate worse than death? Oh Hello Bella, Alice." Edward sat down nodding toward each of us as he said hello.

Jasper answered his question because Emmett was still too busy squirming at what I assumed was the mental picture of Lauren flirting with him. "The girls here just saved us from a potential succubus attack."

Edward looked very confused by this. "I see." I took it upon myself to explain because he looked so lost on the conversation.

"Edward, apparently your soon to be brothers have not warned you about my wonderful roommate." My voice was dripping with sarcasm. "She is horrid. She was little miss queen bee in her high school, and since half her high school came here for college she thinks nothing has changed."

Alice continued for me. "When she sinks her fangs into a guy she doesn't let go until she has sucked them dry. She's awful to Bella and I because of the sorority, when she is the one who only cares about drinking and her next hookup."

Edward looked between the two of us before asking "So I take it that she was after someone at this table tonight then?" I nodded

"Yep but honestly don't thank me I wanted to watch my big brother here squirm but Ali thought we should help you guys out." I laughed at the look of indignation on Emmett's face

"Bella! You would really do that to me?" The rest of the table joined my laughter as indignation turned to all out fear at the idea.

Once we finally stopped laughing I stood up to leave "Well we should head back. I have a paper to start and I really need to look over my bio notes."

"Why are you even attempting it Bella, you should have dropped the class when you could. I swear it's like u enjoy torture." Alice stated as she climbed out of the booth.

"Bella wait." I stopped and looked at Edward. "You know I'm fairly good at most sciences if you want any help understanding the material." He said quietly while Jasper and Emmett looked like they were torn between being amused and protective.

"Well… um… I guess I could use all the help I can get. Um.." I started while looking in my bag for a pen and paper. I wrote down my cell number and my room number and handed him the paper. "Here if you're sure you don't mind helping, and thanks."

"Night guys. Bye Jazz." Alice said then linked her arm with mine again.

"See ya guys." I said before walking out of the restaurant and back to the dorm.


	6. A day with the girls

Chapter 6: A day with the girls

When I woke up the next morning I realized that the room was empty. I was thankful that I wouldn't have to deal with Lauren and was somehow able to avoid her last night as well. When I finally got to bed around midnight, after doing a bit of research for my Classical lit paper, she still hadn't come back to the dorm. I really didn't care to know where she was or what she was doing. I should probably have worried about whether she came back at all but for all of Lauren's faults she did care about her grades and I knew she had an early class this morning, she always made it back before it got too late no matter what she her previous activities were.

I stretched my arms above my head and willed myself to get out of bed. I dreamt about James again last night, it was another good dream. It was a week after we started dating and it was the week of the county fair. Being from such a small town the county fair was always one of the events that people look forward to. Dirt bike racing events, parades, fireworks and carnival rides as lame as it sounds, it really is a fun time. James and I decided to go on the last day. We spent the day walking around eating funnel cake and cotton candy, riding the rides, and at the end of the day he went back to his car and grabbed a blanket. We found a spot in the field and cuddled up to watch the fireworks.

When I remembered these times with James I could justify why I stayed with him as long as I did. I sat between his is legs leaning with my back against his chest; he wrapped his arms around me holding me to him through the entire fireworks display. Sometimes he would lean down and kiss my hair or temple. He was so attentive and caring, but even after only a week I should have seen where things would lead. The only friends of mine he would speak to were Danielle and Lynn, and I had already started spending less and less time with Jake and the guys.

I stopped myself there before I could start to cry. I swear lately I felt like I have multiple personalities. This is why I have to keep busy with my classes and sorority. If I'm around other people or working on classes I can pretend everything is okay. I sighed and got out of bed.

Fridays were good and bad. Good because I only had one class. My biology lab is two hours every Monday and Wednesday and everyone likes having a longer weekend. Bad because it meant I had a lot of down time. I could always see if Alice wanted to take a drive into Pinewood. That would mean a shopping trip but it would keep me busy. Meyer being such a small town didn't have a mall, actually other than a few shops, and restaurants, grocery store, and the university there wasn't much in the town at all. Pinewood is a town about thirty minutes away and anytime we needed a day out it was the best place to go.

I got ready and headed over to the café for breakfast. It was only about ten o'clock so I had about an hour before my class and I was in dire need of coffee. I walked into the café and swiped my ID card to pay for my meal, I grabbed some cereal and fruit and a large cup of coffee and went to find a seat. I saw Angela and Jessica sitting at a table near the window so I went to join them.

"Hi girls." I pulled out a chair and sat

"Hey Bella, how's your morning been?" Angela asked

"It's just starting so not much to tell. How about you?"

"Oh, not bad. I ran into Lauren in the bathroom this morning, she was whining about how you are so possessive of the guys." Jessica started and I knew she said this more as a question than a statement.

"Possessive? What is that supposed to mean?" Angela began, she is such a kind hearted person but also a great judge of character. While Jess likes to gossip we all know she is good at heart so it's easy to over look some of her demeaning qualities.

"I mean that she said that Bella acts like she owns Emmett and Jasper and won't allow them to talk to other girls." My mouth dropped open and then I laughed at the absurdity of the idea.

"Yeah because she hasn't figured out how to be friends with guys without sleeping with them, it's impossible for anyone else. She's just mad about last night that's all." I should have known she would have something to say after I cut off her fun last night.

"What happened to piss her off so bad this time" Angela asked in a bored and annoyed tone. So I told them the story of what happened at dinner. Honestly you would think I intruded on a date with a celebrity or something with the way Jess said she was acting.

"Wow, I can't believe she is such a spoiled bitch!" Jess said. "She knows you and the guys are close I mean Emmett hangs out with you all the time."

"Yeah I know but it is what it is she'll get over it." I took one last drink of my coffee and finished off my cereal. "Listen, I need to get to class…" I started to say but stopped when I noticed Jess had her eyes focused on something outside the window.

"Well speak of the devils, and who is the new guy hanging out with them?" She asked and I turned my head to see Emmett, Jasper and Edward walking past the café.

They looked up and saw us sitting there. Em waved and winked, Jasper smiled and Edward caught my eye and smiled his acknowledgement. We waved back and I continued what I was saying.

"I really should head to class. I was thinking about a trip to Pinewood tonight if you girls want to come."

"Okay we'll let you know. See you later Bella" Thank goodness it was Angela who answered. If it had been Jessica she would have made me miss class asking about Edward.

I called Alice on my way to class to see if she was up for a trip to Pinewood. Naturally she was thrilled with the chance to shop. I told her to ask Rose and Kate if they wanted to come as well and that we could leave around two when everyone got done with their classes for the day.

By noon I was finished with my only class for the day and decided to go to the library to do some research before it was time to meet Alice and the rest of the girls. I had considered going back to the dorm to change and relax but that meant possibly seeing Lauren. I was wearing a pair of grey skinny jeans black ballet flats and an old faded long sleeved AC/DC concert tee. Edgy cute and stylish, Alice would approve and I just didn't think it was worth dealing with Lauren to change when I was already comfortable.

I had two hours to research for my Classical Lit paper and try to keep my mind off things. Too bad I couldn't count these toward my study hours, oh well I guess I'll have to do them tomorrow. At least on Saturday our designated hours were from eleven to three so I won't have to waste the evening in the library.

I walked up to the third floor and found a study carrel near the tables we use for our study hours. I pulled out my notebook and looked through the ideas I had jotted down last night, and then went to find the reference materials that could help me write my paper.

As odd as it sounds I loved being in the library it was quiet, and I could truly focus. I pulled out a book on political views and how they affect fictional writing, and began to read through its pages. It wasn't long before my mind wandered from the paper I should have been working on to memories of Jacob.

_We were in the fourth grade and it was the last weekend before Christmas Vacation. My dad, mom and I were at Jake's house for dinner. While the adults were inside cooking dinner Jake and I were outside in the tree house, hi, me, and Quil had built a few years ago. _

"_You know Quil has a crush on you?" Jake asked with a cheeky grin._

"_Ew no he does not!" _

"_Yes he does. Why do you think he stuck up for you when Alec was picking on you in gym last week?"_

_It was cold out and we were both wrapped up in big fleece blankets. I was curled up in Jacob's side so he couldn't see me roll my eyes at him. "You stuck up for me too Jake, does that mean you have a crush on me too?" I teased_

"_What? No! I love you Bells always have always will but not like that." He wrapped his arm around me and squeezed."Why, are you trying to tell me you like me?"_

_I laughed "No Jake you're my best friend always will be nothing will ever change there."_

_He sat up and looked at me "So if you had a boyfriend I'd still be important to you? The most important?" I couldn't believe he was asking me that question. I was eleven years old, yeah I thought boys were cute I even had a crush on Jared another boy in our class, but Jacob was family, no one could ever replace him. _

"_No, Jake you'll always be my number one." I stated firmly_

"_Good because you're my girl always no matter who else there is you're my number one too." He sat back and put his arm around me again. _

I sighed and closed the book I was meant to be reading. It's no use even when I'm trying not to remember he's always there in my mind. They both will be. The fact that I had lied to Jacob back then sent a pain through my heart and I felt tears well in my eyes. I told Jacob he would always be number one but when James came along that changed. Jacob didn't like James. It was the first time I had a serious boyfriend, and I thought he just needed to get used to the idea. Jacob had dated Leah Clearwater off and on starting junior year. I was okay with it and Leah had always known us so she understood our friendship. I had thought that since James was new in town that he and Jake just needed to get used to one another. The longer I dated James the more distant Jacob and I became. We would talk in school but there was tension.

"_I don't like him B, he never wants to do anything with the rest of us, and he makes a big deal out of it when we all hang out. We're your friends and we barely ever see you." Jacob said to me on the way to history._

"_Jake we've only been dating about a month. We are still in that new stage. We don't have history together he just wants time for us to make our own memories first." I was practically pleading with him to understand. I felt terrible for abandoning my friends but Jake needed to understand what James meant to me._

"_He's jealous. He's jealous of our friendship and the fact that I'm a guy." I could see the hurt in his eyes and the anger on his face. "I've even told him you're like my sister and don't think of you like that but he still doesn't like you hanging out with me." _

_I hate that things were like this with Jacob but I was angry too, he just wouldn't try to understand. "Yes he's jealous Jake! He loves me and he doesn't know you, us, the way everyone else does."_

_Jacob stopped dead in his tracks. "He loves you? He told you he loves you?" _

"_Yes Jacob, he told me last night, and I love him. He makes me feel special and beautiful and cared for. Please Jake just be happy for me."_

"_Alright B, I'll try because I want you to be happy but I just don't want to see you get hurt."_

My phone chimed alerting me that I had a text message. I opened it to see that Alice had text me. She wanted to know where I was and if I still wanted to leave at two. I sent her a message back telling her to pick me up at the library. I hadn't even realized I had been sitting here lost in my thoughts for over an hour. I put my notebook and pen back in my bag checked to see if I had everything in my wallet and put the reference books back on the shelves before heading downstairs.

Outside I spotted Kate's Envoy. Her SUV was the largest car out of all of ours and the extra space would be needed if Alice and Rose had their way. I hopped in the backseat with Alice, Jessica, and Angela.

"Hey Bells, did you get any work done on your paper?" Angela asked

"Yeah some." No need to tell them that I was lost in memories for the majority of my time in the library. "I thought you were going to text me if you were able to come. Not that I'm not happy you're here." We laughed

"Well we ran into Alice back at the dorm so there wasn't really any need." Angela replied.

"Alright ladies are we all set, I thought we could shop then maybe head over to the new Italian place near the mall." Kate asked before pulling out.

"I heard that place has great calamari." Rose responded. "Alice, remind me while we're at the mall I want to check out the new BCBG shoes."

"No problem Rose, I saw a pair last week that would look really cute with your dress for the spring formal." Alice answered before turning to me. "Bella you are still planning on coming right we need to book our rooms at the hotel for the night, so we're in the block they set up so that we can get the discount."

"Yes Ali I'm still coming, Dani and Lynn are coming to visit in a few weeks so I thought we could go then and find my dress." I had actually forgotten about the formal. We have a formal every year the Rubies and Roses celebration, for the sorority. With Spring break/Easter, greek week, and everything else it really is shaping up to be a busy semester. "That actually reminds me Alice, I want to pick up some hair dye while we're out. Will you do my hair tonight?"

I knew it was dangerous asking Alice to do my hair she would want to turn it into a total makeover but she was as good as any hairstylist and it didn't cost me anything. "Yes, yes, yes!" She chanted.

"Hang on Alice you are just dying my hair that's all. I want it back to my natural color. Blond is not me and I don't know why I have left it this way for so long."

"Wait a second; don't you have a study date tonight?" Rose asked looking back at me from the passenger seat.

I looked at her confused "Study date?"

"Yes, Alice said that Edward offered to help you with biology." She looked at me obviously asking me why I hadn't already mentioned this.

"I haven't even seen or spoken to Edward today. Unless you count when him, Jazz and Em walked past the café this morning."

"Wait you have a study date with the hot guy we saw this morning?" Jessica asked excitedly.

"It's not a big deal I told him I'm not that great in science and math and he offered to help. I haven't heard from him. He's probably busy and I doubt I'll hear from him before the weekend is over." I shot an annoyed glance at Alice.

"What's that look for Bella? I just mentioned to Rose that Edward offered to help and maybe that was that was the reason you wanted to go shopping so early."

"I just wanted to get off campus Ali, nothing else."

"Okay well after shopping everyone can come over to my room and I'll dye your hair and we'll watch movies, you know a girls night." She said to everyone in the car and everyone agreed. I was happy that Jess and Ang got along with my sisters, even though they never had an interest in joining.

The rest of the drive was spent singing along to Katy Perry and Lady Gaga, laughing and being totally childish. Shopping was an adventure as it always is with the likes of Alice, Rose, and Jessica. Alice insisted that I try on a few gowns for the formal even though I told her that I wanted to wait until Dani and Lynn were here to give their input as well. Angela and I left the others looking at the shoes to go find a bookstore. I have a bit of a shoe addiction but not as bad as the others so I thought my time would be better spent seeing if there was any new books that looked interesting. Finally we went to the Italian place Kate had mentioned. It was a nice little place and Rose insisted on ordering the calamari. After looking over the menu we all decided to order different appetizers and share. Soon the table was filled with stuffed mushrooms, fried mozzarella, calamari, fried zucchini and other things.

We stopped by the movie store to rent a few movies for our girls' night in and picked up popcorn and chips. I grabbed a bag of recess pieces while Kate picked up a box of snow caps, saying they are her favorite movie theater treat. By the time we arrived back at Masen Hall, our dorm, we were so exhausted we dropped my bags off in my room, Jess and Angela put their bags in their room and we went straight down the hall to Alice's room.

Alice had a single room so it was only slightly smaller than the double rooms. Her bed was pushed up against the wall near the window and her desk was next to it. On the opposite wall was her dresser, the same old worn furniture that was in all of the rooms next to her closet. She had a bigger television than mine or the one in Jess and Ang's room. It was a 32" flat screen hanging on the wall across from her bed. It was decorated with light pinks and purples.

While Alice sat her bags down near the closet Rose and Kate pulled the bean bag chairs to the middle of the room and Jessica and Angela sat on the bed. Alice put in the first movie, _Bride Wars_, and ordered me to sit on the floor in front of her desk chair. She sat behind me and prepared the hair dye before getting to work on my hair.

Alice was almost done putting the last of the dye on my hair when my phone rang. The only way I could answer it was if I wanted to get dye all over the phone so I just let it go to voicemail. Most likely it was my mother who insists I call her at least twice a week, on top of her instant messaging me. The worst thing that could ever happen for our relationship was here learning how to use IM; she could talk for hours about nothing.

"It's probably Renee I'll just call her tomorrow not bid deal." I told Rose when she went to answer the phone for me. The girls got to know my parents when everything happened. They somehow found Rose's number and spent a lot of time talking to my friends making sure I was dealing with everything.

"If you're sure Bells." She sat back to continue watching the movie. "You know she'll just call again until you answer."

"Probably but maybe she'll think I just went to bed early or something."

Alice pushed her chair back and went to take the gloves off. "Alright Bella about twenty minutes then you need to go wash that out."

I reached over and grabbed some popcorn from Rose and continued to watch the movie. We all laughed at the blue hair and orange tan. We also agreed that if we ever wanted to be really vindictive to Lauren the orange tan would be a funny prank. Not that we would ever do anything like that to someone. Although it is still funny to picture what she would look like.

Sooner than I realized the timer Alice set went off and I had to go down to the bathroom to shower and rinse my hair. After my shower I went back to my room to change out of my robe into my pj pants and tee shirt. Lauren was sitting on her bed with her lap top and I had to keep myself from laughing at the images of her with orange skin that popped into my mind. We didn't speak and I can't say that bothered me.

As I walked back into Alice's room Rose threw me my phone. "I don't think Renee's giving up tonight you may as well call her back."

I looked at the clock it was almost ten thirty now. It must be important if she is still calling. I opened my phone to see my missed calls but the last one wasn't from Renee it was from Edward. I also had a text from him received a few minutes after he called. **Bella, sorry I didn't call earlier, I had to go to Chandler after classes today and just got back. Call me when you can. E**

That's odd what could he have needed to go to Chandler College for? Chandler was a small private college almost an hours drive from here. I told the girls I'd be back and walked out into the hall to return Edward's call.

I was surprised when his ringback tone filled my ear, Frank Sinatra's That's Life, was playing. I only heard a short bit of the song before he answered. "Hello?"

"Hi Edward, it's Bella I saw you're text."

"Yeah I'm sorry I didn't try to get a hold of you sooner but I didn't think I would be gone as long as I was." He sounded like he expected me to be upset.

"No need to apologize…" I trailed off. I assumed he was calling to set up a time to work on my biology but I didn't want to sound like that was the only reason I would talk to him.

"Well a friend goes to school there and asked to borrow my car. I just didn't know I was going to have to play chauffer all day." I laughed even though he seemed really annoyed.

"Well it was nice of you to help them out like that especially on a Friday night and all."

"Yeah I guess, anyway I just wanted to let you know I didn't forget about you. I was wondering if tomorrow is good for you to go over your biology work."

Why did he sound like he was trying to change the subject? "Yeah sure sure, what time and where do you want to meet?"

"Well I have to be at the house in the morning, we have some pledge duties, as Emmett puts it, but we should be done around noon or so. I could always just come to your dorm if that's okay with you." HA, pledge duties yeah right, in other words the guys that live at the house are too lazy to clean up after the poker night they're having tonight and want the pledges to do it. Well, I guess there could be worse forms of hazing. That's one of the things that make the pi kapps and my sisters are so close we don't really haze. None of that degrading or physical stuff you see in movies.

I realized I hadn't answered Edward yet and thought, noon was fine but do I really want to subject him to Lauren. Well I can't protect the guys all the time and he has already been warned. "That sounds good I'll see you around noon then. I'm in Masen Hall, room 328, just buzz the room when you get here so I can let you in." Security for the dorms was simple; you have to swipe your ID to get in your dorm and can't get in any other dorm without someone letting you in.

"Great, I'll see you tomorrow then. Goodnight Bella."

"Goodnight Edward."

I hung up and went back to finish our girls' night. I didn't mention Edward coming over tomorrow to the girls. They would just turn it into some big deal and I didn't see the point in getting their hopes up. Since I left the library this afternoon the day has been drama and memory free and I really wanted to keep it that way. Just a night with the girls.

* * *

**AN:** Hey all, I'm glad that people have taken an interest in the story and I don't expect you to always review, I know I don't always review I try to save my thoughts for when I have a question or real concern, so I won't do this often but I would love it if you can give me some feedback. Anything constructive helps, it's just nice to know you're reading the story and want me to continue writing the story. Sorry for any grammer or spelling errors I try to catch them but sometimes it's easy to miss things. Thanks for Reading.


	7. Study time

**Disclaimer: I own nothing related to Twilight**

**AN: **Thanks to all those reading hope you enjoy this chapter just a little get to know Edward better time.

Chapter 7: Study time

I woke up the next day to sunlight shining through my window causing me to want to pull the covers over my eyes. A morning person I was not, and right now I was in desperate need of coffee and then a long hot shower. I rolled over and looked at my clock realizing it actually wasn't as early as I thought, ten-thirty. Well I guess that's what I get for staying up until three in the morning watching movies and having fun with the girls.

I stretched and got out of bed, making my way to my lifeline at college, the coffee maker. My parents had gotten me a small five cup coffee maker for Christmas. It reminded me of the ones that you get in hotel rooms. I pulled a water jug out of the mini fridge and filled the pot and got the coffee ready to brew. I flipped on the pot before changing into my robe, grabbing my shower caddy and making my way down to the bathroom to shower and attempt to wake up for the day.

I took my time in the shower letting the hot water relax the knots in my back. I thought about the things that I needed to do today. I still had some time before my paper needed to be turned in for Classical lit, and most of my other class work was simple reading to prepare for lectures. Tomorrow was our weekly meeting for the sorority and I hadn't finished my study hours yet. I could probably head down to the library after my shower, sisters would be there around noon. Noon, crap I completely forgot, Edward, he said he would be over today around noon. Well I guess I'll just have to take the fine of extra community service for not completing my study hours.

There are some things that we take very seriously. Everyone in the Sorority carries responsibility the same. Even if your GPA is up to chapter and university standards, study hours are a requirement. The same goes with community service, social events, and meetings. If you fail to meet the requirements there is a consequence. For study hours, you are asked to do extra community service, outside of anything the sorority has already planned, also if your GPA drops below requirements you are assigned more study hours as well as kept from certain social events. For community service it is the reverse of study hours. Social events you can only miss so many before you are required to be a mandatory DD for the next mixer same rule applies for meetings. I enjoy it, these rules keep everyone honest and remind us we are not only there to party.

I finished rinsing the shampoo from my hair and turned off the water. I wrapped my hair in a towel and put on my robe. I brushed my teeth before taking the towel off my hair and rubbing it over the ends of my hair to soak up some of the excess water. I smiled when I looked in the mirror, I was very happy with the fact I had decided to dye my hair back to its natural chocolate brown color. After running a comb through my hair I went back to my room.

Before opening the door I noticed that Lauren had written a note on her side of the message board attached to our door. **Gone home for the day** it read, good at least it saves me the energy of dealing with her today. I opened the door to the smell of freshly brewed coffee. Yes this day was certainly looking good. No Lauren and hot rich coffee.

I lay on my bed reading _Pride and Prejudice_ partially for my paper partially for enjoyment. My gray university sweatshirt and black yoga pants were the outfit of the day. The weekends were for relaxation and even though I was studying I wanted to be comfortable and relaxed. I hadn't bothered with make up or doing my hair, instead I tied it up in a messy bun. I could faintly hear the sounds of Bach coming from my I-home, I was never able to read without some form of background noise and classical music fit my mood today.

I had just highlighted a passage from the book that I thought may be helpful in writing my paper when the in room phone rang. Each room had a land line phone typically used when faculty or administrators needed to reach students. Throwing my book down I got up to answer it not noticing the time.

"Hello?" I answered expecting it to be our resident advisor who sometimes called the girls on our floor to announce dorm notices.

"Bella? It's Edward." I was surprised was it noon already. I turned to look at the clock beside the bed. HM, twelve fifteen. "Sorry I'm a little late Emmett and Jasper were being a bit of a pain in the ass this morning so it took longer than we thought." I laughed

"Now Edward, those two? A pain in the ass? Never!" I teased.

"Yeah I probably don't have to tell you what they're like." He chuckled.

"Are you downstairs?"

"Yes."

"Okay I'll buzz you in, just wait for me in the lobby." I said before hanging up

He was apologizing for being fifteen minutes late. I shook my head and laughed at that thought. He obviously doesn't know me and my sisters well enough yet. We are perpetually late for everything. We even started scheduling event times fifteen to thirty minutes early just so that when everyone showed up we could begin on time.

I walked into the lobby to see Edward looking slightly awed as he stared at the large fireplace and grand piano. Masen Hall being the oldest dorm on campus had in my opinion the best common areas. It was decorated to fit the architecture of the building, with wingback chairs and beautiful lush couches and mahogany end tables that looked as if they would fit into any European chalet. Sadly this common area and the courtyard just outside the French doors were they only places that were fit the architecture and feel for the era of when the structure was built. Every other room was just like any college dorm.

"I love this room." I said quietly. Edward jumped slightly unaware that I had entered.

"It's great, and certainly doesn't feel as if we're in a college dorm." He said as he ran his hand over the shining black of the piano. "Do people here play often?"

Edward looked like he felt the need for comfort today as well wearing dark wash jeans and tennis shoes. He had a simple white tee shirt that showed enough of his form to know he took care of his body, and a Meyer University zip up hoodie.

I frowned slightly "Sadly no, music majors tend to practice in the music building because of the sound proof rooms. The only time that I have heard anyone play that piano was last semester during a reception held for wealthy alumni. They sometimes use this room and the courtyard for such events."

He let his gaze fall over the keys a moment longer before looking at me. "Well we should start working." He walked over to another table and picked up a pizza box. "I hope you don't mind I was starving and wasn't sure if you had eaten yet so I brought us lunch."

I smiled at the adorable boyish grin that appeared on his face. "Cullen, if you tell me that is extra cheese in that box, you may have to find something else for your lunch because I could quite possibly eat the whole thing."

He laughed. "It is extra cheese, I wasn't sure what you would like so I thought it was safest, but you have to share. Consider it exchange for my helping you."

Huh, he offers to help me with my biology, buys me lunch, and all I have to do is allow him to eat some of the pizza he paid for, yep I'll take that deal. I shrugged "Okay, sounds like a deal to me. Come on." I turned and headed for the stairs with Edward following.

When we got to my room I noticed that Edward was oddly quiet. I turned to ask if everything was alright and saw he looked somewhat surprised. I quickly glanced around the room to see if something was wrong. Laurens bed, directly across from the door pressed against the wall was made with her disgustingly bright pink comforter and fuzzy throw pillows. Her desk that sat in front of the window was bare except for the smattering of pictures she had placed there. Our dressers that were side by side were bare as well with the television sitting on top of one and my I-home next to it. My side of the room was fairy clean my bed which was also pressed against the wall mirroring Lauren's was made with the pale blue and chocolate brown comforter. My desk was a bit of a mess with papers, books and my laptop strewn across it. But I could not see any reason for Edward to look so surprised.

"Edward?" At the sound of his name he looked at me. I gave him a questioning look and he chuckled.

"Sorry, I was just wondering how it is fair that you get such a large room. I swear mine is the size of a closet."

I rolled my eyes and went to take the pizza out of his hands "Hey now don't forget our deal you have to share that." He said.

"No worries Cullen." I moved my laptop of the desk placing it on my bed and grabbed some paper plates and napkins from the shelf above the mini fridge. "You can sit anywhere. Thankfully my evil roommate is gone for the day; this means you're safe from attack."

"Oh yes, I had forgotten about her." He walked over and pulled my light blue bean bag chair from the corner and fell into it while I put two slices of pizza each on plates and handed him one. He seemed to be inspecting the pictures and posters I had attached to my walls. Talk about displaying my erratic tastes. There were pictures of friends mixed in with vintage James Dean posters a Seahawks pennant a poster displaying my favorite Shakespeare quote, and my last volleyball team photo.

"What would you like to drink? I have soda, pomegranate juice, iced tea, and water." He refocused on me before answering.

"Water is fine. You know I like the choice of posters, very diverse." Again he grinned and I couldn't help but return a smile of my own.

"Yeah my mind can be a little all over the place some times. Literature major," I nodded toward the Shakespeare poster. "My dad and I bonded over football hence the pennant and I love old movies _Rebel Without a Cause_ is one of my favorites." At this I nodded to the James Dean poster.

He nodded in understanding "I enjoy old movies as well _Casablanca_ is one of my favorites but since you are a Dean fan and a lit major I assume you have read _East of Eden_."

"Read and watched, and enjoyed both" I laughed and sat down on my bed after getting drinks for both of us. We sat in comfortable silence for a short time the only sound in the room was the classical music that continued to play from my I-home.

Edward finally broke the silence. "You know in the short time I've been here you've managed to surprise me many times." I looked at him slightly confused "I mean you have complex taste Bella, from your taste in movies and sports to your taste in music."

"Oh, I enjoy all music, alternative, rock, and country, just about everything. Classical is something that I listen to when I study or just want to unwind. If you don't like it you are more than welcome to change playlists, I don't mind."

"No I enjoy most music as well. This doesn't bother me at all. Besides you said you listen to classical when you study which is what we are meant to be doing." He stood up and put his plate on top of the pizza box. I raised my eyebrows at him in question. "I'll most likely eat more later. Do you have your book and notes?"

I set my plate aside as well and reached for my bag pulling out my biology book and notebook. I really hoped that Edward was good with science because I was completely lost when it can to blood types and DNA, all of it really. This was a subject that had never really interested me enough to do more than just enough to get by.

Edward came over and sat next to me on the bed to look over my notes while I found the correct chapter for the lab we would be doing on Monday. "Well I can say one thing you don't have a problem with the subject because you take poor notes, Swan. You have everything here you need to maintain a good grasp of the topic." He looked over at me and gave me an encouraging smile before asking. "So tell me where you get stumped so I know what to focus on."

I laughed lightly at that, which caused Edward to look at me curiously. How could I explain to him everything about genetics confused the hell out of me? I think it has more to do with the fact that I can't pronounce half the words used when discussing the topic than the actual idea of how genetic testing or DNA testing works. "I don't really understand any of it, but Monday's lab is on DNA testing, that's different from genome sequencing right?"

"Right, DNA testing is mainly used for determining parentage or in criminal investigations genome sequencing is more for predictive medicine." He answered. Okay I got that now if he could help me understand how it's done I'll owe him forever.

We spent the next hour and a half with Edward explaining how DNA testing works and what I should look for in my lab on Monday. He also went over how the process was developed and the new developments since. By the time Edward was done I felt much better about my lab on Monday. I would never fully understand what I was doing but at least I would not be completely lost. He was completely patient with me repeating anything that I didn't understand. He would find ways to put things in laymen's terms for me and I was so thankful for that. There were many times I would laugh at myself after he explained something, how is it he can make it so much simpler just by rewording something when a person who is paid to teach can't get me to understand.

"Thank you so much. You know sometimes I think the professors forget we don't already know this and because it comes so easy to them they expect it to be the same for us."

"You may be right Bella. It's as if some professors are so used to going over the same lectures over and over they are on autopilot." He stood up from the bed where we had been sitting and picked up another piece of pizza. "I hadn't expected to finish so quickly did you want to go over anything to prepare for after you finish this lab?"

I shut my book with more force than necessary and looked up at him. "Have you lost your mind Cullen? My brain can only handle so much it's officially fried." I watched as he bit into his pizza. "You better have left me another slice!"

He laughed at me and opened the box "Nope all gone, sorry I guess I was hungrier than I thought." I picked up a small stuff panda off my bed and threw it at him.

"You had better be joking if you know what's good for you." He laughed at me and gave me a look as if saying you don't scare me. "You've seen how Emmett is about food, well I can be just as bad."

"Okay Okay calm down." He put a slice of pizza on my plate and handed it to me. "I was just kidding."

I smiled at him and took a bite of my pizza. "So tell me about yourself Edward." I asked as he sat next to me. He leaned back against the wall crossing his legs at the ankle as if we were sitting on a very wide couch.

"What would you like to know?" I thought for a minute. Yes we had talked the other night but a few hours talking at a party with music and alcohol isn't the best place to learn about someone. He could honestly tell me anything and I wouldn't mind. After having him help me with biology and chatting some beforehand I know Edward is a pretty good guy and we could easily be friends.

"Anything really. Whatever you would like to share." I didn't feel comfortable asking specific questions for fear that I would veer into territory that could be too personal. Yes I felt we could be friends but I didn't want to share certain things with him and I'm sure he has his own secrets to keep.

"Well I'm from California originally, but about three years ago my family moved to Seattle. My dad, Carlisle is a doctor. He was a surgeon as well as the primary emergency physician at the hospital where he worked." I noticed Edward was speaking in past tense and I couldn't understand why.

"My dad is an amazing man and very good at what he does. On top of his work at the hospital he was being asked by colleagues to get lecture at medical schools and teaching hospitals and found himself spending less and less time at home. After a while he decided that he wanted to slow down. I was sixteen at the time and he told my mother, Esme that he didn't like the fact he was so busy so often when there were only a few years left before I began college. He decided to resign from his position in California and move to Seattle well actually just outside the city. My mom likes the smaller towns, it's easier for her to focus that way." Again my confusion must have shown on my face because he paused then added.

"She's a painter, well now she is my mother is very artistic and used to work in interior design but gave it up when we moved. Anyway, Dad decided to open his own practice in Seattle but does work a few shifts a week in the ER at Seattle General. They both love the location and dad was really serious about having more time for me." He stopped and smiled but I could see a little regret in his expression. I wondered if he felt guilty that his parents changed their careers and lives just to have some extra time with him and then he had waited to go to college.

"Your parents sound like wonderful people." I said. "I bet you miss sunny California though. You probably missed living in L.A. having to leave all those Hollywood starlets behind" I teased

He rolled his eyes. "You'd be surprised how much more I like living here, but again we didn't live in the city there either we lived closer to the Manhattan Beach area." He paused and looked at me before glancing over my shoulder to my posters. "You would probably love the area."

"And why Cullen do you think I would like that area?"

"It's just an artistic area, a lot of times you can see plays preformed in the parks at night it was nice if you know someone who can appreciate it." He was right with that statement I think I would enjoy something like that.

"So not to sound rude or anything but a surgeon for a father an interior designer for a mother, why are you here at such a small school when you could probably afford to go just about anywhere." Edward shot me an annoyed look and I instantly felt completely out of line. "Oh god forget I said that! It was completely rude and presumptuous."

"No Bella, it is fine. I can understand why a lot of people would think that. However, even living in California amongst spoiled rich kids I never was spoiled. Partly because of the way my parents wanted to raise me and partly because I wanted to do things for myself." He looked thoughtful for a moment before he continued.

"Actually I take that back I was a spoiled child until I was about fourteen. It was then I realized how much my father worked and how much he provided us as a family and from that point on I knew I wanted to be like him in that respect. I wanted to earn the things I had and know that I made my way the same as Carlisle had."

I was amazed at the respect his tone of voice held for his father. His love for his parents was outstanding and that was something I could relate to. "I understand how you can feel that way. My parents have always worked hard for everything we have and given me anything I could ever want."

"You couldn't have wanted much Swan, you don't seem like a spoiled child to me." He gave me a cheeky grin.

"Oh no I'm definitely not spoiled; I'm too independent for that. My mom is an elementary school teacher and my dad is the police chief in our town. We never had a ton of money but it was always more than enough. I always admired my parents for working so hard for what we had."

It was quiet for a moment then suddenly Edward started laughing. I looked at him as if he had lost his mind "What in the world is wrong with you Edward?"

He took a second to stop laughing before answering. "Nothing I just got this picture in my head of all the poor guys you dated having to pick you up and the police chief answering the door."

I smacked him on the arm. "That is so not funny, I'm just glad I didn't have any older brothers to add to the intimidation factor." Then as I thought about it I began to laugh as well. "Actually what makes it so funny is most of my friends were guys, I only have two really close girl friends at home so Charlie thought I could handle myself and never would have really done the whole intimidation thing. Most guys would just get so freaked out at the idea of him having a gun that they actually let their imagination do the intimidating."

"So your dad was a big softy when it came to you dating?" he eyed me suspiciously.

"No he was protective." I said then whispered almost to myself "With good reason." I reached behind me a pulled a picture of Quil, Embry, Jake and I off the wall. "These are three of my oldest friends, Charlie was used to them being around and being my big brothers, there also just came a time when he had to realize I was going to grow up, and along with that I was going to mess up, and he let me, but he is always there to help pick up the pieces." I purposely avoided pointing out which guy is which in the photo. Jacob could sometimes be too easy to talk about when it came to his part in my life and I just didn't think I could handle that right now.

"What about you, I know guys have it easier than girls but moms are sometimes hard to impress, especially since your Esme's only baby." Edward laughed at my question.

"Yeah, to my mom I'll always be her baby, but she truly follows the idea of whatever makes me happy."

We continued talking about our parents and likes and dislikes for quite some time. I avoided any further discussion of my past relationships and skirted the topic of childhood friends by talking mainly about Lynn and Danielle.

Edward told me that he was actually a bit of a nerd as a kid. He said he read a lot as a kid and that he was in mostly advanced placement classes in high school. Esme had put him music classes at a young age where he learned to love to sing as well as play the piano. When he told me that I teased him for ten minutes telling him that he had to sing and or play for me or I would get Emmett to make him sing in front of everyone in the café one morning. We settled on a maybe as his answer. He said he doesn't really miss California or even the Seattle area all that much. He said he didn't have friends in California "nerd remember?"

"What about Seattle? Were things different for you there?" I couldn't believe that someone with his confidence and looks wouldn't find some degree of popularity.

"Oh, things were a lot different there. I was popular but I still had very few friends that I was extremely close to." He continued to tell me how he started to run track and found a good friendship in a guy name Grant who was probably the only person he truly cared to keep in contact with from high school. Although he said there are some other people he talks to from time to time because they are family friends.

The conversation eventually turned to my sorority and his (soon to be) fraternity. I told him stories about the girls and how different we all are but still somehow manage to tolerate each other. I explained how we really do bring out the best in each other and take care of each other. He laughed at Alice's obsession with shopping and couldn't believe me when I told him that Rose could fix a car faster and better than most guys I know. I didn't mention that that most was now more like an all guys I know without Jacob to give her competition.

I shared a story about Emmett's Halloween costume last year. We had all decided to dress up as super heroes and Em chose to be the incredible hulk. It would have been a good idea until he dyed his skin green with food coloring. Again not a majorly bad thing unless you are Emmett and get drunk and pass out in your bed while you are still green and turn all of your sheets and mattress green.

Edward and I were laughing so hard I didn't hear the knock on the door or Alice letting herself in. She looked unsure if she should start laughing with us or be confused as to what was so funny. So in true Alice fashion she did the only thing I would expect.

She started bouncing on her toes clapping her hands saying "What's so funny, I wanna know I wanna know I wanna know" Edward and I laughed even harder at her actions.

Finally I calmed down "Okay Ali, it's nothing major though, I just told him about our own personal incredible hulk." Her eyes went wide and she started laughing and I knew she had the picture in her head.

"Oh it was so funny the next morning, Emmett hungover and pouting about having to buy new sheets, and probably a new mattress." Again we started laughing

"Alright Ali what's up? Or did we just sound like we were having too much fun and you felt left out?" I asked after we stopped laughing.

"Well I did feel a little left out but really I just wanted to see if everything was alright." I knew she was just checking on me, still worrying that if I spent too much time alone I would break down. "You weren't at study hours and I called your cell to see what you were doing for dinner and you didn't answer."

Dinner? I looked at the clock and gasped "Good lord, it's six o'clock." I looked at Edward "We have been sitting here for four hours talking like two old biddies." I looked back to Alice. "Sorry Ali my phone must be on silent. What did you want to do about dinner?"

"Well I didn't want to interrupt, so it's no big deal." She was looking between Edward and I like she was trying to figure out a difficult math problem "I just wanted to make sure you were eating something tonight."

Leave it to Alice first she checks up on me like I'm a little kid. Then she makes sure I'm feeding myself properly. She should just shout out that I have been dealing with minor depression and sometimes lose my appetite because of it.

"No Alice you aren't interrupting anything, we had pizza so I'm not hungry for a major meal how about we order subs from the Sub Station across the street and go pick them up." Edward had gotten quiet. "Edward are you in for subs with us."

He looked between Alice and me and smiled. "Dinner with two lovely ladies, as long as you are sure you haven't tired of me yet, I don't see how I could turn down that offer."

Alice giggled "Oh you're smooth Cullen. I'll order, Bells the usual?" Alice and I ordered from the Sub Station all the time and I always got the same thing Large Italian with no olives. I nodded and she turned to Edward to ask what he wanted. Edward gave her his order and then got up to put his shoes and jacket on offering to walk over and pick up our order.

Once he left the room Alice took the opportunity to ask all the questions and make all the assumptions I knew she would. I placated her by telling her about my day and allowed her to jump to her own conclusions about Edward's intentions toward me. I was happy it had been another good day keeping busy had allowed me some relief from the pain and grief that was never fully gone.


	8. Anger

Chapter 8: Anger

Edward had run into Jasper walking back from picking up our subs and sent me a text message asking if it was alright for him to come back and hang out with us. Jazz is a good friend and Alice would have killed me if I deprived her of an opportunity to spend time with him so the four of us spent the rest of the night lounging around my room. We ate and talked and even played an amusing game of I've never. Usually I've never gets interesting because as people get drunk they become more open but we were completely sober and somehow we still ended up telling a lot about ourselves.

I couldn't believe it when Alice actually admitted she had never had sex and Jasper admitted he had never watched porn. Alice tried to embarrass me by saying I've never been naked in a public place, well since the rules of the game state that if you have done that particular thing you have to admit it, I sat up straight and admitted that that I have. Edward also said that he had been naked in a public place. I don't know which of us was more surprised. We agreed to explain the circumstances, for me I had gone skinny dipping with my group of friends at first beach. Edward said that his high school track team had a tradition that all new members of the team had to run a lap around the track naked at midnight the night before their first meet.

The game of I've never lead to us telling random facts about ourselves. Things like I'm afraid of clowns and one of the craziest things I've ever done is cliff diving in La push. Jasper didn't have his first kiss until he was seventeen and he used to take part in civil war reenactments in high school. We teased Jasper asking if he likes to dress up in confederate army uniform and role play. Alice told us that she thinks she has a sixth sense because she gets feeling when something is going to happen and she used to tell people that she was a psychic. I obviously already knew this about her since she has her feeling about her and Jazz. Edward admitted that when he was a kid he dressed up as a firefighter and set a patio chair on fire so he could come to the rescue and put out the fire.

Around midnight the guys decided to leave and Alice and I walked them out. I hugged Jasper good bye before stepping over to Edward to say goodnight. I hugged him as well and thanked him for the help and the company today. He told me that it was his pleasure and randomly added that he forgot to mention that he liked my hair better brunette than blond. It was such a random comment and caught me so off guard I couldn't help but burst out laughing barely allowing myself to thank him for the odd compliment.

Sunday morning I woke up and made another pot of coffee relaxing around my room doing some more class work. Around one o'clock I decided to take some time and go to the rec center and spend a little time on the treadmill. There weren't a lot of people who work out on Sundays and I prefer it that way. Threw on a hoodie with my yoga pants and grabbed my ipod and went to enjoy a nice long workout.

As I listened to the music playing in my ears while I steadily picked up the pace of my run, my mind began to wander back.

_I had just finished volleyball practice, throwing my gym bag over my shoulder I walked out of the doors to see James' mustang sitting in the parking lot waiting for me as usual. _

_I smile as I opened the door "Hi lovely, I missed you today." He said to me as before leaning over to kiss me hello. _

_"Hi baby, so what's on the agenda for the night?" it was a Friday and James always planned dates for us on the weekends. _

_"I was thinking dinner and a movie, we've been saying we want to watch that new comedy that came out last week."_

_"Sounds good but I'll need to change first." I showered after practice but only threw on my warm up sweats. _

_"That's fine but don't take too long, you don't need to do anything special." He stated._

_"I'll be quick and then we can go, Renee had parent teacher meetings today and Charlie is working so I'll leave them a note." James glanced over at me when I said this with a mischievous smirk._

_I knew that look, he had been giving it to me a lot lately. A week and a half ago James told me he loved me. I loved him as well but ever since then he had been trying to take our relationship further physically. "Oh don't you even think about it. Just because the house is empty doesn't mean you're getting lucky." _

_He grinned at me but his eyes hardened. We had made love the night he we had declared our feelings to one another. But I wouldn't allow our relationship to become based on sex. We got to my house and went inside. James waited for me in the living room while I changed. I kept it simple a pair of low rise jeans baby blue camisole and tan jacket. While I was standing at the kitchen counter writing a note to my parents I felt his arms wrap around my waist and his lips on my neck. _

_I leaned into his embrace as he kissed his way up to my ear sucking on it gently. One of his hands stayed around my waist while the other made its way up to cup my breast. I whimpered at his touch, and could feel his breathing get a little heavier. I loved his touch but I was surprised when I felt his other hand begin to slide down to the button of my jeans. It took a few seconds for me to realize that he had released the button and was starting on the zipper before I stopped him. _

_"Bella" he sighed exasperated, gripping my hips pushing me roughly against the counter and pressing himself against my back. "Can't you feel what you are doing to me? Can't you feel how much I love you? Why can't you be with me?" _

_"James, we've talked about this. I want to be with you I just don't want that to be the only thing we do when we're together." He gripped my hands harder before finally releasing me._

_"I don't believe you! You have no problem wearing things like that." He said motioning to my camisole. "Allowing anyone to look at you, and yet me the person you say you are in love with you push away." _

_I couldn't believe he would say something like that to me. He had always loved how I dress and told me how beautiful I was without trying. "Do you know how many guys like to look at what's you when we go out. They have no right to look at you when you are mine!" he continued angrily his right hand forming a fist. _

The timer on the machine went off notifying me I had been running for twenty minutes, and removing me from my awful memory. That was the first time James had shown his temper, his controlling and possessive side. If I hadn't been so naïve maybe I could have stopped things before they got worse.

After I stepped off the treadmill I decided to spend a little time on the stair machine. I didn't want to do too much today knowing Angela and I would come to get a workout in tomorrow. I tried very hard to shut out my memories of how James had really been but as always once that door was open it was difficult to lock up again.

_It had been almost three weeks since that night in my kitchen. James had felt terrible for the things he said to me that night and was being even more gentle and caring with me than ever before. He had stopped trying to take things further physically and seemed completely happy to just be with me anyway he could. We had even been spending more time with my friends than normal. Last week he had decided that he loved his grandparents but now that he was nineteen he wanted to live on his own so he had rented an apartment town. _

_Tonight I was sitting on the counter watching him chop vegetables to steam when James turned around and stepped between my legs to give me a sweet kiss. "I really hope you aren't upset that I wanted to stay in tonight. I know your friends were planning a bonfire and that you usually join them."_

_I kissed him back before answering. "No I don't mind, but I did promise that I would join them tomorrow. We're going to the mall" _

_"That's fine." He said shortly but didn't seem to have a problem with my plans._

_We shared a nice dinner then settled onto his couch to watch a movie. When the movie ended I realized it was getting late. I stretched and stood up to leave. "So when are you meeting up with the girls tomorrow?" James asked while hugging me to him._

_"Dani and Lynn are picking me up and then we're meeting the guys around two."_

_James tightened his hold on me then said "Oh I see." He released me from his embrace and turned away from me. _

_I reached out and placed my hand on his shoulder "Baby, what's wrong with you? I told you I was going out with everyone tomorrow."_

_"Shopping!" he barked. "I guess I understand now why you didn't want me to come along your precious boys will be there." _

_I sighed in frustration and he turned to look at me. I saw the look in his eyes, a mixture of hurt and anger but I wasn't going to feel guilty. He had to get over his jealousy. I told him that there was no reason for him to be mad. That I loved him and only him but this time my words weren't enough. He grabbed my shoulders pulling me to him kissing me hard. His hands dug into my arms painfully. I cringed and pushed him away. That action only made him angrier. We yelled and screamed at each other, until I saw no point in fighting with him anymore, not until he calmed down. _

I walked over to my bag after getting of the stair machine and sat down on a bench pulling out my towel and athletic tape. After I wiped some of the sweat from my neck I pulled off my hoodie leaving me in a tank top and yoga pants. After thinking about that night, the first night I had left James and woke up bruised, I was angry. I was angry at him for hurting me, and even more angry at myself for allowing it to happen.

After that night James seemed to have multiple personalities. We would go for days sometimes weeks without a fight. I didn't see it then but I was subconsciously doing things to keep him happy and calm. My time with my friends became nonexistent; I would let him plan our time together saying that I was happy just getting to be with him, even if I wanted to do something else. When something set of James' temper he would immediately take it out on me.

I knew there was only one way for me to calm myself down at this point and I began to wrap my hands in my athletic tape. After my relationship ended I kept the true events to myself. Everyone knew about the abuse but the only person I talked to in detail was Jake. Because of the constant fighting I did with James my temper had become very short. Jacob had the idea of buying me a punching bag and hung it in his garage for me to use whenever my temper became too much for me to handle.

The bruises he would leave from grabbing me too hard or sometimes pushing me against the wall were always easily coverable. I would tell myself I made it worse because I would fight back. I thought that my stubbornness and independence made things worse. When James would blame me for something or accuse me of something I would argue that he was being thick. He would get mad and tell me that our fights were my fault, he would become degrading and hurtful, and slowly he was breaking me both mentally and physically.

I stood in front of the heavy bag thinking of all the things I had been through because of someone I loved. I pulled back my fist and punched. It felt good to release some tension. I thought about the way I felt so small and worthless because of him. I threw another right hook. Soon I was taking all my anger out on the heavy bag hitting with everything I have. I had worked up even more of a sweat and could feel the moisture in my eyes as I fought back tears. I realized that the usual small sway of the heavy bag wasn't there. I stopped and saw Edward holding the bag for me.

"Remind me to never get on your bad side." He smiled. "That is a hell of a right hook you have."

I gave him a small tight smile. "Hi Edward, thanks but you didn't have to hold the bag for me. I'm not strong enough for it to make much of a difference." I started unwrapping the tape from my hands. "What are you doing here anyway?"

"I don't know about not strong enough I had to put a lot of weight behind that bag for a while, it was like you were off in another world." He sat next to me on the bench while I grabbed my towel again. "I just came down to meet Emmett, we're going to lift."

"Hmm, lifting weights with Em can be dangerous." I teased.

"Yes it can." He agreed "So where did you go, when you were hitting the bag? Like I said it was like you were in a different world."

I hesitated not wanting to lie but not able to tell him the truth. To give myself some time I pulled my hoodie out of my gym bag and put it back on. "No where really, just lost in thought I guess." It wasn't really a lie.

We sat there for a few minutes while I stretched out my arms and legs not wanting my muscles to be sore later. The comfortable silence between us was nice but was quickly broken by Emmett's loud mouth.

"Hey little sis, you going to pump some iron with the guys today?" Emmett grinned and flexed.

Edward and I laughed at his antics. I shook my head and rolled my eyes at my goof of a friend. Once I finished stretching Edward held out a hand to me to help me stand. "Not today Em, I just finished a workout, I'm going to head back to the dorm shower, eat and relax before the chapter meeting tonight."

"Aw that's no fun." Emmett pouted

I grabbed my bag before responding "I know Em and I would love to stay and see you put Cullen through the paces but, I just needed an easy workout for stress relief today." I gave him a meaningful look. Emmett knew about my relationship with James, and everything I had been through in recent months. He glanced at the heavy bag and I knew he knew where my mind had been.

He nodded and pulled me into a hug "I'll call you later." I rolled my eyes. Emmett is great but he worries about me too much.

"It's all good big brother, but if you insist I'm sure we can find something trivial to discuss." Yes Emmett would call to check on me later, but I knew when he grinned at my comment he wouldn't worry about me too much. He could tell I dealt with the best way I knew how and he was proud of me for it.

Edward watched our exchange closely. He was getting close to Emmett and Jasper. Almost all the brothers knew something had happened last semester and again the beginning of this semester, but Em and Jazz knew all of it. I would have to tell Edward eventually. I said goodbye to the guys and walked back to the dorm. I wanted to get to know Edward even after just a short time we were becoming friends. Even though I was careful about letting people get close to me I made sure I was honest with everyone who I cared about. The question now is how I explain to him without him pitying me and more so without him thinking less of me.

* * *

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	9. Telling all

**Disclaimer: **I own nothing that is from Twilight

**AN: **This chapter is a bit emotional, it's the whole story about Jake and James and was really difficult for me to write. It's not too graphic but it does touch on the realities of abuse. I just wanted to give everyone a bit of a warning.

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Chapter 9: Telling all

The week passed quickly. Monday's biology lab was actually easier than I thought it would be. I was actually able to understand what we were doing thanks to Edward helping me. I made some progress on my paper for classical lit, and would most likely be able to have it written and turned in early. Professor Reeds always gave us an opportunity to turn in papers early, if we did and she read them and found anything needed work she would return them to us as long as we still handed them back on time.

My other classes were easy. In creative writing we finally started our latest short story. We were still watching _JFK_ in political film and other than that I was just trying to keep paying attention during lectures.

Edward came over a few times this week to help me with biology. I really enjoyed our study sessions, which almost always ended up with us just hanging out after about an hour of studying. We talked more about music, movies, and books. I told him more about the sorority and how the girls were trying to convince me to run for a leadership position next year. Edward thought that it was a great idea but I still hadn't made up my mind.

I asked him what made him want to pledge. I had found it surprising that he had chosen to join the greek system because he had a lot on his plate with the track team and classes. He told me that Jasper lived across the hall from him and was one of the first guys he met when he moved into the dorm. Apparently they got along really well, and he was soon introduced to Emmett and Garrett, who is the fraternity president. Once he started spending time with the guys he realized there was more to fraternity than just parties and he saw true brotherhood with the pi kapps.

Jessica and Angela had gotten to know Edward because they would sometimes join us after we finished studying. They all got on really well joking and laughing like we were all long lost friends. My sisters loved him as well, it was not uncommon for his brothers and my sisters to meet up for lunch or breakfast most days and Edward fit into our group like he had always been there. Lauren was… entertaining, I think that would be the right word to use.

Monday evening Edward had come over and we were sitting on my bed talking about how my bio lab went when she came home from class. I saw the look in her eyes as she appraised Edward. He was wearing jeans and a forest green button up shirt, making his eyes look darker. I had to bite my lip to hold in my laughter as I saw her expression change from annoyed, thinking I was the only one in the room, to flirty as she looked over Edward. I introduced them and watched her saunter over to shake his hand and it became even harder not to laugh as Edward seemed to squirm under her gaze.

Danielle and Lynn called me on Thursday night to let me know that they had time this weekend to visit and would get here Saturday afternoon. I was thrilled to get to hang out with my girls. Alice was excited because their arrival meant a shopping trip to get a dress for the formal.

It is now Friday afternoon, and I just finished with my class. I decided to go over to the library for a few hours. Some of the sisters were going to a party at the Theta house. I had been asked many times if I was going but I still hadn't decided. I could use a good party and beer and some jello shots beforehand wouldn't be such a bad thing either. Oh well there are a lot of hours for me to decide my plans for tonight. I pulled out my books and got to work.

After a few hours at the library, which this time counted for study hours, I headed back to the dorm. I walked into my room and threw my bag down next to my desk. I changed out of my jeans opting for a pair of yoga pants and sweatshirt with my sorority letters on it. I laid down on my bed glancing at my picture of Jacob before flipping on the television. I'm not one to watch a lot of TV but I wasn't in the mood to read right now.

"Knock knock" I looked up to see Alice standing in my doorway.

"Hey Ali, come in and sit down." I sat up on the bed crossing my legs under me.

Alice walked in and flopped down into my beanbag chair. "You look comfy." She grinned motioning to my outfit. I laughed; Alice hated the fact that no matter what the day's events were I had a tendency to use any down time to be completely comfortable, which meant not wearing cute clothes.

"You seem to be doing really well lately Bella." She continued. "It's good to see you happier, I'll have to thank Edward for that next time I see him."

My eyes widened at that statement. "Thank Edward?"

"Yes thank Edward. You're happy when he is around, and as much as he has been around you haven't had time to go all depressed on us. He's good for you Bella."

"Ali, Edward is just a friend." She rolled her eyes. "Seriously Al. He's great and yes he makes me happy but we're just friends nothing more. When I'm around him things are easy. We can joke and laugh or even just sit and say nothing, it's natural." I trailed off. I wasn't sure how to explain what I felt around Edward. We had never really discussed relationships so I still wasn't sure if he had a girlfriend. Sometimes I thought he did. He would get text messages or phone calls all the time and never mentioned who it was. He told me last week he had to make another trip to Chandler soon, but didn't say much about his friend there and I wondered if it was a girl.

More than anything I wasn't sure how I felt about Edward. I mean I know there is a part of me that likes him as more than a friend, but I wasn't sure I wanted to let him get that close. If he was available and liked me that way I wasn't sure if I could let him get that close. Then there was another question in my mind. "I just don't know what to say about Edward. We have a lot of fun together and the way it feels so natural reminds me of how Jacob and I were."

"Bella that doesn't have to be a bad thing. Jacob was your best friend and finding that connection with someone else isn't a bad thing." Alice said firmly.

I shook my head at her. "I'm not saying it's a bad thing. I'm saying that yes I kind of like him but what if it's just that he feels safe and not that I really want to pursue something with him?" I sighed "I know you will hate me for saying this but it's almost like he is a mixture of both of them Ali, the friendship I had with Jake but also he is so sweet and polite and caring like how James was when I first met him." She looked at me like I had lost my mind so I quickly added. "Not the bad things, no not at all! I'm talking about the gentlemanly side."

"You'll figure it out Bella, maybe you just need to get to know him better." She said standing up. "I also think you need to let him know you better." He gave me a hug before leaving the room and announcing that she was skipping the party tonight.

Alice skipping the party pretty much made up my mind about not going. Rose had a date, Kate had called earlier saying that she was not feeling well and would be staying in for the night if any sisters decided to go out and needed a ride home she would be available. While there would be a lot of other sisters there it just isn't something I was looking forward to anymore.

An hour or so after Alice left I decided to walk over to the campus coffee shop. They make the best chi tea and I was craving a very large cup. The weather was a little nicer this week and it wasn't as cold out tonight as normal. It was a clear night and the stars were just starting to appear in the sky. I loved sitting out and watching the stars or sometimes when a storm was coming and the lighting would start before it began to rain.

I sat on the steps outside of Masen hall sipping my warm drink and enjoying the quiet campus.

_Jacob and I we're sitting on our driftwood log at First Beach. It was a clear night and graduation was coming up soon. I had broken up with James over six months ago and I was finally getting back to normal. I had thought it would be harder to move on but it wasn't. I was dealing with some self esteem issues and temper issues, but that was all. Some people have problems with people touching them after going through what I had but not me. _

_"Can you believe we're almost done with high school B?" Jake asked laying his head in my lap. _

_I ran my hands through his dark hair. "No I can't. Even more so I can't believe you actually decided to do college and not just keep working in the garage."_

_He chuckled "Oh I'm gonna keep working in the garage, college is so I can learn the business aspect of it. Then I'll open my own garage and focus on restoring classic cars." I laughed and shook my head. _

_"Sure sure, and who do we know around here that owns classic cars?" _

_Jake grinned at me. "I won't have to worry about it. See by the time I have enough money to open my own place you will already be a famous writer, and all those eccentric rich people you will know will have cars or friends with cars for me to restore."_

_"Ok Jake I'll let you meet and extort all my rich friends on one condition." He looked at me curiously. "If you ever have a client who wants to restore and or sell a Porsche 550 Spyder I want it and you have to find a way for me to get it."_

_"Sure sure Bells no problem." _

I laughed to myself. Anyone else would have thought I just had a strange obsession with old cars but Jacob understood why I said that particular car. He had laughed at me asking if I wanted him to make sure little bastard was written across the back. Shaking my head I glanced back up at the stars. "I miss you Jake." I said quietly.

"Talking to yourself Bella?" My head snapped to the left at the sound of Edward's voice.

"Hey Cullen. Yeah I guess I am."

He came over and sat on the steps beside me. "What are you doing out here?"

I took a sip of my drink before answering. "Just felt like being outside tonight, it's nice out." I looked over at him and smiled. "What are you doing out here, I didn't know you were coming over tonight."

"I wasn't." He said quickly "I just got out of a late class and was walking back to my dorm when I saw you sitting here." He looked at me appraisingly "You looked lost in thought again; I can go if you want to be alone."

"I was lost in thought, I've been doing that a lot lately. And no I don't mind the company." He smiled and leaned back putting his elbows on the step behind him.

"It really is a nice night; I can't believe how warm it has started to get so soon."

"Ah so you do miss something about California." I teased.

"I like warm weather, who doesn't?" He said "I had thought you all would be going out to the parties tonight."

I shrugged but didn't answer "What about you, are you going over to the fraternity house later?"

"No I hadn't really planned anything tonight." He paused "Are you happy you're friends are coming tomorrow?"

"Yes!" I said quickly. "I can't wait it's been too long since I've seen them and well it wasn't the best circumstances." I frowned. Edward noticed my expression change.

"If you don't mind my asking, are those circumstances what have had you so lost in thought?"

I nodded and tucked my hair behind my ear. "Yes." I sighed. I should tell him but he would have to hear the whole story to really understand. "Edward? How much has Em or Jazz told you about me."

He looked at me and gave me a small smile. "Honestly, not much. The love you like a sister and care about you. They said you are one of the most genuine people they know, and if I ever did anything to hurt you I would live to regret it."

I laughed and rolled my eyes. "Figures, leave it to those two to make me sound like a saint." He laughed as well. "Do you have some time to talk tonight there are some things I would like to tell you but it's a long story."

"Bella I can tell this is something that is hard for you and I don't expect you to tell me anything but if you want to talk to me I'll listen for however long you need me to."

I smiled at him sadly this was going to be hard and I would probably cry. Crying was something I did not do, especially in front of other people. However I had gotten to know Edward over the last week and I trust him. I took a deep breath and pulled my knees up to my chest wrapping my arms around my legs.

"This is confusing and I don't really know where to start but I guess I'll start with the easiest part to understand first." I looked at Edward and he just nodded not wanting to interrupt. "My best friend and I grew up together, his father and my father were very good friends which meant Jacob and I were always around one another. When we were little our parents and friends, well everyone pretty much, thought we hated each other." I smiled a little at this. "We would pick on each other and fight all the time, he would tease me and I would tease him. That is probably why I can be a bit sarcastic at times." Now Edward gave me a small smile, he had heard my sarcasm this past week.

"As we got older we still teased each other but we were so close. He knew me better than anyone and I knew him just as well. We were so close people often thought we were dating. When I left for college he was here almost every other weekend. A week and a half before Christmas break he had called to see if it was alright if he came to visit." I stopped and turned my head taking a breath and trying to hold in the tears I could feel in my eyes. "I really wanted to see him but we had finals coming up that week and I need to pack to go home. I told him not to bother making the trip. I told him that I would come see him first thing when I got home in a week and we would have a whole month to spend together." My voice shook as I said this.

"That was a Thursday. That Saturday I was sitting in my room studying for finals when my phone rang. It was my dad. I was surprised because my dad never really calls. Charlie usually just takes a few minutes when I'm talking to my mom to say hi and that's about all." I rested my chin on my knees continued. "He had barely said hello then I heard him take a shaky breath. I knew something was wrong Charlie is a person who doesn't show a lot of emotion and I could tell he was crying. He told me that he had just left a scene of an accident." Again I had to stop and take a breath. Edward reached over and placed his hand on my shoulder.

"Jake had been on his back from Port Angeles, apparently there was a party the night before that he went to with some friends. He had taken his motorcycle because the day before was a pretty nice day. He decided to spend the night since he had been drinking. On his way home it was raining pretty badly and he lost control of the bike." I wiped tears from my eyes with my free hand. "He wasn't wearing a helmet and… there was nothing…. He… was killed instantly" I finished and fought back my tears I had cried enough since December.

Edward still had not said anything. He moved closer to me and wrapped an arm around my shoulder. "I lost it, when Charlie told me, I wasn't crying or anything I just went numb. I hung up the phone and to this day I don't remember saying anything to him. I walked down the hall to Alice's room Ang and Jess were there. I walked in without knocking, I looked at all of them and just started sobbing. I contacted all my professors and made arrangements to take all my finals in one day, and went straight home for the funeral." I looked over at Edward and saw concern in his eyes. "I spent Christmas break doing everything I could to hold onto Jacob, I didn't want to leave anything that reminded me of him. I almost didn't come back to school."

Finally Edward spoke. "I'm glad you came back. I didn't know him but somehow I don't think Jacob would have been happy had you quit. Bella, I'm so sorry you lost someone you care about so much. I…" I stopped him.

"Remember I said that was the easy part?" I laughed bitterly. "For the last few months I've felt like life has been playing a cruel joke on me." I shook my head and smiled ruefully.

Edward looked concerned and amused at the same time. "I know this is probably the completely wrong sentiment but I'm intrigued. How you can tell me you lost your best friend and that there is more to tell and yet still laugh no matter how sarcastic that laugh is. You truly are a strong person."

Was I really going to share my past with James, could I really tell him that story? Would he believe what I told him? After losing Jacob and adding the story about James in it almost seems too much to believe. Sometimes I feel like my life in the last few years should be made into a _Lifetime _movie.

"I told you this is confusing and honestly it is not pretty." He cut me off before I could finish.

"Bella like I said you don't have to tell me anything but I'm here to listen if you want me to be."

"Okay. The very beginning of the summer after my junior year I met James. He was handsome and sweet but was also about two years older than me. We started dating and I thought it was love." I shook my head. "Well I guess it was love in some way, I'll always love James but I wasn't in love. James was my first real boyfriend, other than my first kiss he was pretty much my first everything. Everything between us was great and everyone thought we were the perfect couple. Then he started telling me what to do. I stopped spending time with Jacob and the rest of my friends. James was becoming my life. I did what he wanted when he wanted and when I would decide to act like he didn't own me he got, mean."

I looked over at Edward I knew he knew where my story was going because I could see both pain and anger in his eyes. "At first he would tell me that my friends didn't really want me around anyway and he was the only one who cared about me. The he would tell me how lucky I was that he wanted me because no one else ever would and no one else would ever love me like he did. I started to believe him. Then the words weren't enough. Sometimes I wouldn't even know what would upset him he would just flip. Not long after we got together he found his own apartment, and I was there with him one night and he was drinking, some of his friends were there and something upset him. He picked up his beer and poured it on my head in front of everyone. After that he started to hit me."

Again I looked at Edward not sure if I could tell him everything. It's embarrassing but there was nothing in his gaze that told me he thought less of me. I wasn't fighting tears this time I was angry, I was always angry when I thought about what I went through.

"He was very careful about where he would grab or hit. He always made sure the marks wouldn't show. One day he started getting careless and threw me into a wall. I went to school the next day hiding a bruise on my shoulder and lying about where it came from. The next time he hit me in the face and I knew I needed to get away. I wanted to leave that night so bad but he wouldn't let me."

This is where my story usually stopped no one else other than Jacob, Dani and Lynn knew what else there was to tell, but I couldn't stop. It was as if I had to tell someone else like I needed Edward to know everything there was to know. I knew I wouldn't be able to look at him as I said this so I looked up to the stars as I continued.

"That night he had decided he was tired of me, um not giving him what he wanted. I had not let him… I had stopped having sex with him not long after the physical abuse started. That night he raped me and even though I knew it was rape I convinced myself it wasn't because I was his girlfriend and we had already had sex, it didn't matter that I said no this time." Edwards's hands were clenched into fists but when I looked at him he relaxed and grabbed my hand again.

"Bella," He said softly. "that was not your fault! No one should have to go through that no one deserves that." He said firmly but with care and concern lacing his tone.

I nodded. I knew he was right, now, but back then I believed otherwise. "I know that. I'm fine really somehow I'm good at repressing things like that. For some reason I'm not as scarred as you would think I should be. Honestly it's James who I feel bad for." Edward looked at me sharply "He had a hard childhood, he was living with his grandparents because his parents were drug addicts and abusive. It was all he ever knew. I think I stayed as long as I did because I thought I could help him."

Edward shook his head "You really have an amazing heart Bella. You feel bad for him but I imagine anyone else would wish him pain or death." I sucked in a quick breath at his words.

"You're not the only one to tell me that, but…" I hesitated this wound was still fresh "I don't have to wish for that." Edward looked at me in confusion. "James committed suicide almost two months ago. I was sitting in my room and I got another call from home. This time it was Danielle. She told me they found his body and a note. He… well I won't tell you how he did it but he just gave up. The note talked about me." I started crying again and was trying to keep myself from sobbing. "He said that he had hurt too many people and knew he wasn't worth anyone's love. He said that I was one of the only people to love him and he ruined that." I played with the sleeve of my shirt as I talked. "He had been seeing someone else, and from what everyone says he was doing really well. He stopped drinking and was even starting school again some trade school I guess." I smiled sadly at Edward. "I went home for the funeral. I met his girlfriend, her name is Victoria. She came to me and introduced herself. She knew all about me and told me that just a few nights before he killed himself he told her he was scared. She said he was afraid he would hurt her like he did me and he was afraid to let her love him."

"Bella don't! Don't blame yourself for his choice. It is not your fault, you have to know that." Edward again wrapped his arm around me and pulled me into him.

"Don't you see though it is my fault? It's my fault that both of them are gone. If I hadn't told Jacob not to visit he wouldn't have wrecked. He would still be here. And James," I sat back and looked at him. "He called me after Jacob died, just after the funeral. Renee answered the phone she wouldn't let me talk to him. If I had talked to him I would have known something was wrong or maybe him thinking I wouldn't talk to him is what set him off I don't know but I could have helped."

Edward was shaking his head "No, you don't know if anything would have made a difference. You cannot live your life on what ifs."

"I didn't talk to my mom for weeks after he died, I blamed her and myself for not letting me talk to him. I just needed to blame someone." I laughed again and Edward pulled his arm away. He must think I've lost my mind. "I'm sorry it's just one day I feel fine like I'm me and like none of this ever happened then one day I'm a wreck. I can't help but laugh because it has just been so much all at once I think I'm just waiting for the next phone call. You know?"

"You are stronger than you know Bella." Edward said before pulling me back into his arms and hugging me to him. It wasn't long before he let me go but I understood what the gesture meant. He was here and wasn't going anywhere. At that moment I knew it didn't matter if I had feeling for him or not because he would always be a part of my life as a friend if not something more.

We were quiet for a long time just enjoying the peace of one another's company. When we finally started talking again it was light and easy conversation. I knew I had dumped a lot on him all at once but he handled it well and seemed to understand I didn't want to talk about it anymore tonight if at all. Conversation continued until we realized the sky was lighter, it was morning and we had been talking all night.


	10. Ladies daynight out

**AN: **Sorry about the delay. As I said the last chapter was difficult to write and I needed a bit of a break after writing it, add that to a 5 day migraine and it took me a while to get back to the story. I just want all of you to know that I am going to continue writing as long as there are people that enjoy the story but I would love it if more of you would review knowing what you honestly think of my story really does motivate me to write more and it helps me to know how to help the story progress, so at the risk of sounding like Edward, I'll ask "Tell me what you are thinking." :) I apologize for my grammer and spelling i have a bad habit of writing late at night and sometimes miss things when i proof read I am trying to catch as much as I can though.

HAPPY READING

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Chapter 10: Ladies day/night out

I awoke to the sounds of _Girls Just Want to Have fun_ sounding loudly from my phone. I groaned rolling over answering the phone. "Hi." I said knowing I sounded like hell.

"Girl you had better get your ass out of bed, we'll be there in a half an hour." Lynn stated.

I threw my arm over my eyes trying to block out the sunlight that was coming through the window. "Ugh, what time is it?"

"It's ten thirty so get your ass up woman!" Dani commanded "We only have today and part of tomorrow to hang out and you need to be functional for all of it."

"Sure, sure, I'm getting up. See you soon." I didn't even wait for them to reply, ending the call quickly and wishing I could just go back to sleep. I couldn't wait to see my girls but Edward and I talked until almost seven in the morning and barely three hours of sleep was not fun. I threw my phone back down and buried my face in the pillow.

Last night had been a combination of emotions. I cried when I told Edward about the pain I had been dealing with. I loved the comfort he gave just by listening to me tell my story. With everything that we talked about last night I felt our friendship grow.

He told me about doubts he had in himself. Not long after his family moved to Washington he had gone through a rebellious stage, as he put it. His dad was still working long hours and Edward felt that nothing was going to change even after all the promises that there would be more family time. Edward began dating a girl named Chelsea. She was a "Bad girl" and that is what apparently attracted him. Drinking, partying, staying out all night these were the things that they would do together. She convinced him that his parents would never understand him and who he was. As their relationship continued he distanced himself from his parents.

When I asked him what changed he told me it was a family friend that pointed out to him that Chelsea didn't know the real him so she couldn't know what his life with his family was really like. Tanya is the daughter of Eleazar and Carmen Denali. Eleazar has been a close friend to Carlisle since medical school, and the fact that his family lived in Seattle helped in the decision to move. Edward had been so focused on his anger towards his father and it was Tanya that confronted him and told him that he was being a "selfish brat". He told me that she made him see that the time Carlisle was putting in initially was only to get his practice established and that once things settled down the family time together would be easier to come by.

Edward ended his relationship with Chelsea, telling me that while I probably wouldn't like it, the only thing that he truly got out of their relationship was a love of motorcycles. I of course had mixed feelings about this. I had already told Edward that Jacob had taught me how to ride and I enjoyed it but also feared it ever since Jacob's accident.

He went on to tell me that after he apologized to his parents for his behavior, he spent a lot of time trying to figure out how to balance his life between the relationship he wanted with his family and the independence he needed. Tanya was there for him through all of this. Apparently they began dating and she was the one to convince him to start college. She is the friend that he drives to Chandler to visit with. I couldn't help the twinge of jealously I felt when he talked about Tanya. It sounded as if they were very close and while he insisted that their relationship never went further than a few dates something about his tone told me that she had been wanting or expecting something more serious.

When I asked him about why they were never more serious, he simply said that she just wasn't the type of girl he could spend his life with. He told me that even though she is very beautiful and cares for her loved ones and that she understands him because she knew how hard it was growing up with a father who worked so much she was also very spoiled and expected things to just be handed to her. He said that she was too self centered to be someone that could ever honestly have a serious relationship.

This conversation made me wonder what he did look for in a girl but I pushed those thoughts aside. I enjoyed having Edward's friendship and right now that was all I could ask for.

I had been laying in bed remembering my conversation with Edward for the last ten minutes and I knew I need to get my ass in gear or Dani and Lynn would drag me out for the day in my PJs. Reluctantly I got up and put on my robe grabbed my shower caddy and made my was to the bathroom.

While in the shower I decided it was not fair that I had to be awake and that Edward should feel my pain as well. I picked up my cell and opened sent a text to him telling him if my ass had to be awake so did he. I threw my phone back down and walked to my closet. I pulled out a pair of distressed jeans, there were small holes in one knee and the pockets were frayed I loved these jeans they were so worn out and comfortable. I also pulled on a vintage Rolling Stones tee shirt and a pair of Chucks. I had just finished getting dressed when my phone alerted me to a new text.

**Unfortunately I am awake remember I'm driving to Chandler today :( ****- E**

Actually I had forgotten all about him visiting Tanya today.

**O yea that sux. Y did she ask u to come visit again? - B**

Why I cared was beyond me. Maybe it was pure concern about the fact he would be driving on such little sleep and wondering if he could cancel or maybe it was that slight twinge of jealousy and need for him to say he didn't want to really go.

**She says she needs help hooking up a new flatscreen or sumthing. It sux and I'm sure someone else could help but whatever. - E**

I rolled my eyes, his statement aided my theory that she was after more from Edward and he was too nice to say or do anything about it. I know he felt that he owed her for helping him fix things with his family but sometimes you just have to be blunt and set things straight. Before I could respond to his text he had sent another.

**R your friends here yet? I'm going to the café for breakfast if u want to come. – E**

**They should be here soon. Maybe we'll meet u there. – B**

I closed my phone and put in my purse. I pulled my wallet out of my messenger bag making sure my ID credit cards and cash were all there before walking downstairs to wait for the girls to get here. It was a nice day still a bit cool so I made sure to throw on my letter jacket before going outside. I knew the girls would want to take their overnight bags to my room but that would have to wait. I was afraid if I stayed in my room waiting for them I would fall asleep waiting for them. We would go straight to the café to get breakfast, I was in desperate need of coffee, and if I was being completely honest I wanted to see Edward.

I was sitting in the same spot as last night when I heard Dani and Lynn yelling my name. Instantly a smile spread across my face as I hopped of the steps and ran to my girls. We squealed and hugged laughing like a bunch of kids.

"Well at least you don't look like the hell I expected after what you sounded like on the phone earlier." Dani said with her usual blunt attitude.

"Gee thanks Dani. I love you too."

Lynn swung her arm over my shoulder "So what, did you go out and party last night? Didn't even wait for us?"

"Actually I did not go out last night. I just didn't get a lot of sleep." I looked at the two of them before continuing. "Which means I need a very large cup of coffee, like now."

I hooked my arms with both of theirs and dragged them off toward the café. We walked in and I swiped my ID card for three meals. We each grabbed bowls of fresh fruit, I also went for eggs and sausage. Dani and Lynn decided on pancakes and bacon. I made my final stop at the beverage bar grabbing a large coffee. The girls and I walked around looking for an empty table, this was the time of day the café was always packed on weekends because most people had just woken up. "Hey isn't that Emmett sitting over there?" Lynn asked pointing to a table in the corner.

I looked to where she was pointing and sure enough Emmett, Jasper, Garrett, and Edward were all sitting there with plates full of food. "Yeah and now I think I know where we are sitting." I motioned for the girls to follow me. Dani and Lynn had met the guys last semester when they came to visit me, and they fit in with everyone really well. I walked up behind Emmett and before anyone could say so much as hi I reached over his shoulder and grabbed a piece of bacon off his plate.

Emmett whipped his head around preparing to yell at whoever had the audacity to steal his food. "Hey…. Oh man Bells if it was anyone but you."

I laughed. "Or what Em , you going to bite my had off?" I kissed Emmett on the cheek and walked around the table to the empty chair next to Jasper with Dani and Lynn pulling up chairs at the end of the table. "Guys you remember my girls?" There was a round of hellos before I introduced them to Edward. "Dani, Lynn, you haven't met Edward yet." I stated waving a hand in his direction. "Edward these are my best friends."

"It's nice to meet you ladies, B's told me a lot about you both." Edward addressed them but I noticed the look on their faces. He called me B, no one outside of our group from home really called me B it was Jake's nickname for me.

Lynn was the first to recover. "Uh… Um… it's nice to meet you as well." She glanced at me before asking. "So Bella said you've been helping her with biology, is that your major?"

Edward caught my eye and sent me a small smile before answering. "No but I have a meeting with my advisor next week and I've been thinking of possibly declaring in sports medicine." This caught me by surprise. With everything that we had talked about Edward had not once mentioned that he had considered declaring a major already.

"Edward, you never said anything about that." I looked at him curiously. He shrugged only saying that it was just an idea right now and he just wanted to talk to his advisor about it.

Conversation continued through breakfast. Dani and Lynn talked a lot with Jasper and Emmett catching up with anything new since the last time they were here visiting. Emmett had fun picking on Dani the two of them enjoyed seeing who could come up with the most sarcastic or embarrassing comment. Lynn is studying architecture and has a course in architectural history or something like that therefore her and Jasper were deep in conversation, with Garrett joining in occasionally. Garrett has been lucky enough to travel most of the world on family vacations.

Edward nudged my foot under the table. "So even though you didn't get much sleep did you at least sleep well, little girl" I smiled at the use of the nickname Edward started using last night. Before we said goodbye he pulled me into a hug saying _"Smile my little girl, it will get easier I promise."_

"I was sleeping well until two people called me commanding that I get out of bed." I said with a hint of annoyance in my voice.

Edward laughed and apologized for keeping me up late. I waved off his apology. I enjoyed our conversation and it isn't as if I've never run off of three hours of sleep before. "Honestly Edward it's fine I'll make it through the day, although it will be spent shopping." I rolled my eyes. I was not looking forward to looking for a dress for the formal.

"Not how you would like to spend your day I assume?" He asked

"Not really but I'll survive."

"Well if it makes you feel any better I'm not thrilled with my plans for the day either." Judging from the look on his face he truly was not looking forward to his plans. "Speaking of which I should get going." Edward stood up to leave but was stopped by Garrett before he was able to leave.

"Edward don't forget there is a party at the house tonight."

"No problem I should be back by seven anyway so I'll be there." He answered Garrett before looking at me and the girls. "Are you ladies planning on coming out tonight?"

I don't know why I hesitated. It is not as if Dani and Lynn would want to pass up a chance to party at the pi kapp house. "Yeah we'll most likely be there" I answered and Edward simply nodded before saying goodbye to everyone

Garrett, Jasper and Emmett finished their breakfast shortly after saying goodbye and that they would see us tonight. I went to get a refill on my coffee, one because I desperately needed caffeine and two because now that the guys were gone I was afraid that the girls would ask questions. There was no doubt in my mind they heard Edward's apology for keeping me up late and I was sure they would want to know what that was all about. It wasn't as if there was anything to hide but I was too tired to play twenty questions and relationship therapy right now.

I had only gone out with a few guys since James and most of them were last semester. Dani and Lynn were some of the few people that knew the full extent of how bad my relationship with James was. My sisters knew I was in an abusive relationship but that was all, I left the details out. I am not sure what it is but I just can't seem to do the dating or relationship thing. I would like to believe I wasn't really affected by James but I know that isn't true. I doubt myself and why anyone would actually want to be with me and sometimes I find myself expecting an argument even when a situation doesn't warrant one. Couple that with the fact that I had lost so much in such a short time I really am afraid to allow anyone to get too close to my heart, the more people I'm close to the more chance to lose someone else.

Dani and Lynn hate seeing me keep myself from a chance to have someone in my life so they are constantly trying to convince me to meet someone. I should have known that I would not be able to avoid their questions. As soon as I walked back to the table to see if the girls were ready to go back to my dorm Lynn started. "So what's the deal with Mr. green eyes?"

I barely contained my groan of annoyance "Nothing he is pledging and we've gotten to be friends. He is a nice guy." I looked at both of them trying to convey the fact that I really wanted to drop the subject and that there is nothing to tell.

"Yeah well he's cute and you seem to be pretty close for just meeting each other a few weeks ago." Dani stated. It wasn't a question and there was no need to answer so I ignored her. I quickly changed the subject to what kind of dress I was thinking of buying.

I called Alice after we got back to my room asking if she was still planning on joining us for our trip to the mall. It really was a stupid question shopping trip and Alice are always a given. Our trip was not as terrible as I thought it would be. After trying on about ten different dresses that the girls picked out for me I finally found one that I really liked. Most of the dresses I had been trying on were long but this one was short coming a few inches above the knee. It was a midnight blue with decorative strap that crossed from my left shoulder between my between my breast wrapping under my right breast. I fell in love the moment I tried it on. It wasn't as formal as some of the girls would be wearing but I loved the way I felt in this dress.

When I came out of the dressing room Alice was bouncing on her toes with a beaming smile. There was no need to ask her opinion. Dani and Lynn loved it as well. We found a cute pair of strappy heals and Alice insisted she had the perfect bracelet and earrings to wear with the dress.

After we finished shopping I informed the girls that if I was expected to go to the party tonight I would need to get some rest. I really wanted to spend more time with Dani and Lynn but I was fading fast and the caffeine just wasn't doing the trick anymore.

"Girls you know I love you but I really need a nap if we are going out tonight, you don't mind do you?"

"No, but if you're going to crash on us I think you should tell us why exactly you are so tired." Lynn answered.

I should have known they would ask again. "I was up late last night." I stated simply but could tell from the looks on all three of their faces that it was not a good enough answer. "I ran into Edward outside the dorm last night and we sat outside talking." I shrugged.

Alice was watching me with a smile on her face. "How long were you talking if you are so tired?"

"Um… Well I really don't know how long we sat out there because I'm not sure what time it was when we started, but the sun came up before we realized we should probably say goodbye."

Dani was the first to comment "So let me get this straight. You talked all night, like watched the sunrise?" I had to laugh at how it sounded but I nodded in response to her question. There was not much more to say about it, most of our conversation was personal, and while they already know about what I told him I didn't feel right telling them what we talked about.

I could tell they wanted to know more but I wasn't going to offer any more information and they knew it. When we got back to campus Alice and the girls decided to go visit with some of the sisters. This gave me a chance to catch up on some sleep. I only needed a few hours. The girls came back around six thirty so we could get changed and spend some time together before the party.

We arrived at the fraternity house around ten o'clock and the party was already in full swing. Fraternity parties at Meyer were always fun. The fraternity would usually charge a two dollar cover and the university is small enough that the different frats would plan parties so that there were not more than two houses partying a night. Everyone knew it was a popular way to socialize and keeping the number of different parties to a minimum allowed other organizations to enjoy not having to host the festivities, not to mention that the small cover would cover most of the beverage cost. All of this balanced out in the end.

Walking in we were immediately greeted by Jasper. "Glad you could make it ladies, you know where the bar is and I hope that you all will join me on the dance floor later."

"You know it Jazz. We'll see you down there." I hugged him before grabbing the girls hands and pulling them downstairs.

"I'm going to go grab us a some beers and jello shots why don't you go see when the beer pong table is open I'm in the mood for a game tonight." Dani said before walking over to the bar.

Lynn and I looked at each other and shrugged before making our way over to the table. Em was standing there with a couple of the brothers. They were laughing at what I am sure was a completely perverted comment knowing Emmett. "Hey big brother"

Em turned around smiling and showing off his adorable dimples that made him so much less intimidating than what his stature portrayed. "Hi there little sis…" He turned to Lynn "hey Lynn did you ladies have fun spending some money today?"

Lynn laughed "Oh you know it Em. We practically had to drag Bells out of the mall. You know how she is."

Emmett snickered at Lynn's comment knowing that I did not entirely love spending unnecessary time shopping. Before he could respond Dani joined us carrying three beers and a few jello shots "Ok girlies drink up, and do we have next game or what?"

I looked over to Emmett to see what the deal was with who was up next and he said the table was open. Lynn and Dani insisted on being a team. Emmett had offered to be my partner but was interrupted "I don't think so McCarty, she and I have a title to defend" I turned to see Edward standing behind us with a crooked grin. "So what do you say little girl, are we playing to win tonight?"

I leaned forward and placed my hand on his chest "One thing you should know Edward is that I always play to win." I don't know where that action came from. Sure I became a bit flirtatious after a few drinks but I had barely had a few sips of my beer.

Edward didn't seem to mind, he simply grabbed my hand and pulled me to an end of the table. "Well then I guess we will just have to show your girls how it's done."

After three games of beer pong I and a number of jello shots later the girls and I decided it was time to dance. We made our way to the back and I found a group of sisters that included Alice, Rose, and Kate. Alice immediately pulled us into their group. It wasn't long before Emmett joined our group dancing with Rose. He told me that he was interested in her and I wish he would just ask her out already but believe it or not he was just too shy. They have a great friendship and would most likely make a wonderful couple but I should be the last person trying to push anyone into a relationship.

After a few songs I made my way back to the bar to get another drink. Alice, Lynn and Dani were dancing with Jasper, Garrett, and Mark. "Hey Eric can you get me another drink?"

"No problem Bells" Eric one of the older brother filled up my cup and also handed someone behind me one.

"So how's my little girl hanging in there after her sleep deprivation?" I smiled as Edward leaned against the bar next to me.

I smiled and blushed. I actually blushed, I had thought I had grown out of the embarrassing blushing stage, but when Edward insisted on calling me little girl I couldn't help the heat that rose to my cheeks. I didn't answer his question at first instead I asked a question of my own. "Why do you call me little girl?"

Edward chuckled "If you haven't noticed you a lot smaller than me." I sent him a mock glare making him laugh even harder. "Okay it's just well… last night when we were talking you seemed so small and delicate." He stopped seeing the look on my face. "I don't mean that in a negative way it's just that for as strong and confident as you are you still let me hold you and comfort you last night and…"He stopped and ran his hands through his hair. "Oh hell I don't know how to explain it but there is a part of me that wants to take care of you."

I couldn't help but smile at how sincere he was being but he was also quite adorable when he got flustered. I wasn't sure if I liked being considered small and delicate but I understood what he meant. Last night when he pulled me into his arms for a hug to comfort me I did feel like a little girl needing someone to care for her.

Edward picked up his drink and took my hand "Dance with me." It wasn't a question and he didn't give me a chance to refuse before he pulled me back to where the other were still enjoying the music and dancing the night away. The night continued and before I knew it the girls and I were back at the dorm, all of us ready to fall into bed.

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REVIEW!!!


	11. Realizations

**AN:** Sorry about the delay but this is a fairly long chapter so I hope you all enjoy.

**Disclaimer: **I own nothing

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Chapter 11: Realizations

The next day I was very reluctant get out of bed. Thankfully Danielle and Lynn were just as reluctant. We spent the day lounging around my room listening to music and talking. Alice, Jessica, and Angela joined us around two in the afternoon. I was smart enough to order more than one pizza, knowing that once they walked by the smell of greasy pizza would be too hard for them to pass up.

Alice groaned as she reached for another slice of pizza. "This is exactly what I needed."

"There is really no better cure for a hangover than a good greasy meal." Lynn nodded in agreement.

"If I would have been able to drag my ass out of bed I would have suggest a good breakfast at Chuck's down the street. Eggs, bacon, and sausage from Chuck's are always the best greasy hangover food." Alice stated and I had to laugh, she really was in rare form last night.

"Yeah Ali, you certainly didn't look like you were being very patient with Jazz last night. What happened to it will happen when it happens?" I laughed more when she actually looked embarrassed.

Before Alice could retort Jessica jumped in and asked. "Wait, we weren't there remember Angela and I went to Ben's apartment last night. What happened?"

"Nothing!" Alice answered quickly only making the girls and I laugh harder.

"Oh really, Alice?" Danielle started. "Since when do you use cleavage as a distraction when playing beer pong?"

"Or the way you and Rose were dancing together?" Lynn joined in the questioning

Once I was able to speak through my laughter I added. "I actually felt bad for Em he was just an innocent bystander. It was almost sad that it happened to be him talking to Jasper when Rose decided to help you get a bit of attention from Jazz."

Angela and Jessica were getting a pretty decent picture of Alice's antics and had joined in on our amusement. Alice finally found her voice. "Ugh, you are all so evil. It isn't funny!" She put her face in her hands. "Was I really that bad?"

"Don't worry Alice I REALLY don't think he was complaining." She glared at me before rolling her eyes at my teasing.

"You know Bells" Lynn started in a tone of voice I knew all too well. "You really shouldn't be saying anything. Some of us actually have to work to get a guys attention… unlike you."

I blushed, knowing this was a conversation I couldn't escape no matter how much I wish I could.

"Yeah Bella Edward and you seemed to enjoy yourselves last night." Alice smirked at me

"What happened with Edward?" Angela asked which surprised me she was usually the quite one, never looking for gossip.

"Nothing really, we just danced." I answered with a shrug. Honestly I acted no different last night with Edward than I would with any of my other guy friends.

"Let me just add…. Damn that boy can move." Alice looked thoughtful before adding. "He can dance, he's intelligent, an athlete, he's sweet to everyone, and his face lights up when he talks about his cousin, is there anything wrong with him?"

All of the girls seemed to agree with Alice's assessment but something she said caught me by surprise. "His cousin?"

Everyone looked at me in surprise. "Yes," she acted as if I should have known what she was talking about. "Well I was in the union the other day getting lunch and the guys were there. Edward got a phone call and his face lit up like a kid on Christmas, he excused himself to answer the phone and came back almost twenty minutes later. When Jasper asked he said that it was his little cousin and she had exciting news."

I wasn't sure why it bothered me that Alice knew about this. I guess I was just surprised that he had not mentioned her to me with all the times we talked about his family so I shrugged it off. Happy with the way the conversation had turned I decided to push things in a totally different direction. "So what was going on a Ben's apartment last night?" I gave Angela a meaningful glance. Angela and Ben been dancing around each other for months now and were finally getting to the dating stage.

Angela smile "Nothing much he and his roommates invited us over and we ended up playing quarters and I've never."

"Yeah I was surprised." Jessica giggled "Our little Angie isn't so innocent after all."

"Oh really well do tell what have you been keeping from us Ang?" I asked while everyone laughed as Angela looked like she was trying to find the fastest escape route.

"You know to be fair to Angela I think we should all share." We all looked at Dani expectantly. "Well why don't we play a game of truth so everyone has to spill a few secrets. To be fair since some of us know more than others…" she looked between me and Lynn. "Everyone write down a few questions and we'll pile them in the center of us and we'll pick from the pile, and even if you pick your question you have to answer it."

We all agreed to the game. I grabbed a notebook and gave everyone a sheet of paper. As we all started writing down questions I had to laugh slightly feeling like we were thirteen again having a sleepover. Once everyone had written down a few questions Dani picked first since it was her suggestion.

She picked up her slip of paper and read "Have you ever stolen anything?" She didn't even have to think before she looked at me and Lynn and we all busted out laughing. "Yes!" She stated firmly before explaining. "When we were in junior high we all found these rings and wanted them as friendship rings. We thought it would mean more if we stole them."

I laughed "Yeah because we were all too freaked out to do the blood brother cut yourself to bond thing. So we thought that the danger of being caught was close enough."

"I thought Bella was going to have a panic attack thinking that if we got caught her dad would arrest us." Lynn teased.

Angela picked the next question after we all stopped laughing. "Have you ever had a sexual encounter with the same sex?" She quickly looked down and answered "Yes…" I think we were all surprised by her answer because Angela is so shy. "It was nothing major a friend of mine and I decided to tease some of our guy friends and we kissed to see how they would react. A kiss turned into a bit of making out. It was a bit odd but their reaction was completely worth it."

Jessica picked next and had to tell us her strangest or naughtiest dream. I could have done without the knowledge of the working of Jessica's subconscious. Then Alice had to tell us what the most daring thing she had ever done in public. She told us that during a vacation her and some friends went to a nude beach. Apparently it was not as fun as she thought it would be since most of the people were older and wrinkled. We all had a good laugh at her attempt to explain the "less than attractive people".

I pulled a question from the pile. "What would you say caused the worst punishment you have ever earned?" I had to think about this because my mom and dad never really disciplined me for anything. When I was younger I would get sent to my room but that usually only lasted a day. Most of the things that got me in trouble were normal teenage things. Even cliff diving only got me a lecture. "I think the only time I really remember being grounded was when Charlie found out about me riding my motorcycle. He hated the fact that any one of my friends rode and strictly forbid me from getting on a bike."

"So how did Charlie find out you had been riding?" Jessica asked

I sighed and looked at Dani and Lynn. They both knew this story and were waiting to see if I would talk about it. Before I could say anything they answered "Jacob." The other three girls looked surprised and apprehensive. They all knew Jake from all the times he visited and they also knew I hadn't really talked a lot about Jake lately.

"So wait… Jacob is the one who told your dad about your motorcycle?" Alice asked.

"Yeah Ali. Jake and I had already been riding for a few months I had gotten really good at this point. At first I had a hard time keeping the bike upright but we were at a point that riding was easy. We always rode together just in case but Jake had started working at the garage and we had less time to ride together. He was at work one day and I wanted to go for a ride I took the bike out and I ended up laying the bike down." Seeing the confusion on their faces I realized they had no idea what I meant. "I wrecked. It wasn't a bad wreck I hit some loose gravel and lost my balance the bike basically laid down if that makes sense to you. I wasn't going fast enough for anything major to happen but I did get some nasty road rash on my arm and leg and a pretty bad burn from the bike. I didn't mention it to Jake because it was not a big deal but about three days later Jacob was at my place and he saw my arm and leg and flipped out." A small smile came across my face as I remember how concerned he had been. "Anyway Jake and I were arguing about me riding without him when Charlie came home."

Dani and Lynn were watching me with careful smiles. I laughed a bit to myself remembering the bomb that seemed to go off when my dad heard the words motorcycle and accident come from Jacobs's mouth. "I ended up grounded for a month and was not allowed to go to Jake's how for another month after that." Charlie assumed that after two months and talking to Billy, Jake's dad that the bikes would be sold or his preference, destroyed. Billy on the other hand was more understanding and had known about the bikes all along. "Thinking back on it now I wish we would have stopped riding after that."

I could feel the tears starting to well in my eyes and I fought them back. I hated crying, and I hated crying in front of anyone. I felt like more people had seen me cry in the last three months than in my entire life. It was quiet for a few minutes before I heard laughter from Dani.

"Do you remember the time that we were all camping out on the beach and Charlie told you that he did not want you spending the on the beach with a bunch of teenage boys." I rolled my eyes and laughed with her.

"Yes, I told him that it was just the guys and it wasn't as if we had never camped out before but he seemed to think that adding teen to our ages changed everything."

Lynn was now shaking her head "I will never forget watching Jacob climb that tree outside your window. He was insistent that you could not miss one of our campouts and he was going to be the one to help you sneak out."

The girls left later that evening and Alice and I had to go our weekly sorority meeting. I was thankful to my girls. After thinking about Jake and our bikes that helped to lighten the mood by talking about other things we did together that left me with only good feelings.

Our meeting was routine. We discussed the greek week, and the formal. The only real new business was a community service and fundraiser event in which all of the greek community would be participating. The weekend before spring break we would be helping with a benefit concert to help a local family. A father of three and the main provider for his family had been in an accident caused by a drunk driver. He was injured badly enough to cause him to be unable to work for at least the next year. His insurance was taking care of his medical needs but his family needed help with child care and household expenses. The hope is to raise funds to aid in these needs as well as awareness of the consequences of drunk driving. We would also be helping to organize a presentation prior to the concert. Pan-Hellenic and IFC are hoping to get the advisors for all social and service organizations to agree to make this presentation mandatory for members.

All of us are excited to be helping with this event. The fact that we will be helping a local family made us want to work even harder knowing we would be able to see how our efforts help them. Having the presentation added to the event will not only raise awareness but it also helps the image of the greek system. We don't deny that we party and drink but all of the fraternities and sororities on campus try to make sure we are safe which is why we have DDs. None of us are angels by any means but events like this one help to break some of the stereotypes.

The next day I woke up bright and early. I walked down to the bathroom to wash my face and brush my teeth. Angela was walking in just as I walked out. "I'll be ready to go in a bit, Ang. I just have to throw on my sweats."

Angela and I workout every Monday. We both try to get workouts in throughout the week but Monday mornings are the only time we can guarantee. I put on a pair of yoga pants a tank top and a university zip up. By the time I was putting on my tennis shoes Angela was at my door. We walked down to the gym in relative silence. I hadn't had my coffee yet knowing that coffee before a workout was not a good idea. The problem with skipping my caffeine was that I wouldn't be fully functional until we got on the treadmill.

After a ten minuet warm up on the treadmill Ang and I made our way to the leg press machines. We never used a high weight only using the machines for toning. It wasn't long before we were joined by my bear of a big brother. "Hey girls, would you mind if I join you?"

"Sure Em, as long as you don't expect me to life the same weight as you." I smiled at him

Working out with my friends was fun it gave us a chance to just talk and I always felt better after. We talked about our weekend. Emmett found our little game of truth amusing. I spent a good amount of time trying to convince him just to suck it up and ask out Rose. I never said her name because Angela didn't know about his attraction and I didn't want to betray his trust. During our conversation I decided that I may just have to talk to Rose and see if I can get her to ask him out.

At the end of our usual hour Angela and I went to grab our gym bags when Emmett stopped me. "Hey Bells do you have a second?"

I turned back to face him. "Sure Em what's up?"

"It's nothing really I just wanted to see how you are. I know I said I would call you last week but I never had a chance. Then Danielle and Lynn came to visit so I knew you were busy."

I knew he was still worrying after my little assault on the heavy bag last week. I also know that worry probably increased after Dani and Lynn's visit. I sighed and sat down against the wall. "I'm okay Emmett. Some days are harder than others but I'm dealing the best way I can."

"Bella, I'll trust you on this but I can't help but worry about you." He took a seat next to me on the floor. "I talked to Rose the other day and we both agree that you're different. The same but different." I knew he was having trouble approaching this topic but what he just said made no sense to me at all. He must have realized that as well because he continued.

"Little, what I mean is you are doing all the things you used to do. Hell you've even been a lot more active the last few weeks than you were right after …" He trailed off not wanting to directly bring up either death. "but it's like you still are not always there. Sometimes I think you are just going through the motions. I didn't really see it until I saw your face when I ran into you and Cullen that day. I know what was bothering you and I'm willing to bet you didn't talk to anyone about it either."

I rested my head against the wall and closed my eyes. "No Em, I didn't. I was just remembering them there isn't anything to talk about."

"Yes little there is." He stated firmly. " You have been keeping everything inside and you haven't talked to anyone about how you feel. We all liked Jacob, he was a great guy…" I felt my heard clench at his use of the past tense. "and well I don't like what you went through with James but I'm glad you confided in me. But, you are doing the same thing now that you did then. You admitted what your relationship was like and that was that you never talked about how you felt. Now you are doing the same thing you will talk about how they died but not how you feel."

This is not the conversation I want to have why should I talk about how I feel. Everyone already walks on eggshells around me expecting me to break down. I have always been good at internally working through things. I don't want to burden my friends with how much I hurt. "Big, I love that you are here for me but honestly I'm okay. Yes, it hurts and I miss them. Yes both of them, they were so much a part of who I am I can't help but miss them. But that is the only thing I can say about how I feel. Nothing will change what happened and it will not bring them back so the only thing I can do is live my life."

"That's what I'm worried about little." He took hold of my hand. "Are you living your life? Yes you smile and laugh but you are not happy. I can see that. You have been distant from everyone. It's like you are just doing what's expected of you." He stopped and looked at me I don't know what he saw but it seemed to make him realize I couldn't have this conversation.

He stood up and helped me up as well pulling me into a hug. "We love you Bells, we're your friends we just don't want you to shut us out."

I could only nod my acceptance of his statement. I walked over to Angela to grab my bag. Again we walked in silence. I think she knew what Emmett and I were talking about and knew I just did not want to talk. When we got back to Masen Hall I only had about forty five minutes to shower and get ready for class. I could not help but think about what Emmett had said. I already knew I had been acting differently, but honestly after everything I don't see how I could be the same. I also knew that I had been distant from my friends. It is not as if I am trying to shut them out, I just don't want them to have to be burdened with my grief. I really did not have time to think about all this now, I had classes to go to. I would think about all this later if I had time.

Classes seemed to drag on. By the time I finished with my biology lab all I wanted to do was go back to the dorm and crash. It was days like this one that I wished I lived in an apartment so I could have my own bathroom with a nice big tub. The problem is that I don't have that luxury no matter how much a bubble bath would help me relax. Also, I only had an hour to eat before I had to meet with Jen, Maggie and the rest of the community service committee to start working on ideas for this weekend's benefit.

Due to my short amount of time I decided to just grab a sandwich and an energy drink. I was sitting in the union eating when my phone alerted me to a new text. I assumed it would be one of the sisters letting me know they were running late. I was wrong the text was from Edward.

**Hey little girl, r u up for a study session tonight? – E**

**Sry, I have a meeting, for the benefit. – B**

**Ok, let me know when u r free – E**

I felt bad for not being able to meet Edward tonight. He had been a great help with biology and I enjoyed his company. I had thought about telling him I would call him after my meeting but I didn't know how late we would be.

Our meeting started off fairly simple. Jen informed us that the sororities would be in charge of arranging the presentation and the fraternities were taking care of the concert. All we were really doing tonight was giving ideas to Jen to take back to the Pan-Hellenic committee. Jen is our PanHel liaison.

We thought it would be a good idea to hear from the family the event is helping. I also thought it would be a good idea to contact the high school and the local chapter of M.A.D.D. to see if they would like to speak. This event is as much a benefit for the family as it is to raise awareness. Kate also suggested that we make sure to contact the school and town newspaper as well as the local radio stations in order to get a larger turn out. Maggie suggested that since this was an on campus event and we were already trying to get the high school involved that we should also extend an invitation to the school to allow their students to attend both the presentation and concert. Jen said that she would bring that up to the main committee and also thought that that it may be good to suggest to the school that attending this event could count for some type of credit for their health classes.

By the time we finished with our meeting and spending a little time just talking it was around nine o'clock. It was much earlier than I normally go to bed but I could not wait to curl up in bed. I took the time on my walk home to think about what Emmett had said. I hated the idea that my friends felt like I was shutting them out. I had not been trying to shut them out or distance myself from them. Yes, I had been careful about whom I allowed into my life lately but people like Rose, Alice, Emmett, Jasper, Angela, and Jessica were already a big part of my life. I know I had been closed off to new people but I was letting Edward in, opening up to him. No I was not as close to Danielle, Lynn, Quil, Embry, or even Ryan but we had already started to lose touch when we went away to college. That's normal it happens.

I still talk to everyone from home. I mean Dani and Lynn were just here to visit. I talk to my parents all the time. Even Quil, Embry and Ryan, we still talk. I mean Ryan had just called me… he had just called me… three weeks ago? Can that be right? Okay so it had been three weeks since I talked to Ryan but when was the last time I talked to Quill or Embry?

Thinking about it now I cannot remember the last time we talked. Had I even spoken to them since the semester started? With my mind on these things the walk back to my dorm was quick. I unlocked my door and found Lauren laying on her bed talking on the phone. I didn't acknowledge her just as she ignored me. I threw my bag down and took off my shoes. I did not even bother changing before I lay down in bed.

_My phone ringing startled me. "Hello?" I hadn't bothered to look at the caller ID_

_"B, it's Dani." Her voice was shaky "Are you busy, can we talk?"_

_"Yeah Dan. What's going on you sound like something is wrong." I didn't like the way she sounded it was too familiar. _

_"B, it's James. He… He's …" I could tell she was trying to keep it together but was failing._

_"He's what? No one has heard from James since he called me after Jacob…"_

_"Bella, He's dead." Silence, I felt like everything froze. Then I felt like the room was spinning and there was a ringing in my ears. I slid off the bed to the floor. Not again. This cannot be happening again. I couldn't breathe it was like there was not enough air in the room. No. No. No. No. No. James was an asshole at times, and he was wrong for the way he treated me but, dead? _

_"Bella! Bella! Bells! Are you there? B. Answer me…. Ok I'm calling Alice and Rose." _

_I don't know how long I sat on my floor. I never hung up the phone. When Rose and Alice showed up in my room I was in the middle of a full blown panic attack. _

_Alice and Rose sat with me for the rest of the night. The next morning Danielle, Quil and Embry showed up at the dorm. They packed my things and drove me back to Forks. I was in complete zombie mode. I could not believe this was happening again. How was I going to be able to do this again? I didn't want to walk into another funeral home. No, not another funeral same one that I had to go to to say goodbye to Jake. That thought alone made me sick. _

_Why was this happening? James had not been a part of my life for a little over a year now but it still hurt. Was this my fault? Did I do something in my life to deserve this amount of pain? I always thought I was a good person but in less than two months time I lost two people who were so important in my life. How was I going to do this? There is no way I could go through this again. If I lose anyone else…_

My eyes flew open. My chest was tight, and I had tears streaming down my face. Emmett was right I had been shutting people out. My dream, the dream of the day I found out about James, brought everything back. That was the last day that I had spoken to the guys. They all wanted to be there for me. Even though they had their issues with James they knew how hard it was going to be for me and I pushed them away.

I was so afraid of losing anyone else that I pushed them all away. I went to the funeral alone, I had my dad drive me back to campus right after. Even after I started classes again I kept to myself. Everyone, my friends from home, my sisters, the brothers, I stopped getting any closer than we already were.

The more I thought about how I had been acting the harder it got to breathe. I was having another panic attack. I focused on my breathing, I had to get control. Lauren would be no help, I would not want her to see me like this anyway. I do not want anyone to see me like this ever. That thought brought on another round of tears. I have been feeling so much pain and grief that I've built up walls so that no one around me has to feel it.

Letting others feel what I feel and comfort me only lets them get closer. Emmett was right I am shutting everyone out. But, is that a bad thing? I'm protecting them from my pain, and I'm protecting myself from losing them one day.

I looked at my clock, six in the morning. Ugh, I don't have class until ten but there is no way I'm falling back to sleep now. I pulled myself out of bed. I put on a hoodie and sweatpants before going to wash my face and brush my teeth. If I'm awake I may as well do something with my time. I don't normally like to run unless I'm in the gym but right now I need to clear my head.

The campus at this time in the morning is usually quite. Being outside away from other people just me and my music is what I need. I made my way out of Masen Hall and headed straight for the running path on the south side of campus.

Now I had to decide what to do. The reality of this is that I cannot keep people out of my life. Keeping people out of my life means that I would essentially stop living. To lose nothing is to have nothing to begin with and I already had friends and family that I care about. I can live my life the way they would have wanted me to. I smiled to myself as I thought about what Jacob would say to me if he were here. Jake was so full of life and so happy, and he would have given me so much shit for allowing myself to act the way I have been.

I just need my friends to know that I do not want to talk about my feelings, I will deal with that on my own, I have to. They also need to know that there is no need to walk on egg shells around me.

After my run I went back to the dorm to shower and get ready for the day. As I was putting my phone in my bag I noticed I had an unread text.

**Enjoy your run? – E**

I was not sure how I felt about that text but shook it off, I would deal with Edward later.

I finished getting dressed. I still was not feeling one hundred percent so I opted for comfort instead of fashion today. Comfort for me is one of Jake's old sweatshirts it was a black Volcom zip up. I put on a plain white tee underneath and a worn pair of jeans with my favorite chucks.

Alice would probably throw a fit; then again she also may say nothing knowing it is Jacob's zip up. I went to the café and got a cup of coffee and a bagel. I actually had time for a full breakfast but I wanted to meet up with the girls.

Walking down to the quad I spotted my sisters standing in the same spot as always. I scanned the group looking for Rose. I finally saw her sitting on the bench like statue talking to Kimi.

"Morning girls." I smiled. They all smiled and greeted me in return. Before I could get caught up in any conversations I turned to Rose. "Hey big can I talk to you for a second."

"Sure little." She turned to the others. "We'll see everyone later."

As we walked away I began what I needed to say. "I spoke with Emmett yesterday. He said that you guys talked." I looked at her to see an apologetic smile on her face. "It's ok, I'm not upset. I had not realized I was pushing you all away and I'm sorry."

"Bella, we just miss you and we want to help." She linked her arm with mine.

"I know Rose but honestly I'm fine. Yes it hurts. Yes I miss them. But, I'm dealing with it and I don't want to talk about how I feel about everything. I do not want everyone to treat me like their expecting me to lose it all the time."

"Little, we just want to be there for you." She said before we stopped outside of her class building.

I leaned against the wall gathering my thoughts I did not want this to come out the wrong way. "I know you all mean well but I want to grieve in my own way and that is to deal with it on my own. All I need from everyone else is to treat me the same as they always have. I'm not saying I'm not going to have my bad days or that there are not things that will remind me of them but I need everyone to stop expecting it." I looked at her to see if she understood what I was saying.

I don't know if I explained it right. I realized during my run that in order for me to get back to normal I needed things to be normal. Everyone had been expecting me to lose it anytime Jake was mentioned. They acted like I would cry or break down and the smallest thing. I know it was as much my fault as theirs but with everyone acting like that around me it was only a constant reminder of what I have been trying to move on from.

She looked at me carefully before nodding. "Alright little I understand what you are saying. Just know if you do need to or want to talk we are here."

I smiled "I know big, and thank you for that. What I do need is for everyone to understand what I just told you. Do you think you can help me talk to the sisters? I do not want to make this into an announcement but I know people ask you how I am. When someone asks can you just let them know what I told you?" She nodded again. "Thanks, I'll talk to Ali, Em and Jazz. I owe them as much."

She hugged me and said she would let everyone know in the most tactful way as possible. As we stepped away from one another two very large arms pulled us together again. "Emmett you big fool what are you doing?" Yes, that's Rosalie for you. She can be tactful but she can also be as blunt as the dull end of an axe.

Emmett being who he is only laughed and hugged us tighter. "Well I felt left out, so I thought we could have a family hug"

"You really are a big fool." Rose laughed but hugged him back. Seeing her wrap her arm around his waist I remembered another little talk I needed to have with my big sister.

"Hey how do we get in on this love?" Jasper shouted as he, Eric, Garrett, and Edward made their way to us.

Rose and I exchanged looks and I knew she was thinking the same thing as me. Alice would love to extend an invite.

"Morning ladies, I'm glad we ran into you. This will save me a phone call." Rose and I looked at Garrett in complete confusion. "I was going to give you girls a call later, I thought it would be fun to have a few friends over on Thursday night. My apartment is not big enough for everyone but some of the guys are coming by and I wanted to invite you two as well as Alice."

"That sounds like fun." I responded "Is Kate going to be joining us?" Garrett and Kate started dating last year and were the absolute cutest couple.

"Yes she will be there." He answered before excusing himself

The others began to make their way towards their various classes. "Hold it Cullen!" I called out before he could walk too far away. He turned back to look at me "Care to explain?" I asked handing him my phone with the random text from this morning.

He started laughing. "Don't worry Swan I'm not stalking you. I was out running with the track team this morning and saw you out there."

"Wow I didn't notice anyone out there this morning." I must have been completely out of it to have not seen the track team out there.

"I would have joined you but coach would have killed me."

"Actually I needed some time that is why I was out there so early." No need to mention that I need time to work out issues after I woke up having a panic attack. His smile fell a little and I realized that what I said came out a bit cold. "Listen, I have to get to class but if you want would you like to grab lunch with me around one? I have a meeting with my writing professor so I won't be able to meet with the sisters today."

His smile returned and he agreed to join me for lunch.

After my classes and my meeting I sent a text message to Edward asking him to meet me at the Sub Station. By the time I walked across campus and to the Sub Station Edward was already there.

"I hope you don't mind I already ordered." He stood and pulled out my chair. "I remembered Alice had said the usual the night we ordered from here so I thought you would want the same thing."

"Well Cullen you thought right, thank you." I picked up the tea he had already ordered for me and took a drink. "I'm sorry if I was rude this morning." I saw that he was about to interrupt but I held up my hand to stop him. "I didn't mean to sound like I would not have enjoyed your company during my run. I had a rough morning and I don't think my brain filter was working properly."

"No worries Bella, I know how therapeutic running can be." He smiled gently at me.

Our conversation during lunch was easy as usual. He asked how my bio lab was. I told him that I felt pretty good about it but there were still some things I was not completely clear on. After we agreed to set up another study session for Wednesday evening we talked about what the guys had been doing for the benefit. Apparently Edward, Emmett, Mitch, and Jasper were helping with the set up and tear down which gave them time to actually watch the concert. I let him know what we were planning with the publicity and presentation. One thing that was never discussed was the reason for my rough morning. I was thankful that Edward never asked.

I on the other hand was a little more intrusive. "So Alice mentioned that she had lunch with you all the other day."

"Oh yeah, I didn't get a chance to talk to her much though I received a phone call in the middle of lunch." There was a smile playing at the corner of his lips. "My cousin called. It has been some time since I have talked to her."

"I take it you two are close?" I asked

"Yes, we are. She is only thirteen. Her father and my mother are brother and sister. It sounds odd but I was named after her dad. Uncle Edward and my mother were very close. Since he had no children when I was born he and his wife, my Aunt Elizabeth, were having were having trouble conceiving she asked him if he would be comfortable if she named me after him."

I could not help but smile at him as he spoke about his family. "That is very sweet of your mom."

"Aunt Elizabeth was thrilled with the idea. Her and my uncle had all but given up hope of children when they found out she was pregnant. The problem was that when Aunt Elizabeth found out about the baby Uncle Edward had just accepted a promotion that required a lot of travel. My parents helped my aunt as much as possible so I guess Nessie came to see me as a brother."

He was smiling ear to ear now. "I am guessing Nessie is a nickname."

"Short for Vanessa. She actually hates it if anyone other than me calls her that." He laughed "Anyway she called to tell me that she placed first in her latest competition."

"Competition?" I asked

"She's been riding horses for almost six years now and began show jumping about two years ago." I was amazed at the way he spoke about this girl.

He went on to tell me that she and her parents still live in California. He said that he thinks that part of his father's need to spend more time with him was because of watching his uncle have leave so often. Edward's uncle traveled less now but had missed out on a lot during the first four years or so of his daughter's life. Watching Edward's face as he talked about his cousin was indescribable. He was so proud of her and riding.

I was happy that Edward told me about her and honestly hoped to meet her some day.

"I bet you loved having her around." I commented

"Are you kidding? When I say she was like a little sister I meant it. She was the most annoying thing in my world until about two years ago." He laughed.

"I don't know I guess I always wanted siblings or someone to look up to me. I'm an only child as were both of my parents so I don't have cousins either."

"I guess I can see where you are coming from. Although it is not all it's cracked up to be." He paused. "I'm just glad she didn't have to see what an idiot I was when Chelsea was in my life."

"I'm sure she would have understood as she got older." I responded "Just think soon enough you have to sit back and watch when she hits a rebellious stage." I burst into laughter at the look of horror on his face.

"Bella that is not even funny." I could not stop laughing and I knew from this point on I had the perfect way to torment Edward.

Our lunch came to an end. Edward had to go to class and I wanted to take some time to call Quil. I missed the guys and now that I had realized how long it had been since we talked I needed to hear their voices.

Edward walked me back to Masen Hall leaving me with a kiss on the cheek. He held the door open for me as I went inside and wondered if he not only acted like a gentleman because of the way he was raised, but also because he knew he would want Vanessa treated with the same respect.

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	12. Unexpected

**AN: Sorry, I wanted to update sooner but I also have an original story I am working on and have had serious writer's block. I had some ideas come to me and needed to run with it before it was too late. Thanks to everyone who has reviewed and put me on favorites or alerts. Also someone sent me a pm asking if i had anyone to beta my story. The answer is no I don't I am not actively looking for a beta but if anyone would like to i'm not opposed to the idea. Anyway hope you enjoy this chapter Happy reading. **

**Disclaimer:I do not own twilight.**

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Chapter 12: unexpected

I knew the next two weeks leading up to the benefit and spring break were going to be hectic so I was trying to get ahead on my reading. I also needed to finish my paper for my lit class. Other than class Tuesday and Wednesday were spent in the library and in the union. It felt like all of my time was being taken up with class work and benefit preparations.

Our suggestions for the presentation part of the benefit were accepted and we were given the okay to begin contacting the schools and organizations. Jen had no difficulty in handing out our assignments I was talking to the M.A.D.D chapter while Maggie was going to the high school asking for their support and student involvement, and Kate was handling the public relations part. We also had girls from some of the other sororities assigned to help us. Some other things that were being handled by other sororities were talking to the family the benefit was helping. It was agreed that someone from the family would speak. Also one of the Delta sisters suggested having officials from both the police and fire departments speak.

It was great having so many people involved in organizing this event. There is a lot of work to be done in essentially a short amount of time. Because of my class schedule and planned study session with Edward on Wednesday night I had to schedule my meeting with M.A.D.D. for Thursday. Thanks to being so busy none of us had really had an opportunity to just hang out. Our normal Tuesday meal was evidence of this when barely ten girls showed up. I hadn't had a chance to talk to Emmett or Jasper to fill them in on what I had talked to Rose about. I did talk to Alice and she was just as understanding as Rose.

The boys had been just as busy as everyone else. The concert preparations were coming along well. It was nice to see the guys working so hard for such a good cause. As it was Wednesday night everyone was looking forward a little bit of relaxation and fun. Mixer night, tonight we were mixing with the Omega Tau brothers. I was opting to stay home tonight. Just in the last few days I felt like an entire week had gone by with how busy things had been and I was completely not in the mood for a party. I was however upset I would be missing this particular mixer. It was a graffiti mixer and one of my favorite themes, mainly because it was the best excuse to not have to dress up. Everyone wore jeans and white tee shirts, the idea being that anyone and everyone at the party would write or draw something on your shirt.

"Hey Bella wait up." Alice called from behind me.

I turned to wait for her. "What's up Ali?"

"Nothing really just thought we could walk back to the dorm together my last class was canceled."

"Well that's a nice surprise for the day" I smiled

"Yes it is." She responded falling in step beside me. "So are you sure you don't want to come to the mixer tonight it's going to be so much fun."

I shook my head "I'm sure. I just want to relax tonight. Edward is coming over to help me with bio and besides we are going to Garrett's tomorrow."

"Oh, Edward is coming over huh?" she smirked.

"Don't even go there Alice. We are just friends. I stated firmly. Alice thinks Edward and I would make the perfect couple. If I'm being honest with myself I like Edward more than I should. I know I came to the realization that I needed to stop shutting people out but I do not think I'm ready to let someone into my heart. Getting close to someone as a friend is one thing but anything romantic is a whole different set of risks.

"Bella you know it is not a crime to go on a date every once in a while."

"I have been on dates Alice!" I rounded on her.

"You have not gone out with anyone since last semester. And even then you would go out with someone once or twice and then find something wrong with them." She looked at me with a mixture of fear and defiance in her eyes. "I know you lost a lot of faith in relationships after James. That is understandable especially now after everything else has happened but eventually you have to take a chance."

I could not be upset by what she was saying. This was in a way what I wanted after all. Before I made it clear that I wanted everyone to treat me normally Alice would never have said anything like this. However, I did not want to hear what she was saying because that meant admitting that I was more messed up after my relationship with James than I thought. It meant admitting that I was afraid of being in a relationship. I was afraid that I would mess things up and a part of me still believed what James told me, that no one would really truly love me.

I did not respond to Alice and she let the topic drop. I knew she had said what she needed to but that it would not be the last time we had a conversation like this. By now we were back at the dorm. We said our goodbyes before she walked down the hall to her room.

I went straight to my email seeing that I had received one from my mom. I would have to call her this weekend. I also checked my facebook and noticed I had a new post from Quil. I had called the guys Monday night and we had a really good talk. They told me that they understood and that they were happy that I called. They filled me in on everything that was going on back home. I promised that I would see them during spring break.

After checking a few more posts I saw that I had a new friend request from Edward. Naturally I accepted. I also had a message in my inbox from Danielle.

**Hey Bells, I had a great time this past weekend. I heard from Embry and Quil they were really happy that you called them. My mom also called me today; she said she ran into Billy the other day. I know you're planning on visiting him when you come home and I just wanted to see if you mind a tag along. I haven't been able to go since the accident and I really think I should. I'll understand if you want to go alone just let me know. On a happier note I thought you might like to know a certain green eyed guy friended me. ;) Anyway I promise not to embarrass you too much when I talk to him. Ok gotta go Love u Dani.**

I shook my head and laughed at her last comment, If there is anything I can count on Danielle will do just about anything that will embarrass me. I wrote her back telling her that I would love for her to join me when I visit Billy. Since Jacob's death anytime that I go home I make it a point to visit with his dad. I know it helps him but it is also really good for me being so close to so much that reminds me of Jake.

My focus was taken off the computer when my favorite roommate entered. Normally I would continue what I had been doing and ignoring her presence but it seemed that today she had other ideas.

"Shouldn't you be getting all slutted up by now?" her tone was rude and condescending.

"Lauren I have no idea what you are talking about and by the way if I wanted to get slutted up as you put it I would be looking through your closet right now instead of using my computer."

Having no comeback she simply rolled her eyes before continuing. "Isn't it one of your little party nights, you know so you and your friends you bought can go get drunk and laid."

"Ugh Lauren, seriously can you find better insults. I didn't buy my friends and… you know what I'm not having this conversation with you again." I turned back to my computer. "I'm not going out tonight so if you were hoping to have the room to yourself tonight I'm sorry to upset your plans."

"Whatever, just so you know Tyler is coming over tonight so couldn't you go to like the common room or something?" She huffed and flopped back on her bed. Great so I have a choice to make. I can be a bitch and stick around the room so that Lauren can't have her fun. Or I could save myself and Edward a lot of grief and we could study in the common room.

"I thought you broke up with Tyler why is he coming over."

"He's been trying to get back together and he says he has a gift for me. I really don't know if we'll get back together but if the gift is nice enough… you never know." She shrugged. This is why I dislike Lauren. She has been sleeping around and hooking up with as many guys as possible since they broke up but for the right 'price' she will take him back.

"God Lauren can you be any more shallow?" I asked. "Anyway we can study downstairs since I know you have no shame and I don't want to see how far you are willing to go with people in the room."

"We?" Lauren asked. "Is Edward coming over? I should have knowing he is your latest claim and all. Just like Emmett and Jasper, are you going to make sure he doesn't date anyone either."

"I do not tell the guys what to do or who they can date. Staying away from you is completely their choice. In other words they are not desperate." I had enough of this conversation. I grabbed my phone and books and walked out of the room.

Edward was not supposed to be here for another hour so I walked to the café. I ordered a chi tea and decided to sit and work on some of my writing assignments. After about twenty minutes my phone alerted me of a new text.

**B, Sry but I have to cancel 2nite coach called a practice. – E**

**Its ok I understand. – B**

**Practice is canceled 2morrow make it up 2 u then. –E**

Great now I have to find something to do tonight. There is no way I am going back to the room. Angela and Jessica are in there room maybe I'll go hang out with them.

I did end up spending the rest of the night hanging out with Ang and Jess. We did a bit of work and watched movies. Once the movie was over we decided we wanted a chocolate fix and just to have a little bit of fun we went to the kitchen on the first floor and made brownies.

When I finally made it back to my room Lauren was already asleep and Tyler was gone. Maybe his gift wasn't good enough or maybe they got back together and he left I don't know and I do not care.

Thursday was another normal day I went to class and to my meeting with the representative from M.A.D.D. They love the idea of getting involved and were more than happy to have one of their members speak. She also told me that an announcement would be made to help up boost attendance and that after the event they would gladly post recognition on their website.

I ran into Edward on my way to class and he spent at least five minutes apologizing for last night. I told him that it was not a problem and I completely understood. He offered to meet with me before going to Garrett's apartment but I had to meet with Jen to let her know the outcome of my appointment today.

"Hey girls." Garrett greeted Alice and me as we entered the apartment.

"Hey Guys." Alice and I returned the greeting also acknowledging the rest of the room.

Kate came from the kitchen handing both Alice and I a beer. I sat down on the floor opposite the couch. Garrett's apartment is one of the few places I felt comfortable doing this. Most of the guys' living spaces were close to being listed as bio hazards. Garrett's place was very different though. It is a small one bedroom apartment. When you enter there is a living room with the dining space attached. Off of the dining space is a small kitchen. The general layout of those three rooms essentially makes an L shape. If you were to walk through the living room the door on the left is the bedroom and the right is the bathroom.

While this apartment was a lot cleaner than most it is still your typical college guy place. There was a couch on the same wall as the entry, a recliner in the corner. Across from the couch is a flat screen sitting on top of a low entertainment counter which housed an i home, DVD player, and an x box. Garrett's Dining table always made me laugh it is a poker table that he puts a board and table cloth over for when they eat.

Emmett was taking up residence on the recliner while Jasper, Rose and Eric were sitting on the couch. Garrett and Kate were on the floor leaning against the couch wrapped up in each other's arms and Alice had perched herself on the arm of the couch near Jasper.

Rose caught my eye as Alice sat down and we both had to suppress a laugh.

"So what is the plan for the night, cards, xbox, drinking games?" Emmett asked.

"Emmett, must you always be entertained" Jasper asked.

"Yes I must." Emmett answered with a smug smile.

"Come on Em, I haven't beat you in proving ground in a while." There is only one video game besides guitar hero that I'm good at and that is Tony Hawk skateboarding games. I actually like the older versions better but Emmett insist on the newer version.

"You're on!" Emmett laughed and pulled out the controller.

Emmett and I set up our game while everyone else broke off into their own conversations. It was not until I heard Eric and Jasper talking that I realized they were making a bet on the game. "I think she'll kill him you know this is her best game." Jasper said "I don't know it has been a while since she's played I think McCarty has been practicing." Eric replied. "Ten bucks!" I could not hold back the grin as I heard Jasper set the terms.

I leaned against the recliner prepared to start the game. Emmett may have been practicing but he forgot that I had played almost every level before and was used to the places that were best for tricks. What I always found funny was I really had no idea what I was doing I just pushed buttons until my player did what it was meant to do, fortunately for me this worked to my advantage.

We had already finished one game and Jazz won his bet. Emmett insisted on a rematch so we were half way through our second game when Edward, Mark and Holly came in. I was surprised to see my sister Holly; she liked the brothers but did not usually spend as much time with them as a lot of our sisters.

"Hey Hols, I didn't know you were coming tonight." Kate stated.

"Yeah Mark and I had a night class and he mentioned coming here and asked if I wanted to come." Holly answered

"Well guys grab a beer and join us, oh and just so you know we're taking bets on how many times Bells beats McCarty before he finally gives up and admits she is better than him." Garrett informed them.

"How many games have you already played Bella?" I glanced at Holly before answering.

"Hey Hols. This is only our second game so we may be here a while." I laughed focusing my attention back on the game. "Hi Edward, Mark."

They both said hello while getting a beer from the kitchen. The night went on and it only took five games before Emmett conceited defeat. After we finished our games Rose and Alice suggested we play a game of Asshole. As far as drinking games go I hate this game. I always end up drinking entirely too much and Emmett ending up as president is never a good thing.

We played a few games of Asshole before Alice announced that she had to go. I could tell she was feeling the effects and I knew she needed to go. I was feeling pretty good too but I was not ready to leave yet so I told her to go and I would see her in the morning. The dorm is only a few blocks away from the apartment so it isn't like either of us would be driving anyway.

Holly asked if we could play bullshit and I was all for the change. I was better at the game, and it had the potential to keep me from drinking much more. The only time you had to drink is if someone called bullshit and you were caught.

Emmett was terrible at this game. He was the easiest person to read and almost everyone could tell when he was lying. Garrett and Kate were completely screwed having a decent card collection. Edward and I were the two with the least amount of cards.

I threw down two queens and a 3 of spades. "Three queens." I stated with a straight face.

"Bullshit!" Edward called I glared at him before picking my cards back up. So far only him and Rose were able to call me out and I honestly just wanted the game to end. It was already past two in the morning and we had played about three games. On the next round Emmett and Eric both said they were calling it a night. With their decision to leave everyone agreed that it was time to leave.

Edward offered to walk me back to the dorm. We said goodbye to everyone and headed back to campus. When we got back to Masen Hall I reached into the back pocket of my jeans for my ID. The only problem was that my ID wasn't there.

"Damn!"

"What's wrong B?" Edward asked

"I completely forgot I didn't bring my ID with me tonight because I was in Alice's room before we left and Lauren had a guest over. I wanted to avoid any mental scaring so Ali said that she had hers and not to worry about it." I was beyond frustrated. It was starting to get cold out and there was no way for me to get in without my ID. Lauren would not wake up just to let me in and Alice was most likely out cold. I would feel too bad waking up Angela or Jessica.

"Okay so just come to my dorm." His suggestion sounded so simple.

"No I couldn't do that. I wouldn't want to intrude on you or your roommate. I'll just call Rose and crash at her place."

"Nonsense. I'm offering and my roommate is at his girlfriends for the night so there is no intrusion." He grabbed my hand and pulled me off toward his dorm.

I had not realized until this point that I didn't even know which dorm Edward lives in. Apparently he was only two dorms away in Dwyer Hall. Unlike my dorm his is eight stories therefore there is an elevator. Edward's room is on the sixth floor when he opened the door I understood what he meant about my room being so much bigger. His room is about half the size of mine. The door is in the center of the wall with closets on either side. The beds were opposite the closets against either wall with the head of the bed pressed against the back wall. They had two desks placed end to end below a window in the center of the wall.

"The one on the right is my bed. I'll grab you something to sleep in and give you some privacy to change." He handed me a pair of shorts and a tee shirt, and pulled out a pair of sleep pants for himself before leaving the room to change.

Edward was only gone a short time before there was a knock on the door. "I'm good" He came back in the room and went to his closet. I watched as he grabbed a blanket and another pillow from the top of his closet. He also pulled one of the three pillows off the bed. "Edward I really don't need two pillows one is fine."

He looked at me and laughed. "Oh no you are taking the bed. I am taking the floor."

"What? No I can sleep on the floor it's your room and your bed. I wouldn't feel right kicking out of your bed."

"And I wouldn't feel right making a lady sleep on the floor. I would sleep in Dean's bed but honestly I don't know the last time he washed his sheets and the idea kind of scares me." He laughed.

"Still I can't let you sleep on the floor." I shook my head

"Bella you are not going to win this, just get in bed. It's late and you need to sleep." He said but did not see me reach down and grab the blanket off the floor.

"Fine then we'll share." I stated. Edward looked at me with a mixture of surprise and confusion.

"Share?"

"Yes share." I answered climbing into bed and laying next to the wall.

"B, are you sure?"

I sighed "Yes Edward, it is not a big deal, now come on get in bed. I'm tired and don't want to discuss this all night."

Edward climbed into bed next to me pulling the covers up around us. I curled up on my side facing him and he laid on his back his right hand at his side and left up under his head. "Goodnight Edward."

"Goodnight little girl."

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	13. Protect my Heart

Chapter 13: Protect My Heart

Whoever decided the awful beeping sound an alarm clock makes is a good thing to wake up to must have only had two brain cells. I groaned and pulled a pillow over my head. I heard Edward laugh quietly before reaching over me to shut off the alarm. "Someone is not a morning person."

I slightly lifted the pillow from my head to glare at him. "When I hear that god awful screech first thing in the morning, then no I am not a morning person."

He laughed again sitting up on his side resting on his elbow. "Come on little girl. We have classes to get to and we need to get you in your dorm first."

"Skipping" I mumbled into the pillow I still had covering my face.

"Go back to sleep while I get showered. Then I will walk you back to the dorm. Going to class or not is your decision but I have to go since I have an exam today.

I felt the bed shift as he got up before quickly falling back to sleep. I fell back into dreams of Jacob. We were riding our motorcycles on the old roads near La Push. I still was not very good but I was getting better. Jake was laughing at my lack of balance on my bike when we came to a turn that would take us to the cliffs. Just as we came to the turn the oddly sunny day turned into a storm as I watched him lose control and crash into a tree. I tried to get to him but it was like I wasn't even there anymore. I was only able to watch as my best friend slipped away from me.

I shot up in bed trying to regain control of my breathing and feeling the tears fall from my eyes. I realized I was still in Edward's room but I had no idea how long it had been since he left to take his shower. My thoughts were interrupted by _We Are Family _playing through my phone. I reached to the desk chair where I had placed my folded clothes last night and dug my phone out of my jean pocket.

Before I could even say hello Alice was yelling in my ear. "Isabella Marie Swan! Where in the hell are you? I went by your room this morning and you were not there. I had to actually converse with that thing you have as a roommate, Ugh. She said you were not there when she woke up and your bed was still made, I'm freaking out over here."

"Ali, stop!" I shouted into the phone "You had my ID. I could not get back in the dorm last night, so Edward let me crash in his room. I'll be on my way back before class so can you let me in?"

"Before class? Bells, do you even realize what time it is?" She asked and I realized I had no idea what time it was but that Edward said he would wake me when he was done with his shower. "Bella it's already eleven which means you missed your class."

"Eleven! Okay now I'm seriously confused. He said he would wake me after his shower." I could hear Alice rambling on, most likely asking about my spending the night with Edward but I was busy trying to figure out why he didn't wake me before he left. "Ali listen I'll see you when I get back to the dorm. We'll talk later. Love ya." I hung up before she could respond. I was still trying to get my mind around the time not to mention that I was half asleep and emotional from my dream.

I climbed out of bed grabbing my clothes and getting dressed quickly not knowing when Edward or his roommate would be back. Thinking it would be a good idea to leave Edward a note I searched his desk for a pen and paper. I also took the opportunity to look at some of the things he had in his room. On the large shelves he had hung above his bed was a vast collection of CDs and even some old vinyl records. Piled beside his bed was numerous books and I was surprised to see Dostoyevsky mixed in with Stephen King among others. I finished writing a note thanking him for letting me stay and telling him to call me later. I picked up my phone from where I dropped it on the bed earlier and turned to leave when I noticed the poster hanging on his closet door. A classic heritage softail almost exactly like Jake's bike, needless to say his bike as well as mine were old and rebuilt but that was his bike. Suddenly my dream came back to me and I again felt tears in my eyes.

I heard a key enter the lock in the door to Edward's room and turned away from the door while wiping away my tears. "You're awake. I was hoping I would make it back before you woke up." Edward said as he closed the door behind him. "I hope you don't mind that I let you sleep. You said you were going to skip class anyway and you looked comfortable…" he trailed off.

"It's fine Edward, I just woke up a little while ago" I said turning to face him. "I was going to leave you a note I wasn't sure when you would be back."

"Yeah I had to stop by my advisors office after my exam or I would have been back sooner. So I was thinking we can go back to your dorm so you can get changed and then maybe grab some lunch." He threw his bag down at the foot of the bed. "If you are hungry that is."

"Sure sure, that sounds good" I said as he looked up at me for the first time since he walked in the room.

"B, what's wrong?" He asked softly taking a step forward. "Have you been crying?"

"Oh yeah, just a bad dream no big deal. I'm fine." I shrugged

"Come here little girl." He pulled me into a hug. "Do you want to talk about it?"

I tried so hard to hold back my tears but when Edward pulled me into his arms and spoke so sincerely I could no longer fight my emotions. "I just miss him so much." I sobbed "It isn't fair that it was him. Jake was such a good person."

As I cried on his shoulder Edward sat on his bed and pulled me onto his lap. "We were out riding our bikes. In my dream, it was just exactly like when he was first teaching me. It was fun we were laughing and just being … us. Then it all changed and Jake wrecked and it was like I wasn't there. I couldn't get to him, I couldn't help him. I couldn't speak and I couldn't move all I could do was watch as he died. I just wanted to get to him and tell him everything I never said."

"Jake was always so full of life. He was so happy all the time. He was my sun through all of the rain. I never thought I would lose him. I took so much for granted and now I'll never have that chance to say everything. And James, I can't help but wonder if he died thinking I hated him."

Edward still said nothing he simply held me and let me cry. "I didn't hate him. I know what he did was horrible but I always did believe he had a good heart. He just didn't know how to love. At least not the right way."

"Bella" he pulled me tighter to him as he spoke quietly. "Jacob knew you loved him. From everything that you have told me I am positive he knew everything you never had the chance to say. As for James, if he cared about you at all. If he knew you at all, there is no way he could believe you would hate him."

"I know it sounds selfish but sometimes all I can think is why me." I took a deep breath as I tried to control my tears. "I mean I've lost loved ones before and I know I'm not the only person to deal with death but why so much at once? It was like I did not have a chance to breath after losing Jacob and then…" I began sobbing again. "When my Gram Marie died it was not hard. She had a good life and while I miss her it was expected but both Jacob and James they both still had so much life in them."

I cried harder when that thought hit me. Losing someone your age, someone whom you have shared experiences with is so much different than losing someone older. Neither of them were even old enough to legally drink and there dead. That was why it was so hard for me to come back to school. Why should I get these experiences when they don't? They will never get to graduate college, or have a first day of work at a new career. Jacob will never get to open his garage. I get all these things and more. I get to finish school, get married, and maybe even have children. It just seems so unfair that I have the chance to live a full life when they do not.

I cried until no more tears would come. I had already sobbed like this at the funerals. I had already said that it isn't fair when I almost collapsed and ran out at Jacob's wake. That day it was Embry and Quil who held me while I cried. I had walked up to the casket, the burial was in an hour and the funeral home was allowing family time alone to say final goodbyes. The boys and I were about to leave when Billy stopped us.

"_Where do you think you three are going? You are family and need to be here." Jacob's father reached out and grabbed my hand. He nodded for me to go see my best friend._

_I walked forward and looked down and my best friend. He looked like he was sleeping. I always loved watching Jake sleep it reminded me of all the times we would crash out on the living room floor when we were kids. I had tears streaming down my face but I made no effort to wipe them away. I reached up and unclasped my necklace. When we were kids we bought those friends forever charms that fit like puzzle pieces. I wore my half of the charm while Jake kept his on his key chain. Charlie told me that it must have been lost in the wreck. _

_I held Jacob's hand and placed my half there. "Forever Jake, you are my brother and my friend forever. I love you" _

_I felt my knees go weak as I cried. I could not do this. I could not say goodbye. I ran out of the room. I had to get outside. I needed air I needed to breath I felt like being inside where everyone was saying goodbye was suffocating me. _

_Once I was outside I found a bench and sat and sobbed into my hands. Embry and Quil came and held me as we all cried together. _

Then they cried with me. Now Edward held me while I cried. He comforted me even though he didn't share my pain like they boys did.

We spent the rest of the afternoon in Edward's room. He asked me to tell him more about Jacob. I told him stories about us as kids when our dads would go fishing and we would get stuck together for the day making mud pies and generally annoying my mother. I told him about our fights because we were both too stubborn and smart assed to always get along. Edward laughed when I told him about my ballet recital when I was six and we learned that my coordination does not extend to choreographed dance. My mother taped the entire disaster and Jacob loved to watch it as much as possible.

I sent Alice a text telling her why I had not made it back to the dorm and Edward called and ordered Chinese for lunch. We had been talking for a good three hours maybe more when Edward's phone rang.

He looked at me and apologized before answering the call. "Hi mom… yes I met with him today… everything was fine… listen mom can I call you and dad back later? Okay love you too." He hung up and turned to me "Sorry about that I was supposed to call her after my meeting with my advisor today."

"Oh I am so sorry," I stood up "I've taken up almost your whole day."

"It's okay besides my dad is still at work. Calling them back will just save me from having the same conversation twice."

"Still, I should go. I need to get cleaned up and I'm sure you have other things to do."

"Really it's fine but I'll walk you back just let me grab my keys." He picked up his keys from the desk and we walked out of his dorm.

On our short walk back Edward told me that his meeting with his advisor was about declaring a major. He had been thinking about going into medicine but was hesitant because of the amount of time he had seen his father put into his career. Apparently after a conversation with his dad and a couple of meetings with his advisor he had decided to go into physical therapy. I thought it was a perfect compromise and I told him as much. He seemed really happy about the idea of helping others but still able to have more normal hours in the future. He said that knowing that the physical therapy field could help so many people for so many different reasons meant a lot to him.

I had to give him so much credit as he told me about his conversation with his father. Apparently Carlisle had explained to him that physical therapy was needed for so many different reasons. I could see his excitement as he spoke.

Back as Masen Hall we said good night and Edward promised to call me tomorrow. I told him that I had a few things that needed to be done for the benefit but would love to spend some time hanging out in the evening, time when I was not an emotional wreck.

Alice had come down to let me into the dorm and handed me my ID as we walked upstairs. I told her that I was passing on going to dinner. After the huge amount of Chinese food we had for lunch I was nowhere near hungry. It had been an emotionally exhausting day and I just wanted to relax. Lauren was gone but would most likely be back after dinner. She had not mentioned going home this weekend. In an attempt to be able to avoid conversation with her I put my earbuds in and scrolled to one of my favorite playlists in my i pod.

As I lay in bed thinking about the day I could no longer deny my attraction to Edward. He was caring and understanding. He did not push me to open up, but most of all he allowed me to work things out for myself. He listened and only offered me advice or opinions sparingly. It was like he knew exactly what I needed when no one else did. The question now is what do I do about how I feel?

I am not sure I'm ready to let someone else into my heart that way. Can I take the chance to get that close to someone and risk losing them? As friends I can keep my heart guarded. Jacob was different because our relationship was so much more than friends.

Many people believe that a soulmate is someone you are destined to love but last semester in one of my elective classes, Mythology we studied the ideology. We learned that there is a belief that there are different types of soulmates. There are Karmic, companion, true, and twin flame soulmates. After learning this I believed that Jacob is my soulmate in some way.

No, we did not have a romantic relationship and when I asked my professor if someone could be your soulmate if you were not romantically involved. Her answer was "Each person decides these things for themselves. It is the power of free will. There is a possibility that we meet many and different types of soulmates in our lifetime."

We learned that there are many different theories about soulmates but after studying the different connections in my class I truly believe that we have more than one. Jacob was mine. He was my companion soulmate. He was someone whose soul holds the same energy and is willing to always be there for you as if drawn to one another. We did not have a romantic relationship he was not my true soulmate or twin flame, the strongest of connections, but he was meant to be in my life.

Now, I cannot deny that Edward is also meant to be in my life but can I risk losing him as well. I've built so many walls around my heart that I'm not sure I can tear them down. And what if I do allow myself to have more of a relationship with Edward? My relationship with James was so messed up I don't even know if I know how to have a normal relationship.

I sighed and lay back on my bed picking up my picture of Jake. Even if I can take down the walls I've built to protect my heart and even if there is enough of my heart left to let him have a piece, would he want what I have to give?

Thank god it's the weekend even if I am sitting in an empty classroom listening to Kimi tell us how she has been looking at old videos of Greek sing to come up with choreography ideas.

"One thing that I have realized is that we need to make sure that the dances are easy enough for everyone. Not all of us have a dance background and I have to remember that." When she said this I had to admit I was relieved. I can dance just not well. "Also I found out that this year's competition will be different from the past. We are now expected to perform with our partners instead of the fraternities and sororities having separate routines."

I actually had to admit that made sense to me most of the other events were coed. I never understood why Greek sing was different. "So wait you are telling us that we have to get the guys to dance and sing with us?" Kate laughed. "Oh this should be fun!"

It was no secret that every year the guys did the band thing or line danced anything from actually having to plan a routine. Rose had told me that last year the Omega Beta Taus did the cha cha slide even though it had nothing to do with the theme.

"I know exactly what you mean but the good news is that we know our partners and the theme." Kimi announced. "Because of the fact that spring break and Easter falling at the same time this year Pan-Hellenic and IFC realizes that there will be extra time constraints this year. So first our theme is soundtracks."

Erin interrupted. "So are we supposed to emulate the movie or can we do anything as long as the songs are from the soundtrack?"

"We can do whatever we want with the theme but I will say this. In the past we have always won or placed in the top three when we have done a skit so to speak instead of just a dance routine. I'll need to talk to the fraternity but I think it will be best if we did something along those lines." Kimi answered.

"Okay well I think since all the sisters are here we should throw out some soundtrack ideas, vote on the top three and then Kimi can take the idea to our partners. That being said I want to know who our partners are." Nikki turned to all Kimi waiting for her answer.

"Our partners this year are the brothers of Pi Kappa Nu" The whole room broke out into applause. We enjoyed being around the other fraternities but it had been two years since the sisters of sigma phi sigma were paired with the brothers of pi kappa nu. Those guys are truly like our family and every sister in the room knew that out of all the fraternities pi kappa would be the easiest to work with.

We spent the rest of the impromptu meeting discussing possible soundtracks. Eventually we did narrow it down to three popular choices, _Austin Powers the Spy Who Shagged Me, St Elmo's Fire, and Footloose. _We knew that the guys would have some ideas as well but we were hoping that they will just let us girls take charge. Kimi also spent an hour showing us some dance steps to see how well everyone picks up the choreography. So far I was keeping up just fine and praying that we could keep things this simple.

By the time we left the empty classroom it was almost two and we had been there since ten this morning. I was starving Rose, Alice and I decided to go straight to the café and eat. None of us cared we were still in the yoga pants and sweatshirts we had just spent an hour dancing in. Food was our main priority at this point.

We were excited about our ideas for this year's Greek sing and even more excited about the other competitions for Greek week. Rose and I were both looking forward to volleyball. Alice was looking forward to the relay race. She may be tiny but the girl is fast. I could not hold back my laughter when we talked about the silly sports. While I thought it would be fun to watch the three legged race or the obstacle course it was the pie eating contest that made me laugh. I could just see Emmett's excitement now.

"You know, something we didn't talk about today was the formal song." Rose said tearing me away from my internal amusement.

"Okay Rose, Alice and I haven't participated in a Greek sing before, what's a formal song?" I asked

"Well it's the more serious part of the competition. Every organization performs a song that means something to them. You know how the zeta beta zeta sisters use _The Rose_ for their Pref tea?" I nodded. Pref tea is a rush event to show potential sisters the bonds that can be formed in a sorority. "Well they usually sing that song every year. We use to sing a song that our sisters sang at the first competition but a few years ago we started changing the song each year. Last year we sang _I Turn to You _but since Anna graduated I don't know if any other sister could sing well enough to carry another song like that. Since she had the best voice she sang while the rest of us were pretty much back up."

"Maybe that's why Kimi didn't bring it up." Alice mused "Until she knows if anyone can handle the singing we may just have to find a song everyone can handle. I know I don't have a good vocal range so I'm out."

"Well I can sing but I don't think I'm good enough to practically have a solo." I can sing but I don't really think my voice is that great.

"You can sing?" Rose asked surprised.

"Yes, I mean I was in the school choir but it wasn't like I was a lead vocalist or anything." I responded.

"Little hardly any of us can carry a tune and those of us that can do not have the vocal range to carry the whole song. I think you should at least let Kimi know you have some vocal training."

"Rose school choir is hardly vocal training. Besides, there is no way I could be good enough to help us win."

Rose dropped the subject after that but Alice picked it up again as we made our way back to the dorm. I knew I could sing well but I did not like being in the spotlight especially since this was a competition. Yes it is only a trophy we would win but I know how important Greek week and Greek sing is when it comes to bragging rights. Alice was begging me to sing for her but dropped the subject when I agreed to at least think about the idea of 'auditioning' for Kimi.

I had no other plans for the rest of the day I just wanted to relax and enjoy my weekend. I didn't even feel like changing clothes. We had not been dancing enough to work up a sweat or anything. When I got back to my room Lauren was there so I decided to grab a book and go down to the common room.

I curled up on one of the couches wishing the old fireplace was still worked and was more than a beautiful centerpiece for the room. I could hear some of people in the game room at the other end of the hall playing pool and listening to music. It provided just enough background noise that it kept the room from being eerily quiet. It was not long before I was lost in my favorite book. I have no idea how long I had been reading when my phone alerted me of a new text message. It was from Edward asking what I was doing. Normally I would feel like a complete nerd when I responded with reading at my dorm but Edward knew me well enough to know that this was how I like to spend my free time.

He asked if I would like some company and I told him I would love his company. Not ten minutes later I was at the door letting Edward in and leading him to the common room. "Why are you hanging out down here?"

"Oh, Lauren's upstairs" I did not need to say more.

He laughed at my answer before asking "Are you moving out of the dorms and into the sorority house next year or are you just hoping to change roommates?"

"I'll probably stay in campus housing, my tuition covers housing so it doesn't make sense for me to go pay rent somewhere. We don't have a big house only about fifteen sisters live there. Rose, Alice Kate, and I were thinking of trying to get into the university apartments."

He looked at me confused "I thought it was really hard to get into those apartments because they are so nice but are still covered under tuition."

I nodded "Yes they are but Kate will be a senior and Rose a junior so with the two of them we have a better chance of getting an apartment."

"That's really good but I'm surprised that Kate doesn't just move in with Garrett." I laughed as he sat next to me on the couch.

"No Kate knows that while they love each other Garrett likes his 'bachelor pad'" He laughed as well before telling me that he didn't want to interrupt my reading so he brought a book as well. He said that he just felt like having some company for the afternoon. This was something I liked about Edward, we were comfortable together. There was not a constant need to fill the silence. While I appreciated that he didn't want to intrude on my reading it was not as if it was class work and I told him as much.

"Well if you're sure you wouldn't rather read." He said putting his book back into his bag.

"I'm sure. So did you hear who you're partner for Greek week is?" I asked feigning ignorance. He shook his head. "Well, I've told you this before but I don't like to lose, and neither do my sisters. So you and your brothers better be ready to win."

I his expression changed from confusion to understanding to excitement. "You girls are our partners?"

I nodded "Yep, and I cannot wait. We had a little meeting today about Greek sing. Everyone is really happy you guys are paired with us."

I told him what we talked about earlier. He asked what events I was looking forward to. When I told him that Alice was looking forward to the relay he perked up. I hadn't even thought about the fact Edward runs track. Alice will be thrilled. Talking about Greek sing reminded me of Edward's musical abilities. "Edward?"

"Bella?" he replied with a smirk.

"Well I was just wondering…. I mean you don't have to but…"

"B, what is it? Whatever you want to ask cannot be that big of a deal." It really is not a big deal but I felt bad putting him on the spot.

"Would you play for me?" I asked looking at the piano.

"Oh!" he was surprised. "Um sure. Anything you want to hear?"

"No whatever you feel like playing. I saw the way you looked at the piano the first time you were here and I could tell you love it so I just want to hear you play." He smiled at my answer standing and taking my hand. We walked over to the piano where I sat on one of the wingback chairs facing him.

He took a moment before playing the first note of _Clair de Lune._ It is such a beautiful piece and I closed my eyes simply listening. Edward played beautifully. I was losing myself to the music just listening and could only imagine what he felt while playing. As the last few notes sounded in the large common room I opened my eyes. He finished the song and looked at me smiling. "I noticed you had Debussy on your study playlist so I thought you might like that."

"It was lovely. Thank you so much." I walked over and sat next to him on the bench "The only thing I can play on the piano is chopsticks."

He laughed before playing another song I recognized the song immediately. Michael Buble is one of my favorite singers. He looked over at me with a playful smile before be started to sing. "_You're a falling star, you're the get away car. You're the line in the sand when I go too far. You're the swimming pool, on an August day. And you're the perfect thing to say." _

I could feel my smile as I watched him play and his voice was amazing. This song was fun and I could see the enjoyment in his eyes as he looked at me. When he finished the song we he laughed telling me that he doesn't really have the voice for that song. I was quick to disagree. Edward is extremely talented and I made sure that he knew my thoughts on the topic.

Unfortunately our private concert was interrupted when the RAs came into the common room. They were having a weekly meeting to make sure there were no problems with their residents. Edward and I did not have to leave but we decided to go for a walk anyway.

Wandering around campus with Edward was nice we didn't talk much simply enjoying the quiet night. It was fairly cold out tonight so not many students were out. We walked across most of the campus before I realized that it was getting fairly late. Edward insisted he walk me back to Masen Hall. He said good night and at that moment all I wanted to do was ask him if he felt more than friendship for me. But, I couldn't. One, I did not think he saw me as more than a friend, and two, if he did I was not sure what to do about it.

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The songs mentioned in this chapter are The Rose - Bette Midler and Everything - Michael Buble there is a link to the song on my profile if you would like to listen to it.

Please Review :)


	14. hiding from the truth

**AN: Ok so here is the newest chapter sorry it took so long. I have been working on a few chapters for this story now that I've gotten my head straight. I just need to get them typed up hopefully within the next week. Also if you read any HP fanfics I'm doing a characters read story for that just to keep my mind on track, and I have another story idea in mind that i will most likely make a twilight fic, it will be AH with a supernatural twist. I want to hold off on it until i get a lil further with this but the idea keeps bouncing around in my head so i may post something sooner than later. HAPPY READING PLEASE REVIEW**

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Chapter 14: Hiding from the Truth

The week has been absolutely crazy. Things for the benefit are coming together. Our soundtrack choice was accepted and we are defiantly doing Footloose. I was able to finish my paper for lit class. All of this was good however it also meant that time is very limited.

We have been working three nights a week with the fraternity on the songs and routines for greek sing. I have not mentioned my singing ability to Kimi yet. We have mostly been learning the song choices and working on dance routines. This has been quite amusing. While some of the guys can actually dance some of them of them have no rhythm. I was surprised at myself and the fact that I had not completely embarrassed myself. I think this was due to the fact that Kimi was extremely good at developing routines that showed everyone's strengths.

In the time that we are not practicing I've been finalizing my duties for the benefit which is this coming weekend. I could barely believe how quickly the time passed. Not only do we have two days until the benefit but also spring break is only six days away. On top of everything else we were all reminded this week of the fact that midterms would be the week we returned from spring break. It seemed as if everyone was so excited about the extra length of the break they had forgotten about exams. Alice thinks that I have the easy out because a lot of my classes require writing assignments in lieu of exams. I however would rather have been able to simply review notes. The only actual midterm exam I have is biology. Unfortunately with everything that has been going on I've not gotten to see Edward. It has been over a week since we have seen each other outside of greek sing practice and I have barely had the opportunity to speak to him.

During our practice nights for greek sing we see one another but between singing and dancing there is not much time to socialize. Also I have been using every break I get to start on my midterm papers. I already know I will have to work on them during spring break but I would like to get a head start and hopefully have time to enjoy myself while at home. Dani told me that she has talked to him a few times online. I was surprised by this considering he only knows her because of me. It seems odd how easily he has fit into the group of people I have allowed into my life.

Dani has promised that they do not talk a lot about me, for which I am thankful. She knows that I have told Edward about Jacob and James. She also knows that that I kept the more disturbing details to myself like always. She has not however failed to give me grief about the fact that she knows more about the goings on at Meyer University because of her conversations with Edward than me. Apparently he even reminded her about the benefit and now my two childhood friends are coming to visit for the weekend.

"You know Ali, I'm glad they are coming to visit again so soon but honestly I just don't have the time right now." Alice and I have been in the library for the last hour finishing this week's study hours.

"Bella I know things have been crazy with everything going on but this weekend will be fun. And you know how good you will feel after the benefit. It's going to be a success, I just know it. It always makes you feel better when we have a philanthropy event. We all love doing something to help others." Alice was right as usual but she has also gotten to know me pretty well. She knows that when things get hectic I go into control mode.

I am a fairly focused person and like knowing how things will work out. So when I feel like I have too much on my shoulders I eliminate the things that are unnecessary or hard to predict. Having things in order and making sure everything works out the way it should is always easier to deal with. Right now I just want to focus on making sure this benefit goes well and having my friends here is going to be a distraction.

"I know Alice and I truly am looking forward to the benefit and seeing them. There is just so much going on right now. I was planning on getting a lot done this weekend."

She rolled her eyes and responded "That's bull Bella and you know it. All week you have been off in your own world." I looked at her in confusion. "You are on autopilot again. Showing up at events, meetings, classes, and doing what needs to be done then going home."

I sighed. "It is not autopilot Ali there just hasn't been time for anything else." I glanced at my watch. "Speaking of time we need to be at practice in fifteen minutes. We should leave soon."

"Oh I completely forgot. But Bella you know I'm right about how you've been acting and this conversation is not over."

Again I rolled my eyes. I know that Alice will corner me again soon, she doesn't give up. I really do not think I've been 'on autopilot'. I'm just not one that adds unnecessary stress to my life. In a week I'll be on spring break and be able to relax. Right now there is just too much on my plate for things like mixers and girls nights and shopping. Why is it wrong to cut unneeded things out of my life?

Alice and I finished up our work and headed to greek sing practice. We had decided on the songs and already learned the dance for the opening and closing. Needless to say we are dancing to the song _Footloose_. We have to fill ten minutes so we decided that we would sing parts of four different songs from the movie. We were only using segments of each song. Everyone would be dancing and singing in the opening and closing to _Footloose. _Then a group of guys and girls would sing and dance to _Let's Hear it for the Boy_, a few girls would then sing _Holding out for a Hero_.

We walked into the room Kimi reserved for us to practice and almost everyone had already arrived. Kate and Garrett were sitting ontop of one of the desks that had been pushed to the side. Rose Maggie and Nikki were all sitting with them. I noticed that Jasper and Emmett were a part of the group as week Em was leaning against the wall next to Rose grinning from ear to ear. Hopefully he would get the nerve to ask her out soon. It was honestly sad to see such a strong guy looks so lovesick all the time.

Alice and I made our way over to their group. I sat on top of an empty desk while Alice took the chair that was attached to it. "Hey girlies." Kate chirped happily.

"Hi Kate, so all what is on the agenda for tonight's practice?" Alice asked

"Oh Kim was just here she wants to go over the opening and closing dance and then she said something about finding about four girls to sing Holding out or whatever that song is called." Emmett answered.

"Yeah, she wants to see if anyone can do a lead and find a few of us who can do back up." Rose added. "I guess she doesn't want everything to be a chorus format."

I nodded in understanding noticing the grins on all the guys' faces. "Ok what are you boys so happy about?"

"Well it looks like we are off the hook for tonight after we practice the first song." Garrett answered. I felt a wave of relief come over me. I like to sing but singing by myself in front of people has never been something I enjoy. Singing in a small room with bad acoustics in front of a bunch of people I know well would be torture.

"Ah I see, you guys do have it easy tonight." No sooner than I finished my statement Kimi walked in all smiles and excited to see how well everyone remembered our dance moves. I looked around the room noticing a few sisters and some of the brothers were still not there. I know some people had night class but there were a few that were just running late.

"Okay," Kimi began " since we still have a little while before those people in night class or other obligations get here I thought we could start by seeing if any of the girls can handle the vocals for holding out."

Ok here come the nerves again. I really really do not want to sing in front of the guys. It is something I could do if I really needed to but… "Erin would you come here please?" Kimi's voice broke me out of my growing unease.

She played through part of the song with the vocals while Erin was able to look over the lyrics. After hearing the song she switched to an instrumental version of the song and Erin began to sing. She only asked us to sing the chorus to the song. After going through the song with about four sisters everyone else had joined us.

Edward came in and walked over to our group while Julie was singing. Now I know Julie is my sister so I should be nice but no one should ever give that girl a mic. "Um, hey B," Edward said sitting down next to me. "I thought we wanted to win this competition not make the judges' ears bleed. Why is Kimi making Julie sing?"

I had to try very hard to hold in my laughter. "She's trying to find the girls with the best voices for holding out."

Edward nodded slowly obviously still wondering why she hadn't stopped Julie from singing the second she opened her mouth. Thankfully Kimi stopped the music using the fact that everyone else had arrived as her excuse.

"Okay thank you Julie, but now that everyone is here we should go over the opening and closing dance." We all quickly stood and took our places. I really had to hand it to Kimi and David, who is the in charge of greek sing for the brothers. They were able to find the music from the musical version instead of simply using the movie songs. This made it easier for us to break up the songs and develop our dance routines.

I was actually surprised when Kimi played the clip for holding out because it was the Bonnie Tyler version. I can only hope that they were able to find the musical versions for each song because it would make it difficult to switch formats and fit in all the songs.

After about an hour of practicing Kimi decided she had seen enough. "That wasn't bad, for only just learning the song and routine everyone has picked it up really well. I know we're moving really fast but we have at least two other songs and dances to learn." You could almost hear the groans everyone suppressed at her statement. The guys all began filing out of the room while the girls found seats so that Kimi could resume the 'tryouts'. Only David stayed. David is minoring in music, we really are lucky to have the two of them to help us for the competition.

It only took a little over a half an hour for the rest of us to sing. There are around forty girls in the sorority and it was already known they could not handle the vocals of the song. Maggie and Kate both did well as did Jen and Alice. Holly Jen and Amanda all clearly had singing ability but made the mistake I was worried about. After listening to the song they tried to sound exactly like the original vocalist. Rose and I were the last two to sing by now I had already memorized the lyrics so I was able to focus on my pitch and strength of my voice. Rose sounded great but her voice was a bit too high to really fit the song.

After Rose finished everyone sat down while David and Kimi talked about who they felt could handle the song and would sound best together. "Alright ladies, we just want to see a few of you together and see how you sound in harmony." David announced. "Bella, Alice, Maggie, and Jen will you please begin?"

We all sang the chorus together and actually sounded really good. When we finished the other sisters applauded. "I think it's obvious that you four will be the ones to perform this song. I also think that Bella will take the lead of this song I'll bring the breakdown of your parts to the benefit." Kimi stated and my stomach rolled.

They wanted me to take the lead. I would have to sing in front of the entire greek community and anyone else who came to the competition. I love to sing but only when I am blending in, being on stage is fine as long as I'm not in the spotlight. And then there is the fact that this is a competition if I screw up we could lose. How in the hell am I going to do this. Before I could even wrap my head around this everyone was picking up there things and leaving the room.

"Bella, you were amazing having you sing will be great!" Alice gushed as we walked back to the dorm.

"Sure sure Ali, as long as I don't freeze up on stage or something equally as embarrassing."

"Whatever Bella, I just know it will be perfect." Alice said. "Now we just need to get you back into the land of the living. You were doing so well for those few weeks what happened"

"Alice I told you I'm fine everything has just been crazy busy." I sighed.

"Right, and I'm the tooth fairy." Alice rolled her eyes. "I know something's up with you so just talk to me."

How was I supposed to explain anything to Alice when she could never understand what I was feeling? I hated the feeling that there were things I could not control. Going through the motions was simple, following a schedule and knowing what each day brought was easy. There was no guessing what would happen if everything was already planned out, just like I should have followed the plan when Jake was supposed to visit me. I changed the plans that weekend and he lost his life.

I did not like feeling uncertain about my feelings towards Edward. Letting him into my life as a friend was hard enough. But, I knew I was feeling something more for him and that scared me. There were so many unknown factors. What if he did not feel the same way? Could my already mangled heart handle that rejection? What if he did feel the same way and it did not work out, would that ruin our friendship? Or worse, what if he ended up being like James? Taking advantage of me and abusing what little bit of my heart I have left.

No, it was easier to just go through the motions. I could not take the risks that came with anything else. "Ali, please just let it go."

"I will not let it go Bella!" Alice said as she stopped walking and turned toward me. "I miss my friend. The last few weeks have been nice having the old you back and I want to keep it that way so talk to me."

I sighed, Alice would not let this drop I know that much. "I don't know how to explain it. It's just better for me when I focus on the things I can control.

"What does that mean?" Alice asked.

"If I know what is going to happen from day to day and know… god this is so hard… if I keep my relationships at an arms length it's just better that way." Seeing her look at me in confusion I continued. "Alice don't you see I can't deal with anymore heartache and facing the unknown or losing any of the close relationships I have would break me."

She turned and began walking. I did not know what else to say. I knew she could not understand.

"So what you're telling me that you are just never going to get close to anyone else again? That you are going to put a hold on all the friendships you already have so they get no close than they are?" She looked at me but I did not respond in any way. "Bella that is the dumbest thing you could do. You have got to stop carrying the weight of the world. Let us in. Let us help. And most importantly stop blaming yourself and stop fearing life."

"I don't fear life." I said

"Yes you do! You said you don't like the unknown well life is unknown. No one know what is going to happen until it does. We make decisions that put us on a path those decisions guide us and factors can make those decisions change but some things are just meant to happen and nothing will stop those things. A decision may change the time and place but it will eventually happen anyway."

I rolled my eyes. Great now I'm dealing with the all knowing pixie. The Alice who thinks she knows when things are going to happen because of her feelings. Alice has always insisted in fate but she has also always insisted that those things in our lives that are not fated are completely driven by our decisions. Our decisions decided how our future will proceed and a simple change of mind can change our future, except those events that are decided by fate. It is all a bunch of crap if you ask me.

"So is that why you are keeping things with Edward distant?" She asked

"I'm not keeping things distant with Edward." I lied. "I let him in I told him about what happened. We're friends."

"Yeah but you want more than friends." She stated as if it were as simple as 2+2.

"No." I responded quickly.

"Whatever Bella." She huffed opening the door to the dorm. "It's your life and if you want to spend it keeping people away then so be it. I won't push you."

With that she jogged up the stairs and off to her room. Again I felt terrible guilt for upsetting my friends but they just did not understand that I could not lose anyone else. A part of me knew that Jacob would be so mad at me for shutting people out, but I hated the fact that I was here living and he wasn't. I have spent months fighting back and forth between willing myself to live like he would want me to and feeling like I shouldn't be allowed to live if he can't.

The next day flew by. It was a rainy dreary day and I was thankful for it. The weather gave me an excuse to be a bum. I threw on a pair of baggy jeans and an extra large hooded sweatshirt. It was a Friday so my day was fairly easy. I spent most of my free time in the library working on my mid term papers. Around five o'clock that evening I made my way back to the dorm. I knew Dani and Lynn would be here soon. I decided after my conversation with Alice that I would have to do better. I needed to find a balance between what they wanted to see from me and what I needed myself.

I had only been back at my room for about fifteen minutes – long enough to endure Lauren's attitude. Apparently she was over trying to rekindle her relationship and back to finding the latest flavor of the week. She kept asking why she had not seen Edward around and asking when the next party was. For someone who showed such obvious disdain for the greek system she had no problem with attending the parties. I was honestly thankful when my cell rang letting me know that the girls were downstairs allowing me to get away from Lauren.

I walked down to let the girls in. We shared hugs as greetings and made our way back to the room. I filled the girls in on Lauren's mood on the way up. They rolled their eyes unsurprised. As we walked in Lauren sneered at us before informing me that she was going home for the night but would be back for tomorrow. Apparently her and her friends were attending the benefit tomorrow.

We decided that we would have a girl's night in, movies and pizza knowing that we would most likely go out after the benefit tomorrow. I sent a text to Alice, Angela, and Jessica to let them know what we were doing for the night. Then I called and ordered pizza while Lynn picked out some movies.

"Hey Bells, can I use your computer? I have something I need to send Embry on Facebook." Dani asked.

"Sure Sure, it's already logged on."

"So Bella what else has been going on since last time we talked? I know you sent me a e mail telling me about greek sing how is practice?" Lynn asked.

I groaned. "They want me to sing the lead for at least one of the songs"

"Really? That's great I always said you should have gotten all the solos on high school. I will never understand why you always turned them down." Dani said

"I turned them down because I don't like being that noticeable. I am so not looking forward to this."

"Well at least you have all of Spring Break to learn the song, or completely forget about it whichever you choose." Lynn laughed at the look on my face.

"OH!" Dani exclaimed. "That reminds me we have to make plans to get together with Emmett and Edward over Spring Break."

My head snapped in her direction. "What?"

"Yeah well Edward is spending Spring Break at Emmett's house. Didn't he tell you?" I shook my head still unable to speak. "Huh, anyway, something about his parents taking a trip to visit family."

"Bells, what's wrong?" Lynn asked

"Nothing." I answered quickly. I had been hoping that I Spring Break would give me a chance to sort out my feelings about Edward and now there was a very good chance I would have to see him.

"Sure Bella." Dani laughed

"Yeah Bells, look on the bright side maybe you'll have the nerve to tell him you like him." Lynn Stated.

"I don't!" I protested. "It isn't like that and even if it was he could do so much better than me."

"Are you serious?" Dani yelled. "You cannot possibly believe he isn't interested."

"He's not, besides it's better that way."

"Oh really well let's just see what Edward has to say about that." Dani stated, clicking on his screen name.

"No you can't, besides he knows you guys are here. He wouldn't say anything if there was a chance I would see it."

"I've got that covered don't worry." Dani said while typing a greeting. Reluctantly I looked over her shoulder at their im box.

**DANI- Hey Eddie boy! **

**EDWARD – Hi Dani, ugh you know if I didn't like you I would have to hurt you for calling me Eddie. **

**EDWARD- So you girls made it in ok?**

**DANI- Yep yep Bells just went downstairs to wait for the pizza guy. **

**EDWARD- mmm pizza, great now I'm hungry. So how is B doing she's seemed a bit out of it this week.**

**DANI- AH she's good. You'll get used 2 her moods she's bi polar didn't she tell you …. Lol j/k**

**DANI- Actually did she tell you she is singing one of the leads for that competition thingy?**

**EDWARD- REALLY no she didn't say anything, that's great!**

**DANI- Yep yep she's amazing! **

**EDWARD- that she is ;) **

**DANI- u know eddie boy we've talked a lot and we always mention bella but I just have to ask being one of her besties and all …. How DO you feel about our girl?**

**EDWARD- She great… I love her like a sister.**

Lynn looked up to see my reaction as soon as his answer came up on the screen. Dani was staring at the screen with wide eyes. This was clearly not the response she expected. I however was not surprised. I knew he could not feel anything for me more than friendship. I tried to tell them that was all it was but they would not believe me. It really is for the best, so why did I feel like I wanted to cry?

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Ok totally hiding behind my laptop right now, don't kill me! there are reasons for this.

REVIEW!


	15. Breakdown

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight or anything affiliated with the Twilight Saga**

**AN: Sorry this took a while and it a little shorter than normal. I have been working on a few other stories that have gotten more feedback than this story. I am not abandoning this story by any means though. This chapter was a hard one to write. I am using some of our favorite characters to tell this story but what makes it so difficult is that a lot of this came from things that happened in my life. Sometimes the memories are hard for me to revisit. I must say however it has been great therapy for things that i have never truly gotten over. **

**Please Read and Review. **

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Chapter 15: breakdown.

"Bells?" Lynn questioned.

"I'm fine. I told you guys it wasn't like that between Edward and I. Now will you both drop it so we can enjoy the rest of the night?" I answered

Neither of the girls said anything else. I ran downstairs to get the pizza, and soon we were lounging around the room watching a movie. Alice, Jessica, and Angela all joined us at one point. None of them stayed long all of us knowing that tomorrow would be a long day.

My alarm went off at nine the next morning. I quickly shut it off before it could wake up Lynn and Dani. Nine am was entirely too early for a weekend and just because I had to be up and functional they did not need to suffer.

I got showered and dressed. It had already been decided that all of the organizations would be wearing letters. I put on a pair of black skinny jeans and my white t-shirt the fabric on the letters was black with silver stars and silver outline. I pulled my hair into a pony tail and put on light makeup. Once I was ready to leave I left a note for the girls telling them to meet me in the union for lunch.

The benefit did not actually start until two this afternoon but we would all be spending the morning setting up the activities room for the lecture. The AV equipment needed to be ready. One of the sisters from the Delta Gamma sorority had put together a video presentation to show. The boys were all assembling the stage and double checking with the local bands for the concert that would take place directly after the lecture.

I was thankful that we were so busy. I could tell last night that Alice was still annoyed with me and I did not feel like discussing anything with her today. I knew she still wanted to talk but there was just too much to do and too many people around to get into a serious conversation. Instead, we spent the morning with Rose, and Kate making sure the room was properly set up and the refreshment table was organized. We had arranged cookie trays to be picked up from the local bakery. The campus food services were providing coffee and juices.

I was also happy that the guys were so busy. Edward did not know I was in the room last night while he was talking to Dani. I honestly was not mad or upset with him in any way but I knew that I felt awkward about the whole thing. I really was not looking forward to talking to him later.

The morning went by quickly and I was happy that the guys were doing the more strenuous work. I did not want to have to go back to the dorm to shower and change again.

Soon I found myself sitting at a table in the little deli in the university union. Rose, Kate, Alice, and I had all grabbed sandwiches for lunch. We had just found a table to sit down when Lynn and Dani joined us. They told me that Lauren had come back to the dorm about an hour ago.

"Bells, I have no idea how you put up with her." Lynn stated with a disgruntled look on her face.

I really had no response for her. My way of tolerating Lauren was simple. I ignored her.

"Seriously Bella, that girl has the worst attitude problem I have ever seen." Dani laughed. "And will someone please explain to me what is with the perma scowl on her face."

I laughed at the phrase perma scowl.

"I know what you mean." Rose started trying to hold back a laugh. "She's going to be devastated when she realizes not even a plastic surgeon can fix the damage done to her face by walking around with that expression all the time."

Eventually we stopped making fun of Lauren and lunch passed with good conversation and a lot of laughs.

After Lunch we met with the family that the benefit was for as well as the representatives from M.A.D.D. and the high school. They had all chosen people to speak. Some wanted to talk about statistics and the sad truth behind these accidents. Other's had poems to read about loved ones who had been lost to drunk driving accidents. We all knew that both of these things were the best way to get everyone to understand the seriousness of an event like this.

By four o'clock everything was set up and ready. The response from the community was amazing. We knew that the event would be a total success. The goal was to raise at least two thousand dollars for this family. I was sure that between the benefit and the concert we would have no problem reaching our goal. What had surprised me most was the turn out for the actual presentation. I think most of us assumed that the majority of students would skip the serious part of the event and only come to the concert. That however did not seem to be the case and I was thrilled to see that everyone was taking this seriously.

The presentation started with a representative from M.A.D.D. who began by telling us all what the organizations goals and purpose was. She continued to tell us how she became involved with the organization and made it a point to remind everyone that anyone who makes the decision to get behind the wheel while intoxicated is putting more than just themselves at risk. This led to the introductions of others who had come to talk about their experiences with drunk driving accidents.

First we heard from a mother whose son is now a paraplegic because of an accident. Then the wife of a man who had been the cause of an accident spoke about how this had affected their entire family. Listening to these stories was hard and it was easy to see that everyone was understanding the importance of this event. Finally a girl about sixteen years old stood. She told us how her boyfriend had gone to a party where he and his friends had been drinking. They thought they were safe but playing "most sober" was not the best decision. The boy who was chosen to drive had apparently had the least to drink and yet they still ended up in an accident. Her boyfriend was killed instantly. She finished her story with a poem.

"_I had a dream the other day _

_I dreamt you weren't so far away._

_Then I woke up and looked around_

_And everything was quiet, _

_There wasn't a sound._

_Reality struck like a ton of bricks,_

_This is something that can't be fixed._

_If I could bring you back, _

_I'd do it quick, that would be my only wish._

_There is nothing left that I can do, _

_But pray and know that God's with you. _

_One last promise that I will keep,_

_I'll always miss and remember you, _

_Even in my sleep. _

It took everything I had to sit there as she read that poem. By the end I was struggling to breath. I knew where I was but my mind had instantly gone back to the day of Jacob's funeral. Billy had asked me to speak at the services. When I stood to speak I could get no words to come out. Embry could see how hard this was for me and was immediately at my side. He took the paper from my hands and began to read. The poem I had chosen was the same one that had just been read.

I could not listen. I needed air. I needed to breath. I could not break down here. I stood quickly and made my way out the side door of the auditorium. I never even heard the final words of the speakers. My mind was spinning and I needed to walk away. It wasn't long before Dani and Lynn found me.

They sat next to me without saying anything. There was no need for words. I had no doubt they recognized the poem and knew why I needed to leave. I was fighting for control. I did not want to cry. I did not want to break down. After a while the auditorium doors opened again. I could hear the song playing. The ending of the presentation was a video of accident victims and their families. The song in the background did nothing to help my situation. As the sounds of Vince Gill's If There's Anything I Can Do floated out from the open door I felt my chest tighten again. It was the song that the pastor at James' funeral suggested be played as a way to remind everyone that we all had people to help us grieve.

I saw Rose and Alice come out side looking for us but I could not deal with that right now. Hearing that song set off another round of tears. I stood and walked over to a tree not far from where we were sitting. I could hear the girls talking.

"She'll be fine." Dani said.

"What happened in there?" Alice asked.

"The poem, is the same one she was supposed to read at Jacob's funeral." Lynn answered.

"Oh." Both Alice and Rose said faintly.

They gave me a few moments before joining me. I gave them all a weak smile. I was so frustrated with myself. I could not believe I was allowing myself to be bothered by this so much. Why could I not just move on? Why did this hurt so badly? "It's never going to get easier is it?" I asked no one in particular.

It seemed as if none of them had an answer. They all knew how much I was hurting. All of them had told me numerous times that I could not expect to just be fine, that I had gone through a lot in a short time. I knew they were right but I wasn't the only person who had lost someone. Everyone else was moving forward and dealing why couldn't I?

I was thankful for the sun that was still shining today. It gave me the perfect excuse to put on my sunglasses so that I could hide my red eyes and tears. Soon the outside of the auditorium was filled with people. There was to be a short break before the concert was to begin. A few other sisters saw us standing there and came to join us but everyone could tell that I did not want to talk. They all gave me my space. I had my arms crossed over my chest willing myself to fight the tears that were still forming in my eyes. Dani and Lynn were standing with me almost as if they were guarding me. I heard a loud laugh and looked up to see Emmett. Jasper, him and Edward were just walking out the doors. As I looked up I caught Edward looking toward our group.

As if he could sense there was something wrong he made is way over to me. He did not say anything. He simply wrapped his arms tightly around me holding me to him. I did not understand why but it felt as if he knew what was wrong. I could feel more tears coming and no matter how hard I fought to hold them in I could not.

"Come on." He whispered pulling me away from the others.

I had no strength or desire to protest. I saw him look to the girls then to Emmett and Jasper they all nodded as we walked toward his dorm.

He opened his dorm room door and I followed him inside. He handed me a sweatshirt and pair of track pants. "Here change and get comfortable. I'll be right back."

Ten minutes later I was curled up on his bed. I had finally stopped the tears and now I was tired. It's amazing how emotional situations can drain a person of all energy. Edward came back in the room carrying a tub of chocolate ice cream. "Chocolate always helps." He said with a small smile.

He set the ice cream down with two spoons and walked over to the bed. I gave him a weak smile in thanks. "Tired?" He asked. I nodded not really wanting or able to talk at the moment. He crawled behind me on the bed and wrapped his arms around me again brushing the hair out of my face. "Come here." He said as he pulled me close. I did so willingly. It was nice to feel comforted and knowing he did not expect me to talk about anything. He laid there holding me stroking my hair and humming to himself. Before long I had fallen asleep with my head resting on Edward's chest.


End file.
